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Hey there everyone. I thought I'd just come on tonight and give a quick update. I've just been to the gym so I feel really refreshed. It always helped. I get Wee Man tomorrow night so that's making me happy. And finally, my W came past tonight to go through some paperwork and somehow seemed to lighten up!! I'm not sure if I imagined it but she just seemed more relaxed around me. I even managed to get her to smile at one point and I'm fairly sure it was very close to a laugh! I'll not read too much in to it but it was a lot more pleasant from my point of view. If we can keep all our interactions so light hearted I think I may be able to finally get somewhere with her. Who knows though? I left my crystal ball in my previous house.

It's a miserable day here weather-wise. The snow melted at the weekend and has been replaced by constant drizzle. Not nice but I'm still in a fairly good mood.

I always get the munchies after the gym and I normally go shopping afterwards too because the supermarket is right next to the gym I go to. Probably not the best time to go shopping. I bought a reasonably healthy sandwich though so it shouldn't hurt me too much.

Right, I think I'm going to go and put on a movie before I go to bed tonight. Keep smiling.

Kev

Good Morning All

Well, I'm not feeling too great this morning. I seem to have caught a bit of a cold and didn't sleep well last night because of it. Hopefully it won't come to much.

Since I couldn't sleep, I did a lot of thinking through the night. I thought about my life, the universe and everything. The one thing that stuck in my mind was the way I was on Saturday night. I really enjoyed myself yet still knew that I loved my W above all else. What struck me when I was thinking last night was that I was acting as I was when my W and I first got together. I was out, enjoying life and having fun in the company of others. That's the guy my W married. Since Wee Man was born though, I've not been that guy. I've taken my responsibilities very serious and have therefore changed quite a lot. I know that life is supposed to change when you have children but more now than ever I see how much of a different person I became. Rather than going out with my friends on occasion, I used my W as my only social outlook. I now truly see how much pressure that must have put on her. It may have been a huge contributing factor to me being on this site. The problem I have now is that I need my W to see me as that person again. More to the point though, I need to be that person again. Yes I know I have more responsibility now as a father but I also have a responsibility to myself as a person to enjoy my life. There's no reason in the world that I can't manage both.

I've got my annual staff appraisal this afternoon. It's not pleasing me! Hopefully won't be too bad though. I'll just have to wait and see. And then from tonight I have Wee Man staying with me for the next couple of nights. I'm really looking forward to that. Add that to the fact that my new TV is being delivered today and I can admit that today is shaping up to be not too bad. If my appraisal goes well, it may even turn in to a really good day! Well, as long as I start feeling a bit better with this cold.

Kev

HI CIW, What you have experienced is called LIFE. It's completely normal. What I don't understand is how some people can handle it, tackle it and excel in it. And how some people just take a totally pessimistic view, give in and use it as an excuse to say, 'I'm bored' or 'I am not having any fun' or 'This isn't what I signed up for, it's not what I was used to' or 'I didn't know it was going to be so difficult'.

When I mentioned that couples who work together make M fun and great, there needs to be a lot of compassion involved. If one person is struggling, the other person can and should help whether it's with mundane stuff like child-rearing or emotional support. However, when there is no compassion and there is resentment, e.g. 'You didn't used to be like this, you are no fun anymore' instead of 'Parenting is a tough job, my partner really needs a break. I know that she/he is really fun/great/caring except that she/he is too tired.'

My H took the resentment attitude instead of the compassionate one. I always looked at him thru compassionate eyes.

It is not realistic to expect parenting NOT to change a person. The secret is HOW you handle it as a couple, that is the secret. Same with infidelity and separation. A lot of men and women can handle obstacles in a marriage but how it is handled and how it proceeds from there will be the test to the marriage. It is unrealistic to expect that everything and everyone will remain unchanged. We are always changing, always learning. THAT is the constant.

Wise words PM. I think that I too was the compassionate one in my M. I worked to try and make life as easy as possible for my W with regard to child rearing and emotional support. Unfortunately, in her eyes, I think that led to her seeing me as boring and unable to have fun any more. At the end of the day, she's still very young and still needs ot have fun. Looking back, I always enabled her to do that at the expense of myself. I was more than happy to sit at home and be supportive and as good a father as I could be and never felt as though I was missing out. Unfortunately, that had the undesired effect of pushing us indifferent directions and led to some resentment from both of us. In my eyes, my W became distant and only seemed to enjoy herself when she was in the company of her friends. From her point of view she probably saw the same. She would more than likely associate me with the mundane life at home but when she was away from me she had her life and her enjoyment. I know now that a massive problem we faced was not doing enough together. The problem was that so much time had already passed since we did anything as a couple, it became too forced and not so enjoyable when we did. That is what I really wanted to work on when I asked my W not to leave. The damage was already done by that point though and she'd fallen out of love with me. That's why it is now so essential that I can show her by whatever means that I can be fun and outgoing again but still keep that grounded, mature family man around too. It's a case of finding a happy medium and projecting to her exactly what I need to become and to keep that image so that she begins to believe that the change is for real.

Obviously this is just speculation from my part for how my W was feeling but it does make sense of a confusing situation. I could be way off mark. I'll probably never know. Right now though, I know that I need to find myself more than ever.

Kev

Had a really bad night's sleep again. Don't know what's up with me as I've been sleeping ok recently. Hopefully it will pass soon. It's definitely not going to help me with work today anyway!

I had Wee Man staying over last night and he'll be staying again tonight. He's on good form and keeps me entertained. It's always special having him around.

