Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers JDOllie's story #5

Doing nothing is THE best idea JD.

JD,

I am in the same boat. If you don't see a clear way forward, just do nothing!

Had some developments in my sitch if you are interested.

JD you are so calm and doing so well!!

Journaling:

I have been really searching through my feelings lately - trying to get some discernment as to where I want to go.

W and I had gone to a single MC session, and the counselor told her that if she didn't deal with the issues of abuse in her past, we probably wouldn't get very far with MC.

Long story short - I found out the my mortal mistake. Going to a counselor that didn't believe in marriage. She was actually a trauma/abuse counselor not a marriage counselor, and her solution for W was to "embrace her feelings and leave."

She even insisted that she would NOT counsel us as a couple. This statement came even though she had not spoken to me at all other than the introductory visit.

So, what was funny was that she referred W to, get this: a domestic violence support group! (W had told her I was emotionally and verbally abusive)

Just on a whim - I was looking at the support group's website, and they had a list of 20 or so signs of emotional and verbal abuse.

Being COMPLETELY honest with myself, I fit two or three of them.

W fit ELEVEN of them.

Just an interesting perspective for me.

Exh and I went to one of those 'liberating' (what I call them) counselors. She was recommended by exh's sister who was leaving her marriage. I really look back now and realize what a mistake that choice was. She was definately a man hater and encouraged me to stick my flag in the sand and don't budge on certain things. Yes, exh has issues but she really wasn't pro marriage. She was pro independent women. All fine and dandy for some, but we were looking at that time to save our marriage. I remember she had me fighting with exh about things that should have really been worked through.

This highlights again how careful you need to be when choosing a counselor. My sister (whose job is to help families with difficult children) recommended I look for a counselor that practices Solution Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT). I believe that's the method that MWD practices also (this was before I learned about DB). I found a counselor about 1.5 hours from us that specializes in marriage problems AND practices that method. Then I emailed her and described our issues and asked how she thought she could help. Convinced by her answer, we went to see her and I think she's great and well worth the drive!

Bottomline: Do your research beforehand! A counselor could move your sitch in any direction, you want to make sure it will move in the way you want it to.

Heck yeah - W went into counseling with us doing pretty well - she had sworn for a year and a half she WOULDN'T go to counseling. I had found my boundaries, was giving her space - we were talking, spending time as a family. Then she came out of being with this counselor (5 visits) and pronounced herself "healed" from her entire past of sexual abuse as a child, familial verbal abuse, etc. Then she proceeded to tell me that her reactions to me were good reactions, and she needed to "protect" herself from me.

Took 6 months to get to the point where she realized that was really pretty stupid, and I actually got things back on track months later.

I have to tell everyone here - the going dark is superb. I think my efforts at it are going to be very slow - mostly because W is in school 5 days a week, and basically works the entire weekend. She also has BFF over several days a week - I'm guessing that the BFF spends the night there 3-4 nights a week - she cooks, cleans, entertains the kids. What W doesn't realize is that D8 is calling her her "second mom". I don't know about anyone else, but I would NEVER be in a position where my kids would call someone their "second dad".

Anyway, essentially, she doesn't feel any "pain".

HOWEVER, the positives are what it's doing for ME! Which is really what going dark is all about. It is helping me to get focused on work, REALLY enjoy the time with my kids - talk to family, set up a "guy's night out", and so on.

I find myself thinking less about W - and honestly, not being consumed all the time actually makes me think of her in a more positive light - not sure why that is.

So, I'll continue dangling here - it doesn't feel too bad. I don't dread divorce, I don't stress out about W coming back, I don't worry about how she'll act next week.

I was wary about finding a MC who would support working on the R instead of telling us it's better to split so I asked them about their views before picking one. Didn't do any good in the end since xBF never really wanted to work on the R, just went because I said I wanted to try MC. Whatever.

Going dark has been good for me too. Different sitch in that I no longer want to salvage the R, but ignoring his requests to see me feels pretty good. Not doing it to be petty or spite him, I just don't think I would get anything out of it. I only do things now that benefit me and he's no longer a priority in my life.