I think I am dying inside. We went to the MC tonight - each for an individual session. H went first, and then me. While H was talking with MC, I was thinking how proud I was of him for attending with me.
When it was my turn to meet, MC talked with me for a bit and gently let me know that H has NO intentions of working on our relationship or saving our marriage. He holds out NO hope for an improvement and is NOT interested in working to better it.
We married 6 months ago...
MC told me that she had so much hope for us before this session, that she knows that we could overcome our issues and be stronger together and better for the hardships that we've faced. However, since H isn't interested in this, there's going to be a lot less that she's able to do for our situation.
H asked MC to help me understand that he only wants a friendship and that he wants us to have a healthy, workable relationship together - as just friends.
While before I had understood that was the status quo at this time - that he needed to step back, separate for a bit and have some time to think, I didn't realize that his mind was made up. This is so final.
I told MC that I was not able to just give in and accept only a friendship with my H. I told her that I needed to try, to fight for our R. She agreed and said she would do the same thing in my situation, but warned me how hard it would be.
She says that he is basically suffering from PTSD and has withdrawn into himself- H says that 80% of this is due to the infidelity of mine in 2005. He is completely black and white on the issue - NOT interested in pursuing a relationship aside from a friendship.
Please - I need some help to get through this. All of my hopes, dreams and beliefs about our relationship and our future have imploded...
I know I will need to buck up and get on with things, but tonight I really am just shattered. Thanks for any support you can offer.
I would really love to get some feedback from others regarding the latest with my situation. My PMA is currently in the basement, although I'm fighting to get it back to a healthy level. I think last night was the saddest I've ever felt in my whole life. I feel like my entire foundation is crumbling...
lemonsnap
Me - 29 H - 29 M - 6 months T - 8 years ILYBNILWY - 1/24/09 Recovery begins 3/1/09
Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry you're upset. I completely understand your feelings of despair. Right now the best thing to do is realize that you have to go through the feelings and experience them knowing that it will get better.
I remember feeling that our problems were not insurmountable if xBF would just be wiling to work on them. But you can't force someone else to do or feel anything. If your H isn't ready to do anything right now then I'm afraid MC isn't going to be any help.
Read or reread DB and DR. (I only have DR which is more of a step-by-step plan so I really liked the format.) Remember that MWD says to believe none of what they say and only half of what they do. It's not easy, believe me I know. Concentrate on doing things for yourself: PMA and GAL activities. For me, when I was at the bottom, I talked to my friends on the phone or tried to get out and see movies that I know xBF would never have gone to with me. I also started taking dance classes, something I've wanted to do for 20 years.
Also, read and post to other people's threads. You'll be surprised how similar many of them are to your own. The sitchs may not be the same, but the behaviors and scripts are eerily similar. I know it helped me a lot to realize that what I was going through isn't unique. And seeing other WAS saying the exact same thing that your H is saying may help give you some perspective. Also check out people who are a few months further along to see what's coming down the road. You can always go to someone's thread and ask them to visit here. People tend to be very obliging and supportive when they get to know you.
Last edited by pearlharbr; 02/19/0906:14 PM.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I know it's going to be very hard, but what you need to work on right now is detachment. Taking yourself off the emotional roller coaster is one of the best things you can do for yourself. I know it took me a couple months to get there so don't expect to be able to do it right away. But if you can recognize when it's happening that's the first step in being able to remove yourself from it.
There's a good discussion right now about detachment here.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Thanks, Pearl. I've marked that discussion so I can check in on it every once in a while. I'm going to try to buy the DR book soon (probably once my H moves out) so that I can really study it in detail. I've read DB and try to study this forum as much as I can. You're all such inspiration.
It's great advice to check in on people that have a few months more experience with this than me (like you!) I really appreciate it - it's like having big brothers and sisters to give you advice.
Here's my goal for the next few days. I'd say a week, but I need to focus on a day at a time right now:
Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more then ever in your whole life and are desperate and needy.
lemonsnap
Me - 29 H - 29 M - 6 months T - 8 years ILYBNILWY - 1/24/09 Recovery begins 3/1/09
Well, just a warning about following my sitch. I have decided that I am finished with my R so I am no longer DBing for that purpose. I am simply focusing on myself to improve the areas I identified as problems in the R so if/when I decide to date again I will be able to have a better, fulfilling R. If my xBF came to me now and said he was finished with his A and wants to try to work on us I wouldn't take him back.
That said, I believe that other people do have R and M worth saving and that can be saved. So I will never tell you to give up, I just try to offer whatever support I can.
I think that's a great goal to have and something very important to do. And don't worry about thinking in weeks. Taking things one day at a time is all you need to do.
Last edited by pearlharbr; 02/19/0910:49 PM.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Here is my thought: be his friend. If he says he is not ready to work on the relationship, then he probably isn't.
But what has to happen to have a loving/lasting relationship? Friendship.
W and I had gone down that path - we were talking, spending time as a family, she was in her own apt, but we were over almost every single day. When she would drop off kids, she would come in, get stuff out of the fridge, talk to me, even stay for a couple of hours.
I kept pushing and pushing and pushing for more - I kept insisting that she be "open" to something more. I realize in my 20/20 hindsight, that if I had shut up, she would probably have allowed more eventually, but wasn't ready right then.
Then she found OM - someone who lived an hour plus away, was married and had three kids, and was extremely meek/subdued/quiet. A perfect person for her - she didn't have to commit, didn't have to be around him a lot, and he has the OM script - telling her how wonderful she is, and how horrible I am. Things have obviously gone straight down hill from there.
I have gone completely dark on her - won't tolerate an affair, no matter how "benign" it seems.
Take it as a lesson learned from me.
If your alternative to being friends is going to be pushing him into something he doesn't want, what choice do you have?
Pearl and JD, Thank you so much for your insight. It's so helpful to hear from you both.
JD - I know I have to focus 100% right now on being simply friends with my H. I'm going to try my hardest. I've always considered us to be great friends - the challenge will be hiding all of my other feelings for him.
I'm so sorry that you are both suffering through your spouse's A's. My own infidelity - although only a one night A (not trying to make little of it, but it is different) - has done so much to hurt both of us, especially my H.
On that note, I've got a question for people. Does anyone have any experience dealing with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? (PTSD).
Our MC told me last night that my H has many of the symptoms and is probably suffering from this (as a result of my infidelity, NOT related to combat/natural disasters, etc.)
lemonsnap
Me - 29 H - 29 M - 6 months T - 8 years ILYBNILWY - 1/24/09 Recovery begins 3/1/09
Pearl alerted us you could use some support. My H and I are separated for 7 mo now. Just married 2.5 years. He has other problems, I didn't mention it in my sitch, he also suffers from PTSD. H is now getting help. You can read up on it almost anywhere. IC for him and MC for both will help you learn how to deal with it.
Like anything else, M problems are tough on both. Reading through your posts I empathize with the non stop thinking and sleeplessness. Same advice as others - talk to your MD about sleep aid. The thinking spin is your way of trying to "fix" it. You can't fix a M. It has to be a do-over so to speak. My philos about M breakdown is that if something is working it doesn't break. If it isn't working then at some point it breaks. Doesn't mean it has to stay broken, just repaired. Repairing is rebuilding it- making changes that are needed to sustain the R between you both. I think some spouses are adamant about not working on R because they don't have a clue what to do so they do nothing for awhile. Then they begin to miss the R and want to try again.
Keep working with the C, read a lot, keep yourself busy and get some sleep girl and don't forget to eat once a day.