I did a lot of thinking last night since I couldn't sleep but I'm so tired this morning that I can't for the life of me remember any of it! I know I had things I wanted to write down on here but my mind's just gone blank. Maybe I'll remember them later on.

So, I'll go now and see if I can get some work done but I'll more than likely pop back later once I get my mind composed a bit.

Hey CIW, sorry to hear about the sleep. Are you thinking too much so cannot sleep or is it that you cannot sleep so you think too much? How did your staff appraisal go? Good news, I hope.

Hi there PM. I think it's a bit of both with the sleep. I can't sleep because I'm thinking too much and then I think more because I'm not asleep. Bit of a catch 22 I suppose. Today's not going well though. Can't seem to concentrate on work at all because I'm too tired. Still, I'm getting paid for it so I can't complain too much!

My staff appraisal went well. I got a big promotion just over a year ago in to a role which I really knew nothing about. My boss was pleased with my progress in the role and more than happy with my performance. He obviously doesn't know I spend half my working day browsing divorcebusting.com!! Lol.

I've asked my mother to come visit tonight so she can spend some time with Wee Man. She's offered to stay over and I readily accepted. I think I've proved to myself that I can cope on my own so I'm not too concerned about accepting her help on this occasion. The company will be nice too I suppose.

With your Mom visiting, I am sure you will sleep like a baby. Will she be staying over? I always feel good when my family is around. I just feel very taken care of.

Glad your job is going well. Try to keep your eyes open until nightfall.

Finally, I slept well last night!! Not sure if it's cos my mother stayed over or not. Maybe I was just so tired that it eventually caught up with me. Wee Man was up a couple of times through the night but not for very long. I feel a lot better for it today.

So, I dropped Wee Man off with his mother this morning. I wasn't expecting her there to be honest since she normally works on a Thursday. She's apparently taking some holidays though. She was as cold as ever towards me but I'm past caring now. Truth is, she never was a morning person so maybe that's what it is. I feel a bit guilty about it but I took pleasure in the fact that when I asked Wee Man if he wanted to go to his mummy, he started crying a clinging on to me. I know it's hard for him being moved around like this but I take comfort in the fact that he enjoys his time with me.

Last night was priceless with him! I gave him a cookie after his dinner and he was loving it. The dog took an interest in the cookie though and started following him around the room. Every now and again, Wee Man would turn around and chase the dog away. The entire time he was doing this, he was laughing harder than I've heard him laugh in ages. Writing it down doesn't really do the moment justice now that I read back over what I've written. I guess you had to be there.

I agree with what you say about feeling looked after when family is staying over PM. Rightly or wrongly though, I kind of feel a bit like a failure when I ask them to stay. I feel guilty for not managing on my own. I know in my head that's nonsense since I'm quite capable of coping on my own. It's hard to explain. It's like I want to keep proving to myself that I can do this on my own. I guess I'm trying to prove it to other people too. I really don't want people to think that my W leaving me has destroyed me as it does other guys I know. I continue to shower, shave and look my best every day, even on the days I feel like shutting myself away from the world. My shirts for work are always pristenely clean and wrinkle-free. For anyone visiting, my house is always spotless. Add that to my full time job and part-time single parenthood, it's a lot of hard work but worth it I think. I have to project the image of a successful, single man. Is it evil and wrong to hope that my W struggles to cope a wee bit when she moves in to her own place? Not to the detrement of Wee Man but just enough for her to sit up and take notice about how well I can cope alone. To be honest, I don't think she will struggle though. She's a great mother and was always immaculately clean when we lived together. She'll never have to worry about rushing about in the morning to get Wee Man ready and herself ready before heading work. It's only me who has to do that.

Anyhoo, I'm rambling. I've got a few things to do at work today so I'm going to try and keep myself busy. Got Wee Man again at the weekend so I'm not going to be on my own for long.

I had a nice, lazy night last night. I was going to go to the gym but was feeling quite tired after the last few days so made an executive decision to give it a miss for one night. So, I just sat and watched some tv. There were times I felt quite guilty about it but they soon passed.

I sort of came to a realisation last night. I think I've been wearing blinkers over the last few months where my feelings for my W are concerned. In the end, it really wasn't a good marriage. If she came back to me today but was still acting as she was before she left, I don't think I'd take her back in. Some of the things she was doing were unacceptable as far as I'm concerned. This realisation has made it a bit more easy for me to detatch some more. Strangely though, as soon as this happened, not only did it feel like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders; it also for the first time really made me believe that there was a chance I was going to get her back. I don't know how the two are connected but that just seems to be the way my mind is working. It will take a lot of work and comprimise on both sides but it is possible. If I'm honest with myself, no matter how much I tried to DB, I never truly believed that it would work. Now that I can see how wrong my M was in the end, I believe it can work. Does that make sense or have I finally lost my mind?

I finalised the application for my second mortgage yesterday in order to get the money to buy my W out of the house. In a way, I'm looking forward to the challenge of being self-sufficient again and providing as good a life as possible for my Wee Man. It's going to be a challenge to begin with but over time I think I'm going to rise to meet that challenge. When my W decides she wants me back, I'll review my life then and see if I still believe things can work out. Now it's about me and Wee Man. We're going to have an amazing life together. If my W wants to join us, she's going to have to work to convince me that it's for the right reasons. I still love her with all my heart but there's no way on earth that I'm going to go through this again. I will need to believe in my heart that it will last forever this time.