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Aud and Matilda,
I'm getting a flurry of emails from her, so I'm trying to post more often rather than have one long post.

Her recent emails says that she's sad about the deterioration of the M, and the distance we have. She doesn't validate any of my emails, saying that I continue to blame circumstances for my behavior.

She says that she has tolerated me for too long, possibly due to emotional abuse as a child, and that she cannot tolerate any more abuse from me. She said what is going to change is her tolerance of any more abuse from me. She is going to move forward in a positive way.

She also complains about not having enough space, and that I'm around the house too much.

I don't understand her perspective.

It sounds like the current M is dying, and turning a corner.

I'll have to let this happen.

CL

(((CL)))

By the way, I like the vision of a space suit.

Matilda,
I'm out of ideas on how to improve the M at this point. What I'm doing doesn't seem to be moving us forward--dancing, cooking, running errands, monthly housecleaner. It's too soon to know the influence of IC, or the Friendship Force world travel group.

I do think my GAL efforts (dance lessons and dancing), hobbies (poetry, raising my sheep puppy dog), and self-help efforts (books and podcasts) have allowed me to cope with my situation, grow personally, and stay with my situation.

I'm reading DB again for a different perspective. I'd like to think there's a solution that I haven't discovered yet.

In the meantime, I need to let this situation happen.

CL

CL,
My only suggestion would be to take the quiz in the 5LL. Even if you don't read the book make a copy of the quiz--one for you, one for your wife. It just seems like the things that you are doing aren't what is most important to your wife. The kind, helpful things you are doing SHOULD be making your marriage better, I know. At this point they are not making the difference.

I've been talking more about my personal experience lately, but it does seem similar. I always cooked for my H, took care of my daughter, put cards/presents in his suitcase when he was going on a trip, took his mom shopping, gave him a lot of fredom to pursue his hobby (that darn drum corps that started his affair!). You know what mattered to him? A spotles house! I could never measure up! I said so many times that my good heart should be more important than my lousy housekeeping skills. It wasn't. I never really "got it" according to him. By not having a spotless house I didn't "respect his wishes".....or something like that.

The itimacy issue keeps popping up for you. Your wife expects you to fill that role....no matter how she behaves. She does not want to admit that her behavior has an affect on your desire to be intimate. You have even started counseling.....but she doesn't even seem to appreciate that effort you've made.

Would she read Mars/Venus? Five Love Languages? The book you ordered? I know she said she wanted her space. What if you left a book out for her to "find" without even telling her you wanted her to read it.

What if you went dark? (is that the correct term? It's been awhile since I read DB) What if you weren't available to help her with HER cooking job? What if you weren't home when she returned from her dancing Wed night (or would that be a night she sleeps elsewhere???)

I am proud of you for your GALing! I am sorry to be so long winded and opinionated....I just wish your wife would particpate in making your marriage work instead of being so negative about you.

Matilda,
My impression is that DB would say that I don't have intimacy issues, but that the patterns of our relating make me less likely to want to be intimate. The solution is in changing the pattern of relating, so that I want to be more intimate with my W.

When we're connecting I do feel the stirrings of intimacy.

Maybe I can find some ideas in DB. Maybe reading Mars & Venus can help.

Happiness is ongoing work, so I'll keep working, and try something new, when I think of it.

In the meantime, I'll let the situation happen, and cultivate peace-of-mind by being present in my life without judgment.

CL

Hi CL,

If you are not overloaded with reading I would suggested the book "The way of the superior man" I'm not sure if you have already read it but the introduction seems to suggest it might be helpful to you.

I hear many of todays sucessful women complain that many of todays men have become "wimps" too ambiguos to trust. Sensitive and affectionate men are complaining that too many of todays women have become "ballbusters" too hardened and emotionally guarded to fully embrace.

Sound familiar ?

Anyway I've just started to read it cos I'm sure I can learn from it too.



Lanzo

Lanzo,
Thanks for the visit. I'm looking for different approaches so will explore your book as an option. I'm going to return to following your thread to see how you integrate the book's ideas into your situation.

CL

Good morning CL. I think you're doing fine, keep up what is working for YOU, and hopefully something will click. I think Lanzo's snippet from his book suggestion is interesting, it does sound a lot like your sitch. Don't know if it's encouraging or not, but beneath the bluster and selfishness, your W does seem to want to find a way to connect. Hang in there, hope today is better than yesterday!

CL,
I continue to love your attitude and willingness to learn new things about yourself. Later, when I have some more time, I'm going to catch up on your sitch.