Holy cow, I wrote you this really long response last night and it's not here! I reviewed it and everything...what the heck? User stupidity, I'm sure, but man, that is so weird...did you get an email or see it? I cracked some really good funnies, too, if I do say so myself.
Well...hm...I'm very glad you went to your doctor. I hope you also find a therapist...I do think you should tell your wife...in a kind of FYI manner, just so she knows. Honest communication is essential on the road to recovery...you know, tell her, and if she rolls her eyes or flips out, hey, that's her problem, not yours. Ler her flip, and then move on. But at least she knows.
I got a new dog yesterday and the H flipped out on me. We (the new dog and I) slept in the living room last night. Just thought I'd share.
I rambling hoping my rapier like humor would re-emerge just so I could at least put a smile on your face....but I don't think I'm on tonight. Sorry.
However, you have made the very first step in working on yourself and I think that is amazingly fantastic. Have you had a chance to read any of that book yet (I'm going to NAG about this, you know). Like I said to Sooner, the journey of a 1,000 miles begins with the first step...and you are now on your way.
Take the second one now. What's it going to be? I personally think that shutting your eyes and stabbing at a name in the yellow pages was a particularly brilliant suggestion...just make sure to read the fine print...you don't want to see someone who specializes in eating disorders.
Or, another fine idea I believe someone brought up was an exercise program...at least walk around the block or something. Just get out of the house and do it for you. Ride a bike, take a jog, hell, jazzercise isn't all that bad...just something..
Oh, yes, and funny movies. Go rent some funny movies. Put that one on your to do list. Laughter is an incredible balm for the soul.
All right, I'm outta here. I think I made my point yet again.
Sorry sweetie, but some women have drives as strong as men do, so I understand your frustration. I just got my anti- depressant meds filled, too. Struggled for two weeks whether I would fill the prescription or not. I'm really loath to take them but the "black pit" of depression is as unbearable as my sitch. I just can't function, so I am going to try these dammed pills. Reading about the side effects scares the crap out of me. So far no effect but it can take several weeks. Keep in touch.
I think I mentioned this in a post on another thread; anti-depressent libido-dampening effect seems to vary significantly based on the drug chosen, the dosage, and the individual taking it. In my case, my W is taking Prozac, and her drive is essentially zero (which to be honest is not that far of a drop compared to much of our marriage). I'm taking Effexor at 75 mg; it's reduced but certainly not eliminated my drive/arousal. That's the "physical" component of sex drive. As to the "mental/emotional" component, I really can't speak to my wife's experience other than her depression is significantly improved; for my part, there's not too much difference in this aspect. So, in the end I still climb the wall, I can just get back down somewhat faster and don't get as sore. I guess what I'm saying (although you probably already know this) is don't disappoint yourself by thinking that chemically beating back the "physical" component will make the hurt all go away, because it won't. Yes, it's moderately more tolerable, but at least for me that's as far as it goes.
Johanna, I would add that if your meds don't start doing what you want, once you've validated your expectations, don't be shy about asking your Dr. about changing dosage or meds. Our one son is being treated for anxiety (vice depression), but we went through 3-4 drugs before we found one that worked, and we're still tweaking the dosage to get the balance just right. So weigh the across-the-board impacts and do what's best for you; while the potential side effects of any one of these meds makes for interesting reading, if you're not experiencing them, don't worry about them. Just don't get complacent. I hope this helps.
HERE is Edward Bear, coming downstairs now, bump, bump, bump, on the back of his head, behind Christopher Robin...sometimes he feels that there really is another way [of coming downstairs], if only he could stop bumping for a moment and think of it.
Sorry if I always come across pegging all women as LD, I am aware that there are some of you unfortunate HD ladies out there that are suffering a similar "permanent erection syndrome". I must admit that most of the women I have known (not including past lovers) have tended to be on the lower end compared to their husbands. Most of the guys I know complain about their wives losing interest after a few years or having kids. This is where my generalization comes from and also I write from my perspective without taking others into account. Hope I haven't offended any of you lovely ladies.
My doctor put me on Paxil and said it would take a few weeks, but psychologically I already feel better knowing that I am getting help, that someone is on my side helping me deal with this. That alone is giving me some peace. I have also made some decisions (thanks in part to Corri's foot smacking my arse) to really seek contentment in spite of the sh*t that I have to deal with.
