Oh trust me i know what she felt like like now and its not good. I cant eat, sleep, or function like a normal human being anymore I dont know how she did it for so long.
I know I broke her trust and faith in me but every time we talk about my A (and I am open and honest) its leads to us fighting again and i dont want that. I do believe she wants to know the truth about everything so she can rest her mind. I feel if we can get this behind us we can move foward and start our lives again and be happy.
As for not focusing on her liking someone else is the hardest thing I wll ever have to do. This whole thing is stuck in my mind and I cant shake it.
Sometimes I wish my W would have used some of the advice she got here and stuck with it. There were a few times she did the opposite of that and it made me very upset and confused. Thats why im here to get the best advice I can cause I have no one to turn to right now in my life. My W was my life my rock and I threw it away.
This summer my W told me a story that she told her one her friends who tried setting her up on a blind date. She said she loved me and was quite certain that if I had changed my mind in a year she would take me back. Now that year has passed and I feel Im becoming a better person. W biggest concern is she doesnt no how to live alone and I keep saying you dont Im right here give the chance to prove it. Ive asked a couple times for her to go see a counciler with me whom Ive seen a few times and this guy in one visit knew what caused our martial problems and I know if she went with me we could save our marriage and our family.
As for not focusing on her liking someone else is the hardest thing I wll ever have to do. This whole thing is stuck in my mind and I cant shake it.
Sometimes I wish my W would have used some of the advice she got here and stuck with it. There were a few times she did the opposite of that and it made me very upset and confused.
Ive asked a couple times for her to go see a counciler with me whom Ive seen a few times and this guy in one visit knew what caused our martial problems and I know if she went with me we could save our marriage and our family.
Most of your post, I highlighted some above, is focused on your W. I think one of the most basic DB principles is you need to focus on yourself, and not what your W is doing or not doing, in the past or present. Let all that go. You are responsible for a lot of what is going on in your life now, and you should work on that stuff.
Yes, your W may not have been a perfect DBer all the time. None of us are. We all do our best, and when we make mistakes, resolve to do better in the future. Sometimes it's 2 steps forward and one step back.
AA might be the most important thing you can do. My brother and my H both are AA members and it's saved their lives I think. And MC might be able to help your R, I think it would have helped many of the couples here, but if you both aren't willing to go for whatever reason, then you should focus on IC and do that. Work on making yourself the best, strongest, healthiest, and happiest you. I was kind of messed up and depressed in 2007 and I don't know that it would have been possible for me to have a good, healthy R or M until I worked on myself. Karen
Hey Karen I am working hard to be better myself but it all seems for not. I havnt pushed the R with W but it doesnt seem to matter. I starting to think why am I doing all this. Sure I may come out a better me but to me thats second choice. Being with my W makes me a beter person.
We met today for about 45 min and we had a great visit. I told her how beautifull she was when she islaughing and cracking jokes at me,it was great to see.
Sure I may come out a better me but to me thats second choice. Being with my W makes me a beter person.
Again focusing on the W instead of yourself! Has your wife suggested changes that she thinks you should make or you know she thinks you should make? Changes that would make you a healthier, happy person? Those are the kind of changes you need to work on. You won't be able to have a happy R with anyone until you make some changes most likely or you wouldn't be posting here.
For example, when I got here I was depressed, not trying anything new, no self confidence, and a real doormat. I've worked on GALing, trying new stuff, got over the depression (with a lot of hard work and ADs), and worked on becoming a stronger, more self-confident person. Everybody has their own changes that they prob. need to make so of course yours will be different than mine. But just an example of the kind of stuff we try to work on. What kind of 180s and changes do you think you need? What are you doing for GALing this week? Karen
And are you going to do that to make yourself feel better or bring you closer to your wife? What do you really want here? Let that answer be your guide.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I believe today will be the day I will talk to OM and let the other side no I know
Hi Dwarf,
I see that the title of your thread is "Wanting to come home" Obviously we are in the infidelity forum, and there is a lot of discussion about affairs and the exposure of them. In your opinion the "OM" that you are referring to, in any way does he impact anything that has happened in your marriage? I mean, is he responsible for the breakdown of the marriage, the ensuing fall out or in your wife's current stance not to let you come home?
Do you actually believe that there is an affair going on, or do you just want to not be the only bad guy? As Kat stated, what is your goal?
Originally Posted By: dumb dwarf
Sometimes I wish my W would have used some of the advice she got here and stuck with it. There were a few times she did the opposite of that and it made me very upset and confused. Thats why im here to get the best advice I can cause I have no one to turn to right now in my life.
If you were to focus on the positive, did you see any changes in your wife as a result of reading db and the advice she was given on these boards? If so, is there anything about those changes that you could apply to your current situation?
Originally Posted By: Karen43
For example, when I got here I was depressed, not trying anything new, no self confidence, and a real doormat. I've worked on GALing, trying new stuff, got over the depression (with a lot of hard work and ADs), and worked on becoming a stronger, more self-confident person. Everybody has their own changes that they prob. need to make so of course yours will be different than mine. But just an example of the kind of stuff we try to work on. What kind of 180s and changes do you think you need? What are you doing for GALing this week? Karen
You are very lucky to have Karen posting to you she is a prime example of what DBing can do for YOU, when I was posting all the time I watched her progress into a stronger and more confident woman every single day until she reached the point she is at now.
Come back often and journal about how YOU are doing and what YOU are doing as far as GAL. I know loneliness is something, I struggle with a lot, and I am sure a lot of other posters do as well. Come back here often for support and read other's threads and offer them support as well, it helps you feel like you are not alone.
Take care and good luck.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
No i would never do that to W I have hurt her enough and to do that to her would never win back in the house or her life.
Im just hurting so bad that even saying that makes feel better and I know its not alright.
As everyone says i need to work on me so I have begun the process. Startin in March I am enrolled in a program that will run for 3 months and 2 hours each sesssion.
After reading the brochure (also discussed with W) we both agree that alot of the program is evrything I am. For example using threats, controlling nature, as well as abuse and the list goes on.
So in the end we both agreed this is going to help me become a better me and I am looking foward to getting started and giving it 110% of focus, mind and body.
Like all the advice you all have given me (work on me) Im taking it to heart cause I believe Im worth it
You are absoultely correct about not wanting to be the only bad guy. My W exposed A I lost alot of friends in the processs. I guess i wanted her to feel in that pain as well and have have every one talk about her.
Yes i did see alot of positive changes in her. For one she started to GAL and make new friends along the way. I too would love to do that.
Thanks Snow for the great advice. Im very new at this and dont really now what to say half the time but journelling about my days i can do cause I do everyday anyways. Also was a little shy about going to read other threads and give advice considering what I have done but maybe I can help.
