Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives Useless Desires [15]

Hey Steve,

Interesting perspective. Guess I'm not there yet. It's frustrating to be in between things right now. And it sucks that I don't have much time for social life because of trying to finish MS degree. I'm almost there, though, so if I can hold out another couple months it'll all be good.

lodo

Yep, that is what I meant by this:



Have a great weekend!

Hey Lodo, hope you don't mind me jumping in, without reading ALL the posts, and I hope steveinIn doesn't mind, what I've read, he's been pretty good.

Happy VD day. (wry smile)

the dreams die hard. I'm having a hard time with that, and I didn't get a D.

I think knowing that you can D, that it is a choice, is powerful. At least for me, until my W left, I couldn't even imagine leaving her. Now I see it is an option. I think it should always be an option.

D might mean you lose a peice of yourself, but you also find parts of yourself that had been lost. I like myself better now than before. I will fight not to lose myself in the future.

My best friend went through a terrible break up about the same time I went through my hell. He'd been through it before though. He said it would take him 2 years to get it worked out. It's been about 2 years, and I see him getting more involved, thinking of dating again, getting excited about life, becoming more involved. Two years is a long time, but some people might take longer. But it does work out, just as you said, Lodo.

I think you'll always miss her, and the R, and what could have been. But the meaning will change subtley.

Hey lodo, the news this morning had a blip about skijoring at Steamboat CO. Made me think of you.

You have to process your thoughts and purge your system, but maybe you should just go to bed earlier. JK, your reflections of the LBS spouse are amazing. It makes me wonder if I am as ready for change as I think I am.

Do you mean a happy ending for that M? I still think it's possible to have a happy ending whether single or married. I'm still hoping there might be someone out there that would appreciate me, like me for who I am, be faithful and all that. I mean my H is kind of a cheating liar, the D maybe makes it finally possible to actually have a happy ending? Karen

Hey login,

Just responded to your thread, but happy VD day to you *wry smile back*. Here's my fave VD day movie:

http://www.zefrank.com/valentine/

Relationship Apocalypse Day - I like that better.

Dude, it's comforting to know that D is an option?! You sound like a relationship existentialist. Glad you're re-finding yourself, guess that's what we're all trying to do.

Hey WCW,

maybe I should go to bed earlier, lol

Hey Karen,

Yep, I meant the idea that there will be a happy ending for that M. You know, the idea that if you just read DB enough times and tried hard enough it'd all work out. But your final point is well taken

Has been raining here for 2 days straight. I'm beginning to lose my mind.

lodo

hey everyone,

seeking advice on the whole "being friends" question.

XW has started sending me little emails again - not much of anything but little friendly tidbits. How are the cats, I liked the outfit you were wearing today, how is your work coming along - that sort of thing. And she signs them "me", which used to be the way we sent emails to each other. During the midst of the D, she stopped signing emails like that and used her name instead.

So I know she's way overworked and that she broke up with BF #2 because she wasn't willing to place activities with him over her work. So my gut feeling is she's reaching back out to me because I'm familiar and if I respond pleasantly, she won't feel so guilty. At least a month ago she was still breaking into tears around a friend of mine.

In the past, I tried to be friends, but during the D I no longer saw a reason to try so hard. She insisted we shared nothing in common, were incompatible, said she knew we related on many levels but didn't think that was worth much, and refused to do anything together. So my rationale was, on what basis, then, does a friendship rest on? I look to my friends for support, trust, and understanding. So I've been cordial, but have otherwise steered clear to give myself the space I need to get her out of my heart.

My question is, how do I deal with these emails and her sleeve-tugging? I'm sure she's testing the waters. The old me would be friendly and respond in a pleasant manner - that's what she's expecting. The current me doesn't trust why I would want to respond because I'm still not over her. The future me probably wouldn't give a sh*t because she never gives much in return so why bother, although she is very good at social situations, just not relationships.

People keep saying to forgive and take the high road and don't be bitter and don't hold onto the past. So is it not forgiving and being bitter to not respond to XW? We don't have kids, so there really isn't any reason to talk to each other.

thanks, lodo

Why torture yourself over this? To me the answer comes from answering a question : would you choose this person to be your friend?
K

Of course I would, but that's because I still care about her very much. That's why I don't trust myself. I'm not torturing myself, just trying to heal in the best way possible. I just don't want to get all bitter and when I tell myself she isn't worth responding to, I feel myself getting bitter.

You would? Then why isn't she worth responding to? I dont get you. Maybe it is too soon for you?

When me and my Texan husband divorced with a very amicable divorce (neither one of us felt we were ever married under the circumstances we decided to do it), we stayed away from each other for about a year and a half. But we both wanted to be friends and when the time was right (although it WAS a mutual decision, no hard feelings involved) we established a friendship that lasts more than 15 years now.

To be bitter and still feel pain, to me, seems normal.You probably need time to get out of the of the old R and it's "consequences" before you are able to create a new one with her. Could you be yourself with her? Act naturally and talk to her as friends do? Share parts of your life and share parts of her life also?
K