No doubt I will get beaten to my knees many times again but at least I'm able to try right now. I'm thinking that maybe not being so fearful of losing my marriage (if that ever happens) may actually allow me to hang on to it better. Not sure if that makes sense.
Another thing that is giving me some hope is that our doctor sympathized with my frustration and the disfunction that is occurring in our sex life. He said he would discreetly check into my wife's lack of interest on her next visit and offer some help if she accepts it. There may yet be miracles out there.
Well, I told my wife that I had gone to the doctor for the depression and anxiety and that he had prescribed something to help me. He has been our family doc since the beginning and is great. My wife really likes him and respects his opinion. He actually listens to you and explains things without rushing off to plunder the pocketbook of another patient as many doctors do.
So her response to my getting help from the doctor made me take a step back. She said it made her sad and disappointed in me that I would resort to using drugs for something that is not so bad. She said she would never take anything like that just to feel better or increase her libido. I was flabbergasted. I had expected her to be glad that I was taking steps to improve my situation, to deal with the frustrations without putting a burden on her. I was happier just knowing that I had made a choice to begin finding more contentment. She cut me down so fast, I was defenseless; it was so unexpected. Scrambling to find some points she might see as positive (other than simply me being happier) I mentioned the side effect (benefit in this case) of possibly lowering my libido. That perked her up a bit. She then surprised me again by suggesting that I talk with a therapist, that I might find it helpful, since there were a lot of issues that I couldn't discuss with her. I agreed. That was very positive. I'm not one to seek help like this so hopefully she is realizing what a big deal this is for me to go to these lengths.
I am glad it is out in the open, however, it may help her realize that I am working on this. Maybe I'm planting a few seeds that might sprout in her heart some day. This is my hope.
I think what might be part of your wife's problem is that she see's EVERYTHING as if she is the center. I think to a degree we all do this, but I really think she is far beyond ever, ever really hearing you.
I say this because when you mentioned that your prescription would possibly benefit her, she perked up. That's very, very sad.
Like you've pointed out, though, there are positives to her responses, and I do believe her encouragement for you to seek therapy is good for you. I think she is encouraging you for herself at this moment -- that sad, but it's okay, too...she has no idea what is coming when you start getting healthy again.
I think in the last week you have taken some huge steps for yourself that you should really be proud of. The most important of them being you have been honest with your wife, even if she at this point cannot or will not see your pain (seeing or acknowledging your pain could be very painful for her, you know. That could be one of the reasons she is in such deep denial).
But at least now she is aware. You are changing the dance, slowly but surely, and believe me, she is going to start to notice. I promise.
At this point, try not to put too much stock in her responses to you, because again, I don't think she is responding to you honestly. And because she isn't, all you are doing is opening yourself up for hurt if you take what she says to heart. If she doesn't agree with one thing you are doing, so what. You aren't doing them for her. You are doing these things for yourself.
If it means anything to you, I'm am so excited and so proud of you I've got tears in my eyes. (That sounds rather patronizing, but I sure don't mean it that way). You've got a twinge of hope where before there was less than none.
Get to therapy, guy. Try to read that book I recommended, at least in snatches...you are on your way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just read your post to Nopkins. As far as not letting sex get boring or routine, that would be my next area to address, although it's ridiculous to consider quality when there isn't any quantity. How can one improve something that you don't practice. If "practice makes perfect" then "neglect makes atrophy".
Anyway, I wanted to make some points for you. First off, have you bought that aphrodisiac book I suggested for you? No? Well, get your butt off the couch and get it. (trying out my Corri style advice ) Seriously, most of the sex help books out there focus on making sex exciting and fresh. You have the battle mostly won already by just being interested in making it better.
I think a lot of boredom can be avoided by simply nurturing a SPF 45 desire, that is, if you are both really hot and horny and follow the course of nature, you will be gettin' it on in fun places and in fun ways. Don't be afraid of taking chances, trying things that you're not sure if he'll be shocked by. My guess is he will be shocked with the biggest horny grin you could imagine. Remember the smile you put on his face when you followed my "bj surprise" advice
If the 90's were about finding your inner child, then the 00's + are about finding your inner, well, slut (this includes LD guys, hope I'm not offending too many here, but let's be frank). Why not? What have you got to lose by going after your sexiness like a hungry tiger? You have only to gain a husband that will adore you and hardly wait to be with you. Don't be shy. Do the unexpected, surprise him, get creative.
