Here is a link to the mlc resources. You can learn an awful lot by starting here, Also, you need to become firmilar with this search engine here on the board. Search the mlc archives, there is a ton of great info. from the past.
It doesn't seem natural, but there are some valuable sometimes extremely difficult lessons to learn about yourself while you navagate your way through this storm. This HAS to be about you and your son right now. Keep your focus on that. It is very easy to get spun out obsessing about our spouses craziness. You need to also keep an eye on your finances as well. Not to put anymore on your plate, but it is important to protect yourself.
It is very difficult. I actually had our cell phone bills separated so I couldn't see anything anymore. I did this after the phone bill was almost TRIPLE what it should have been. The fight over that one was UGLY to put it very mildly. But making my S the focus is easy, making my S AND me is difficult because I do spend way too much time thinking "What the hell is he thinking?"
I do spend way too much time thinking "What the hell is he thinking?"
It's pointless, trying to make sense of irrational behavior, it's impossible. Depression is the driving force behind all of this. Read, read, read. Follow snodderly's posts she is spot on with her advice.
This takes TIME.... lots of it, for you and him.
You have to take care of yourself. This will test your patience like never before. It will also make you a much better person if you allow it to.
If you want to save your marriage read, Love must be tough, by Dobson and kick him to the curb now.
That statement seems to imply that you feel that following the concepts in that book is the magic bullet to saving her M.
If it is truly mlc then it is a process, one which needs to run it's course. Who knows laying out an ultimatum right near the beginning may serve to snap him out for a bit, but I doubt it. He will most likely rebel like the emotional teenagers they are.
Two things regarding ultimatums or all or nothing efforts. If you travel that path you better be damn sure you have a game plan in place if he rebels, responds negatively and things go further south and by game plan I mean housing, finances, etc.
The other is that an ultimatum is useless unless you are prepared to go all or nothing and NOT back down no matter what. The moment you show any weakness, bend in anyway, or give in. You will loose a huge amount of respect.
Love Must Be Tough by Dobson is a good book to read, but you cannot utilize a lot of the techniques w/someone in mlc. This book is for those who have spouses that are having affairs that are normal, rational people. Your spouse is not normal in many respects...when depression of this magnitude hits, Dobson's book will only make him/her choose the easiest solution to the problem...divorce.
You cannot get into his head. It's a mess. If he can't get himself together, how do you think you can figure him out? Analyzing and over analyzing will get you no where but nuts. Step back, allow him to swing in the wind. You will need to find a way to keep the focus on you. It's very important that you take care of yourself during this time. It's a long process and it will stress your immune system to the max if you aren't careful. Take up some hobbies, clean your house top to bottom, join a club, but whatever you do, do it for you, not him.
My advice....read, read and read. Start reading the current threads and posting. By staying here on your thread, people will not post as they would if you became a "family" member of the group. The more your interact w/others, the more people are apt to post and come visit w/you here.
Whitelight, You sound very frustrated today. What's going on?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am frustrated that so many good people on these boards are just treated so poorly. My heart continually goes out to them and I pray for them all the time. I've just read so many threads on here where the person does everything to save their marriage and the other person just takes advantage of it, uses and lies to them and then abandons them. Over in piecing it's even worse, a few years later it happens again etc. etc. I don't like seeing people disrespected and treated poorly.
I know this is a marriage saving board. I'm just wondering if a bit less of putting up with stuff, more boundaries and self respect would win in the long run instead. Who knows.
