Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers 180 when your mistake was abandoning

Hi Helpers,

Followed you over from Jenn's posts. Okay, my best advice for you would be to leave her alone. Let her get pissed off on her own and just give her space. Don't be her knight in shining armor.

Everyone here understands how deep an EA can be for a woman. And right now your W is debating what to do. She's not totally gone which is a good thing. Some of our WAWs had dropped the bomb on us and just taken off. My W had an EA with her boss so I know what you mean about office romances.

Just do your own thing and take care of yourself. You can be friendly with her, just not too friendly where you're in her way. When things get more civil between you two, then you can start warming up the friendship again.

In your case, going dim would be good. It'll give her the space she needs.

I agree with you on this puppy. Part of what happened to me.

I found out the exact day when the affair started and it matched up perfectly to when it seemed like a light was turned off inside my W's head.

Like Puppy has said, a lot of these things follow a script.

Journal

So a quick update for today. W has not brought up the apartment and is coming home tonight after staying the night at a freinds house last night.

I have seen small signs of improvement.

1. She texted me last night "goodnight" something she hasn't done while she was staying elsewhere before

2. She texted me in the morning and was miffed that I didn't text back.

3. Two emails during the day - very short, but still an update of her day is nice.


She'll be coming home tonight around 7:00, I'm going to try to get home just before that. We'll hopefully make dinner together and both stay peaceful and calm.

I'll let you know if she brings up the apt. tonight.

W came home tonight and so far hasn't made any mention of the apt. We made dinner together and ate (kept the TV on which we normally didn't do), and she got up before I was finished (ok with me). Basically it's been an avoiding night peppered with laughs and "loud discussions."

She did get mad at me because I wasn't home when she got home. Called me on the phone to complain and I tried explaining that I was planning on getting home before 7 which was when she said she was getting home, but her plans changed and now she was getting home early. It's very frustrating when we're not informing each other of our plans and there's no routine.

Hopefully we can make it through the weekend.

Goals for the rest of the night and the weekend:

1. Stay calm and peaceful.
2. Validate what she's feeling.
3. Convince her that I'll do the grocery shopping for the week (a complaint of hers)
4. Sleep in the same be two night.
5. Do something fun together over the weekend - movie, ice skating, something that doesn't require that much talking.

Let you know how it goes.

As can I....

I had to laugh at Puppies rant. I had a huge project I was working on to improve our families life. It consumed me for 6 months. As soon as I finished and tried to restart life with my W, she started backing away, and I later found out that's when her EA started.

And exactly like Still Waters, my W told me that it was my fault because I had "neglected" her during that time.

Hi Helpers,
How are you doing?

I've found that my H and I have had a hard time the last two weeks interacting "normally." Given the stress we're both under due to this situation, and the avoidance of R talks, it can make being in the same apartment awkward.

I found that getting out and doing independent activities really helps. So does having a project to work on - even if it's in the other room. If you do want to interact with your W, you're on the right track - things that don't require a lot of conversation can be helpful. We've been watching lots of movies together, doing sports, going out with friends (so we can be in a group together but interact with others), etc.

What are activities that you both used to really enjoy doing together?

What are activities that you or W have always wanted to try?

Maybe those are some things to focus on.

I've found in the last week that it really helps to have a "Plan" for what you'll be doing - especially in the evenings.

Good plan! Going dark is not the answer right now. Add to this list that you WILL NOT initiate a relationship convo. If she starts one, then validate and get it to closure as quickly as possible. Take the pressure off. Be enjoyable to be around.

I don't know where a lot of this "hard ass" advice is coming from in terms of "intel" and other stuff. Snooping and demands are not how to BUST A DIVORCE! Sure, the majority of those here have dealt with affairs. It is tough... But the militant approach is not how you save a marriage. You might put a stopper on the current affair but you'll be back here wondering WTF if you don't adopt the principles of DB.

If you want a chance at keeping the marriage together DESPITE the affair, follow the advice in DB and take care of the things you can control. Any possible affair would NOT be one of those things. All you can control is how you handle that.

Just my opinion...

Steve

Yep, same with me. My W's EA/PA started just as I was finishing up my project and starting to get back into my life. And the more I tried to engage my W, the further she backed away. Then about a month later she asked for a separation. At first I couldn't believe it. There I was giving her so much love and attention, and yet she was running away! Of course that was before I found out about the affair...

It just goes to show you. We should never neglect the most important thing in our life for anything, no matter what our intentions are.

Hi Steve,

I can only assume that you're referring to the advice that I and Phoenix have been giving to Helpers. I can't speak for Phoenix, but I did want to address this.

Everything I've quoted from you above is your opinion, as you do close out your post by saying. I happen to disagree, and my approach did bust up my wife's affair and save my marriage, as it has for tens of thousands of other people. I won't mention the names of the books or the website, as that sort of thing is frowned upon here, but these are HARDLY extreme positions. While they may be in the minority, it's probably a 40/60 minority.

I look for people who are struggling their approach. There are dozens and dozens of folks on both the Infidelity and Newcomers forums who are content with their passive approach, who seem to be holding up well despite it not going well, and those folks never hear a peep out of me. I try to offer advice that's different from what everyone else is offering -- a different perspective.

Helpers is, of course, free to follow it, or not, as he sees best for his own sitch.

For the record, I don't believe in "making demands." I believe in establish boundaries, and in learning how to enforce them -- two skills that will help most anyone, in almost any facet of their life.

Peace,

Puppy