Ok some specific ideas; remember that I don't know your husband so I'm going from my perspective, you'll have to adjust for his desire level. I'll try to keep it under X rated.
If you do have sex in the bedroom, then go for some different positions: front/back: standing, sitting, kneeling, crawling, upside down, sideways, "the corkscrew", blindfold & tease, "choo-choo train", "the flamingo", whatever. Get silly. Tease each other with a glass of wine or a squeeze bottle of your favorite honey or chocolate. Flirt and tease, that will drive him wild. Lingerie, whipcream, candles, music. Tear the blankets off bed and throw him down. He won't put up a fight. Take the reins occasionally, give him a break. I could go on...
Now, out of the room: kitchen floor (mopped), kitchen table (tell him what's for dessert! ), stairs, living room coffee table, sofa, easy chair, laundry room, out on the deck--Yes! Take some risks, be sneaky.
Out of the house: In the woods(hiking is good for you! Sex in the woods is even better for you, just watch out for poison ivy and nettles ), touch him under the table in a dark restaurant, skinny dipping at the lake (before winter hits), in the car on an isolated road, in short, look for the opportunity.
AM, No offense taken, we all realize the pain in these situations and are here to help each other cope. This BBS has been a Godsend to me to just talk with other fellow suffers. Most of us love our spouses and try with all of our might to effect positive change, even though it may be slight, but most inportantly, we know that we have tried. I pray everyday that my H will understand, but after all of this time, I think that my prayers have fallen on deaf ears. But I still try, some days harder than others, some days not at all.
I have been on since Monday. I noticed a huge drop in my anxiety and frustration level on Thursday morning, which I hope continues. Even though I don't want to take these dammed pills, I feel better right now, and that was the onlt reason I took this drastic of a step. I just hate taking meds.
I also have a very supportive physican who is trying to help me cope with the physical effects of the depression. Perhaps the Paxil lowering my libido is a side effect that I need to cope. I hope that you will also feel better physically and psychologically with the medication. Keep in touch.
Well, you have given me so much hope...God bless your ever lovin' heart. I am happy to report that I am not shy of different positions, different locations, initiating (not so much anymore, at any rate)...don't feel quite comfy yet with the real sexy nighties, but that might change as I get my body back into shape (it isn't all that bad now, really, just not where I'd like it to be.)
I'm not shy on suggesting things, so I guess that is good...and no, I have not gotten the book you recommended. I will, I promise. Can't hand out advice if I'm not willing to take it.
Do me a favor, would you? Read the post I wrote to Cloudnine and see what you think. I think it could aptly apply to you, but I do wonder what you think.
Keep truckin', boss man. You've got it in you, I know you do.
I feel a bit silly now for making so many suggestions and somewhat explicitly . It sounds like you're already fairly bold and open-minded. I bet this one will push your comfort level, though: when you're a bit more comfortable after losing that 3.375 lbs that you claim is holding you back, and are ready for some lingerie, go for a surprise striptease by candlelight. HA! That'll get him! I think it is fantastic that you are so open and willing to try to be sexual after so many years of not being able to throw yourself in the lava pit of lusty love.
What you just wrote to Cloudnine felt like it was directed to me, absolutely. Makes perfect sense. My wife has come right out and told me before that if I backed off and didn't try to give her so much affection and attention that she might be able to pursue me more. The problem is that I've tried this with mixed results. When I don't pursue her like I've always done she notices something is wrong and mistakes it for coldness or becomes suspicious of my affections being directed somewhere else!
I can't seem to even pull off a 180. Also for it to take effect, I think that I need to be able to hold off for much longer than I can suffer through, several months it seems. Hopefully, the Paxil will give me some ability to ignore the achings of my heart and body. I can't imagine the need for soul intimacy to go away just because the physical need has relaxed a litttle. We'll see. Gaining some hope.
I'll think some more about that post to CN and how it applies to me.
) Seriously, most of the sex help books out there focus on making sex exciting and fresh. You have the battle mostly won already by just being interested in making it better.
), touch him under the table in a dark restaurant, skinny dipping at the lake (before winter hits), in the car on an isolated road, in short, look for the opportunity.
