I was thinking about what you said some more while I was making soup and I thought ... I think there is a way for me to use your suggestion. instead of like, "the postcard is great, the new photos are great, blah blah blah" I could just say, "by the way, nice postcard. have fun in LA."
I think part of me feels like if I stop wanting as much as I do, then there will be no wanting happening at all. but *probably* the truth is more like... if I ever really want to experience being wanted, I need to let go when he is ready to let go.
I think I'll call him after my audition. Maybe while I'm still in Boston, since that's a little sexier. My audition is monday at 12.30, so... sometime after that. This is something new for me, every other time I've called him back within a day or two.
I think the question to be focusing on right now is, "Who do I really want to be, what do I want my life to feel like, and what can I do right now to make that happen?" instead of, "Who do I want B to be, and is he?"
((((Lovely)))))
I love that question. Can we help? Can you post some ideas about how you want your life to look and break the big goals into baby steps that will map the path to get there?
I hope you're having a lovely day, and am sorry for the short post. I've just been hugely verbose on my thread and my fingers are paying!
Hey dear ones, thanks for checking in on me! To give you a short update:
I went to Boston and did my audition and I did... AMAZING!!! There was a lot of craziness because the audition was cancelled because of the blizzard, but then I did it the next day anyway. I played really, really, really well. I am so proud of myself.... I totally met my goal, and I improved so much just in the weeks I spent preparing. I'm also proud because most of the audition was from memory, and I totally nailed it, even though doing things from memory is something new for me. Afterwards the teacher I was auditioning for said, "I've never heard you play like that! That's the best I've ever heard you play! You were so 'ON'!!" So, I feel awesome, no matter what happens with admissions to the school.
In other news, I called B from the airport on my way back to Atlanta and we ended up talking for half an hour. I had just done my audition a few hours earlier and I was brimming with excitement and enthusiasm and pride. I gave him a quick run-down just like I was talking to a friend: how I had a terrible lesson in NYC in January, how i got really depressed and confused about my playing, then how this school encouraged me to apply, I really focused on getting ready and I really improved, etc etc. He was very sympathetic about the drama of rescheduling due to the blizzard. He surprised me by asking me to tell him about the terrible lesson I had in NYC in January. I gave him a tidbit, he asked for more, and we ended up discussing it at great length. He was EXTREMELY supportive and encouraging, and also outraged on my behalf... while I was telling him what the teacher told me during the lesson, he muttered, "what an a--h---" and then told me how he thought what happened was really bizarre and wrong. It made me feel a lot better. It's funny because I really wanted to talk to him right after it happened but I was afraid to show him how crazy and hurt I felt by the teacher, and I was also afraid to talk about it with basically anybody because I was afraid they'd say, "the terrible things the teacher told you were true." But no. In the end I had to cut him off so I could board the plane.
I spent a couple days just ... recovering, sleeping, visiting with a really good friend who was in town. I waited 2 days to call him, then he called me back 2 days after that. I was in an excellent mood from cooking and listening to music.
He started off telling me that he wanted to know more about what the audition meant and what it was for and I explained, a 2 year graduate performance diploma in Boston. He asked me tons and tons and tons of questions, and I started opening up to him about all my doubt and confusion... but with some emotional detachment about it all. It was like I was being very open, but not actually upset about the things that were confusing in my life. I told him everything I'd wanted to tell him all last semester: how I'd felt so discouraged and wondered if I was in the wrong art form ("should I be a jazz drummer? a comedian?"), how I'd felt so discouraged after the lesson in NYC, and then how things had turned around with my playing... I really poured my heart out.
I even told him how I wasn't sure if coming to Atlanta was worth everything I sacrificed, especially now that I'm working to rebuild my tutoring business and also "because of all the energy I've put into staying in touch with the people I left behind to come here" (sort of an allusion to him more than anyone else). He kept drawing me out more and asking me lots and lots of clarifying questions. At one point he asked me, "what is your dream?" and I told him... it is the same dream more or less since I've known him. And afterwards he said, "I needed to hear that." And he told me he was worried that I wasn't thinking in terms of my dreams anymore--that when he heard about what I was doing it seemed very short-term. He told me how when I was in Boston, it seemed to him like I had these big goals "in the driver's seat" and because of that, everything else fell into place behind my big goals. I laughed and said I just remembered struggling in Boston so much. He expressed concern that my big goals weren't in the driver's seat anymore. But in a way that was really encouraging. I told him, very heartfelt, "It means a lot to hear this from you, because there aren't many people, maybe no one else, who knows me the way you do." There was a long pause, and then he just said, "thank you," or something like that.
At first I thought maybe he was quizzing me to figure out where I was going to be. Maybe that was part of it, but it also seemed like he really needed to hear what was going on in my core. I even wondered, a little tiny piece of me, if me losing sight of my big dreams was something that turned him off while we were still together. This is all sheer conjecture on my part.
After a while I told him I was feeling a little overwhelmed, just because I hadn't talked to anyone about what was going on in my head about my future that much, and I told him I wanted to talk to him more about it, but maybe at a later time when I felt less overwhelmed. Then he asked me if he could tell me something good that happened to his best friend, and then told me how his best friend just got into a super prestigious grad program (in Texas--sad for B, b/c it's so far away from NYC) and also pulled his GRE score up a TON just studying by himself. We talked about that for a little bit and then got off the phone. I purposely didn't say anything about future contact and then he said, "Let's talk again soon," and I said, "That sounds great," And he said, "Call me," and I said, "Sounds like a plan" or something like that.
The whole phonecall was over 90 minutes long..?? It felt so good. It felt really, really intimate. The way things felt when we were together and things were good.
So, I think the ball is in my court to call him back. I was planning to call him this past weekend (about a week after he called me) but I was in a totally foul mood and didn't want to call him when I felt depressed. So I'm thinking maybe thursday after yoga class... I'm usually in a pretty good place. I want to get his opinion about the school I auditioned for, and just continue the discussion from before.
Otherwise, I should find out from the school any day now.
Aside from the excellent contact with B and getting to hang out with my outoftown friend and trying to workout or do yoga ever day, I have been feeling pretty depressed. I think I just need to practice and get out of my house and have social interaction. But I have also started to feel mega stressed about my financial situation, which is a whole different story.
ANYWAY... wow I thought that would be really brief but it was not.
Thanks to anyone who has read this-- And thank you for checking up on me. I wanted to write sooner.
