i think it's all part of what is called 'universal law', in other words, the constants that are in the universe. god says the "like begets like" - those of us with similar situations are drawn to each other - so that in essense, if your situation turned out a certain way because you did "a b and c" then if i do "a b and c" then mine should basically turn out the same way.
what is interesting is that i find that to be true in regards to sage's sitch. very similar situations, and it's so funny that she NAILED it in her first couple of posts to me about needed to "reconnect" with hubby with the fun times, that would be the drawing thing. and yes my dear, that certainly has worked
I get the sense that much of your struggle in your M right now hinges on trust and intimacy. My guess is that you carry in your mind's eye a vision of what your perfect M with your H could or should be...what is it? How realistic is it? Is it one that he might share? Or are there parts of the vision that aren't actually attainable (because of water under the bridge, a differnce in the way your H may approach certain things, etc., etc.)
Hud -- I've been avoiding posting all day because of you! well, just kidding...but what's up with you asking the hard questions??? (payback, I guess).
Yes, both trust and intimacy are points of struggle in my m. Have been for a while, actually, so it's probably not that surprising that they are the things still outstanding post-bombing. I do think we have more tools and incentive to address them...though the process is slow and sometimes seems mired by the stuff that got us bogged down in the first place.
The answer to whether or not I have a "picture" of m is of course "yes" -- I imagine that h does too. 'course it ebbs and flows in its "concreteness"...some stuff is flexible and some stuff is probably more etched in "stone". Likely that's the stuff that's tripping me up at times.
If you had asked me 2 years ago who was more "intimate" in our m, I would have said hands down me...I think others peering in might have said the same as well...but in truth, I think both h and I (and perhaps more me than him!) have kept our arms out straight to hold off the other...I guess I just did my withholding in more "socially acceptable" ways...but I think the pain was the same for h no matter.
As for trust...ah, trust. well..I've had "trust issues" since early in our m...3 years into the m h had a friendship with a FF that didn't meet my "picture" of how involved a FF should be in our m. Big, big problems that polarized our stances...me in the "this is totally unnacceptable" camp, him in the "you're not the boss of me" camp. Probably a softening of either one of those stances would have avoided a lot of heartache.
'course OW also started out as a FF....when I approached h initially about my discomfort regarding their friendship I did it with all of the grace and self-deprecation I missed the first time around. h responded with all the respect he missed the first time around. I started C to address my "trust issues". The missing link was that they were already involved at the time of that first discussion.
Can you see why I'm confused?
Back to the picture...I try not to hold onto things that I assign to the "if he loved me he'd never do this" category....but maybe I'm not always successful...all in the process of forgiveness I think!
In general, I've learned a lot over the last year about letting things be...letting h be ...not seeking control...dropping EXPECATIONS and ASSumptions. Like I said...still flawed but working on it.
I guess the sensitivity to opposite sex friendships is something I'm still stuck on. Need to figure that one out, though. Something just struck me...it may just be something that we NEVER agree on. And perhaps that's just gonna have to be AOK. I won't compromise on fidelity though.
I do need to say that my m. now contains more wonderful elements than I ever thought that it could! My h is SO much more committed...so much more present...so much more open. More than he ever was. I've said it before and I'll say it again...I'm grateful for his resilency and hard work.
Anyway...I've got more thinking to do...
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I too have such a difficult time with H having FF. My father cheated on my mother with a so called "friend"/neighbor, he divorced my mom and then married the OW. I was 8 yrs. old.
I have always been very jealous of other women being around "my man." H knew how crazy I was about the issue, so I never had to deal with it until the "bomb." I am still not sure if FF/business partner/OW was ever anything more than just a friend. I think my H can be pretty niave. H is not a flirt by any means. I like to think that FF is just a very good friend of my H. I don't like it, but the more I say, the worse it is. You know what I mean, I'm sure.
So, what is the answer? I still struggle with my insecurities. I pray alot. I ask God to banish FF from H. God knows what H is doing, not me. I try to remind myself it is not for me to worry about. It is hard. What has helped me is the fact that we are S. If OW/FF called all the time like she use to, I would go crazy, but of course, I would have to act like it doesn't bother me.
Any advice on this issue, would be appreciated by moi too!! nik
I'm very sorry for posting on your thread and I know that you usually check on me but I'd like to impose on your again. Please stop by my thread whenever you get a chance. My worst-case scenario just happened and I don't know what to do.
I am feeling good today. I had lots of positives from h last night and this AM -- he was so psyched to see me when I picked him up from the train, lots of really earnest ILYs and a definite interest in our date tonight! He also did a lot of cleaning around the house.
I had a mental breakthru re. the topic of trust and friendships etc but I don't have time to go into it right now. That'll keep you all coming back (LOL)
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
well, just kidding...but what's up with you asking the hard questions??? (payback, I guess).
well..I've had "trust issues" since early in our m...3 years into the m h had a friendship with a FF that didn't meet my "picture" of how involved a FF should be in our m. Big, big problems that polarized our stances...me in the "this is totally unnacceptable" camp, him in the "you're not the boss of me" camp. Probably a softening of either one of those stances would have avoided a lot of heartache.
