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It's basically a "hormonal high." Just like when you were a teenager and developed a crush on someone. I think MLCers and people who prefer serial relationships rather then long-term ones are more hooked on this hormonal high --just like others get hooked on drugs. From what I've read, the "mature love" state usually takes about a year or so to reach. The hormonal high eventually dwindles and then you have a clearer idea if it's "real" love (unless it's one of those highly emotional up/down relationships, where a couple is breaking up, coming back together, breaking up... that could potentially continue the hormonal high...or just a desire to not "lose" something one previously "had"... just wanting to avoid feelings of loss...).



Most people don't realize it until afterwards. And even still, it's part of the developmental journey. People in it, do what they need to do. Unfortunately, it can be a selfish journey that has potential to create a lot of damage. The only thing those of us on the outside can do is let go of the other person, and try to take care of ourselves and the children affected by it. Really focus on your kids. I know my kids took it hard (particularly the younger one). I did try to let them know their father still loved them, but he needed to be away for a little while and take care of himself. I actually did explain to my kids about MLC and "mid-life jouney's" and how this had nothing to do with them, their dad loved them still, but he was in a place where he needed to go find himself and we had to let him go. Maybe he'd come back, maybe not... but we had to create the best lives for ourselves.

It was a really hard time for my kids. I like to hope that some of it made them stronger and more understanding so that if they ever go through it, or have a spouse going through it, they will be able to work through it with strength and understanding.



It's not a matter of "standing by her," but more like loving her enough to "let her go" and decide where she wants to be. While, in the meantime, working on yourself to create a better friend, future husband etc...

I think you are doing very good, but I know it's very painful and difficult. You are a good guy....

P.s. You did the right thing on the money Issue. Being the primary parent you need to stay firm to the agreement. Always say the children need this or that and NICELY point out how you need the money for them. Unfortunatley money can become a big issue during separation and D.

what Running said.

((( j )))

Wow, thanks running and 25yrs, both have helped me. I am trying my best to let W have her space and I have not talked about our R since she told the kids she was leaving on Feb 1. I have been working on me and making changes I have wanted to do for a long time but never took the initiative. The change I am working on is being more assertive and build up my self-esteem/confidence. I have already seen a difference at my work as I talk more in meetings than I have in the past and my boss wants me to facilitate meetings and run projects. This is all scary and exciting as I believe I will only grow into a better person for myself and my kids. I have told the kids that their mother loves them and this has nothing to do with them.
I am working on letting go as I know in my heart W does want to be happy and I also want her to be happy. Of course, I want her to be happy and with me but I cannot control that. I'm having better days since the bomb and have been busy GAL and need to work on more 180s.
Today after I cooked dinner, cleaned dishes, did a load of laundry, went to the YMCA to exercise then back home to help with homework and had to log into work for about an hour. Another long day but its great being home with the kids all the time!!

You are awsome!!! Make sure you do some positive things for yourself. Are you still baking. I wish there were some way you could "beam me" (Star Trek style) a couple of those thin chocolate chip cookies you mentioned you bake. Your W must be completely insane to let something like that go!!!

Dang PP,

you are where it took me months to a YEAR to get...geez, you shame me! Seriously, even though you may have some backslides, you are really doing so well. Keep it up buddy. No matter what happens with her...no matter, life is short and this is all you have.

I read a quote about thinking of your life as a book. And ask yourself who is writing your book, and how will the next chapter(s) go? You need to be the author of your life and not let anyone else write it.
What I'm reading here on your posts, is a man who is becoming the author of his own life and making some changes and seeing how it all goes...and that is very cool.


Have the book of your life go the way YOU want it to go.

(( j ))

I'll be baking cookies for my support group on Friday - I'll have one for you, they are really good. I bake over 1000 for Christmas gifts for my neighbors, friends and family.

I do want to respond to 25ys as you have given me much inspiration and encouragement.
However, I want to journal about my day as it was very good. Work was busy so my mind was very occupied then went to my parents house to pick them up as they wanted to come over and make dinner for me and the boys. While they were cooking I went for a walk (about an hour) then came home to eat with them. Next we played "Life" which was a lot of fun, then I helped S13 study for his constitution test tomorrow. Also, helped S13 roll his newspapers, which he delivers once a week. Had a nice talk with S15 while he played xbox...these kids love their video games
Almost forgot had lunch with a friend whom I have not seen in about a year. It was good to catch up.

missing my W lots today, not sure why but trying hard to concentrate at work so I don't get too down. Will be going to my brother's tonight for pizza and to celebrate my niece's 20 birthday!

Yesterday went on a long walk after work as it was fairly warm, then walked to church for ash wednesday and then walked to my brother's house for some pizza and cake. Had a good time then my parents took me home. W took the kids to the HS basketball game and brought them home. I only talked with her on the phone yesterday about my walk and stuff with the kids. Tonight I will bake cookies for my support group meeting tomorrow

ppenton,

Know what I like about your updates? They are about your day. You don't mention, "today my wife smirked at me, what does that mean? You don't write, "I perseverated about her all day long". You don't talk about how you are so devestated. Is life really all that different without her in it? You still have to do what you have to do, and I think it's great you are trying to enjoy this time. Good for you.