"Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation. Begin by making a list below of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule."
The first part in not bad. I pretty much adjust my schedule around others but..... I think the main area that I need to add margin to my schedule is spend more time helping son with his homework. Instead of getting on him to get started I usually wait for him to get started which is usually late. And then I go to bed early and this leaves wife having to deal with it.
"Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life."
1. Release wanting wife to feel the embarrassment I have felt the affair cause by letting others know what happened 2. Release wanting to contact the OM to cause him and his family the pain I have felt 3. Release myself from the "thoughts" I have of W and OM being together.
Doc
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
I guess I need to log on before I get bumped TO PAGE THREE..
Ok First we had a meeting at work. My Boss said that the lay offs will not affect our area... At this time ..
So alot has happened. But before I forget..
Safie... E-mail work both ways Girl......
Ok now that I got that our of the way..
I am not sure what happened to my days 1 & 2 but....
Day 3
Whatever you put your time, energy, and money into will become more important to you. It's hard to care for something you are not investing in. Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says, "I was thinking of you today."
It's valentines day.. I got up at 5:00 am to get my wife some roses. But at the store I started thinking that I am looking at this journey as "dating" my wife all over again since we were so close to a separation. I thought that if I gave roses to a woman that was unsure she wanted to date me right off it would scare her away. So instead I bought her a pink (her favorite color) Hydrangea, It came in a pink flower pot made to look like an old bucket. It had a small balloon heart on top that said "I love You" and had a bunch of hearts hanging from the branches. I bought a card that said "having you for a valintine makes me smile" It had a picture of a bull dog on the front with a big smile. It was on the counter in the kitchen when she got up this morning. I was sitting at the table eating. She came in the kitchen and then turned around and walked right out. I thought to myself that I may have pushed our working on the marriage a little too far. I know in the past sometimes we are getting along great but if I push intimacy into the picture Wife would back off and become withdrawn again. But I did not let this affect my attitude. I finished eating and then went into my shop to work on my jeep, I little while later she into the shop and said "thank you for the flowers, I really like them...I was half asleep when I walked into the kitchen before and I didn't even see them" So she did notice, She liked them, She did not back off like in the past when I "pursued" her with something intimate and right now she is still happy....and did not become withdrawn..
Day 4 Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them.
this one was easy. I do this all of the time so it was natural.. on to day 5
Day5
Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only.
February 17th, 2009 Didn't have the right moment to take dare 5. Wife was stresses out doing taxes and her work from home. I hope to do it today.
February 19th, 2009 This has been a hard one. I don't know why. The time is never right. Wife does not know I am doing this. Tomorrow is my B-Day and at dinner I am going to first ask my son to name the three things that I do that bother him. ANd then tell my wife I will have the same question for her but want to wait until we get home for her answer.. I am trying
February 21st, 2009 I never realized how hard this was going to be. WIfe,son and I went out to dinner for my B-Day. I had a great time. Before bed I actually gave my wife a kiss and thanked her for the evening. This is the first time we kissed in months. It seemed to be going good so this morning I sent wife an e-mail with the day 5 questions It read: Thank you so much for the wonderful time I had last night. I was 100% better that my b-day last year. I am trying to become a better husband and father and I would like it if you could take a minute and answer a question for me. I am going to be asking (my son) the same question. I know you can probably come up with more but...
What are three things that cause you to be uncomfortable or irritated with me? Please be honest. She has not replied and seems to have become "distant" again. So I if I do not get an answer then I am going to consider day 5 done and move on..
February 24th, 2009 So I found this dare to be the hardest so far. Not that I was worried about what my wife would say. It was finding the right time to approach her. I ended up sending and E- mail. If I did not get a answer I was just going to go on to day 6. Well I received a reply: I don’t know why this matters. I can think of several things that irritate me about a lot of people, including myself. It doesn't mean I think less of them or don’t want to be around them. And it depends on my mood how I'm affected by the particular characteristic.
If you must have an answer, then 1. Getting emails like this 2. Talking in a condescending way 3. Making small talk when I’m busy or in my space So what I found was that was not an "attack" on me. She did give me some info on what bothers her about me, but what I have read into this (especially the first part) is that she recognizes that she has problems with everyone INCLUDING herself. It was hard not justifying numbers #2. I don’t feel I am making "small talk" when I talk to her. I am truly interested in what she is doing. And for the first part I wanted to say that this was not about HER, It is about me trying to become a better person...but instead I Just replied "thanks" So now I can move on with Dare 6. I do feel like I am back on track now.
Day6 February 24th, 2009 Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation. Begin by making a list below of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. The first part in not bad. I pretty much adjust my schedule around others but...I think the main area that I need to add margin to my schedule is spend more time helping son with his homework. Instead of getting on him to get started I usually wait for him to get started which is usually late. And then I go to bed early and this leaves wife having to deal with it.
As for: Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life. 1. Release wanting wife to feel the embarrassment I have felt the affair cause by letting others know what happened 2. Release wanting to contact the OM to cause him and his family the pain I have felt 3. Release myself from the "thoughts" I have of W and OM being together.
Day7 February 25th, 2009 For today's dare, get two sheets of paper. On the first one, spend a few minutes writing out positive things about your spouse. Then do the same with negative things on the second sheet. Place both sheets in a secret place for another day. There is a different purpose and plan for each. At some point during the remainder of the day, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your spouse for having this characteristic.
Well I made my list. Came up with 4 negative things and 7 positives. When I complimented her on one of them. (Her knowledge in math and how she helps our son with it more than I ever could. Her reply "It's nothing, anybody that is not stupid could do it" made me feel stupid like she was putting me down. Small side note: I asked my son who is 11 to tell me three things that I do that makes him feel uncomfortable. He only could come up with two.. I get impatient and I get condescending..... Maybe the feeling that I got of wife putting me down was a reflection of myself and how I interact with others... I had bad thoughts running through my head this morning again. I prayed on the way to work. I asked god to not only help my wife but told him I am weak. I need help to get through this also..
on to day 8
February 25th, 2009 Determine to become your spouse's biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy. To help you set your heart on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday's list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it. Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed.
So I think I did one better, I did burn the list AND I burnt the two Pictures of Wife with the OM. that I found.
How did it make me feel? Well kind of like I completed a task. Not relief or anything like that but like something is now finished.
Day 8 continued February 26th, 2009 Well I was going to compliment wife on how she has stuck with this temp job she is doing even though she does not like it. But when she got home she showed me her first pay check. She was really happy about it even though she tried not to show it. I made a big deal out of it for her. I mean I really didn’t make it a big deal it was a big deal!. My wife has a very low self esteem. Since I have been doing these love dares I notice it more and more. EVERYTIME I try to compliment her or encourage her she puts what I say down. NOT ME down but what I say about her… I don’t know if it was really a "sign" or not (but I am going to take what ever I can get) I was getting a little discouraged about her feelings for me and then last night she asked me if I saw the frozen lunch stuff she bought in the out side freezer. I said ya I saw it, but I did not know if she bought them for her or who. ( she often buys things for herself and our son). She said "you should have known it was for you"..So this made me feel good. This let me know that she was thinking about ME. She was shopping and she had me in her thoughts...
on to day 9
Day9
February 27th, 2009
Think of a specific way you’d like to greet your spouse today. Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm. Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for them.
Not sure how I did on this one.. I really wanted to go up to her and give her a kiss and hug but..I do not think she is at the point to accept "too much" of an emotional welcome yet..When she got home I greeted her with.."There she is.. Welcome home beautiful".. In the "past" when I advanced to quickly she would withdraw. I have made allot of progress and I am trying not to take any steps backwards. Although With Dare 10 here.. .Do something out of the ordinary today for your spouse—something that proves (to you and to them) that your love is based on your choice and nothing else. I was thinking about stopping on the way home from work and buying a Rose and then stop at her work.( I have never been there she just started working there 3 weeks ago) and putting it on the widow of her car so she will see it when she gets off work. I am scared that I this may push her away again but....I need to have trust Right?
Day10
February 28th, 2009 "Do something out of the ordinary today for your spouse—something that proves (to you and to them) that your love is based on your choice and nothing else. Wash her car. Clean the kitchen. "
Well I was going to leave a rose on her car.. But instead I left one in a vase on her desk in her office here at home. I also left a note that said : "Smile It's Friday" I was outside when she got home but she did come out and say thank-you for the rose. Nothing grand just a thank you ..But I did not do it for a thank you. I did it just because... Something else strange happened also. Our son was having a sleep over and this meant that wife & I would be alone. This was awkward because we are not alone at night very often. Also if I had not mentioned it before here. Wife and I sleep in separate rooms.(her choice). Anyway I told wife that I since son was going to be gone to not worry about dinner. I would just take something out of the freezer. THEN she said.."I was thinking about us going out for Chinese dinner tonight" I said that sounds great. WE have not gone out to dinner by ourselves in over a year. Even then I would be the one to bring it up and she would go reluctantly not wanting to be alone with me.. We had a great dinner, We talked and laughed... But I made sure that when we got home wife saw that I was not "expecting" anything more.. I think I am almost there. I think Wife has become "comfortable" with me and I can now start a little pursuing...I gave the "love dares" a break today. I will start up again Sunday..
So there you have it...
WDID... any imput???? PLEASE...
Doc
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
When we got home from dinner. when I parked the car. I put my arm around W and gave her a kiss (on the lips I might add) and said "thanks for the dinner"
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Don't think I have done anything deserving you being Proud of me. I am weak.But I seem to be getting ourside help from someone I have not "spoken to" in years ..seems we "talk" almost every night and every morning now.I just keep thinking..Ok one more dare..one more day..
Me
I still wonder If I am just being a fool...
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
At this time 
..
..seems we "talk" almost every night and every morning now.I just keep thinking..Ok one more dare..one more day..