Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Probably should be in Piecing, but Going to Stay

SW,

Didi is right. Retrouvaille would be a wonderful experience for both you and your wife. Forgiving yourself is one of the first topics they deal with, but there is so much more! Check out the website, http://www.helpourmarriage.org, and look for a weekend near you. It is amazing how one weekend can change your life! Puppy Dog Tails is at a Retrouvaille weekend now. He should be posting about his experience soon.

Lost- That's for stopping in on me. I stopped at your sitch as well and left a few comments/thoughts.

Still- I think forgiving yourself for something like an affair is different for different people. I took a long time to forgive myself. Some people act like it never happened right away and that is how they forgive themselves and move on. If it's only been a short while. She will have a ways to go yet. Too many memories will be popping up, and people to face yet.

"Not Just Friends" is a good book for her. It will help her understand. If there is a way she could come to these forums.....these forums helped me sooo much. "The Power of the Praying Husband" would be a good book for you.

I know what you mean about counseling. I, also, had a counselor that just kept talking about my childhood....I did learn some things, but it didn't help me with my marriage or deal with what I was doing/did. I've heard great things about cognitive therapy. Saffie is the one that told me about it. If I were to go again, that's what I'd do.

Ok, so she needs space. Where did she go?

By the way, look up that information that Sara gave about REtrouvaille. That, more than the book, would help you both the most. If anything, get signed up so that you have the date in mind.

Cognitive therapy really was great for me. I recommend it to anyone who feels trapped in a negative thought pattern and who wants to deal with depression and other mood issues without meds.

My W is living in an apartment by herself not too far from me. For all I know she could be continuing the A or moved on to another one. When she emails me, her words show great remorse for what she has done, but it's hard to know for sure since remorse is easy to fake in an email.

So I'm laying low and waiting for her to come to me. The only thing I take comfort in is knowing that she's now talking to her family, which she didn't do before. Hopefully she's really listening to them and being honest, but who knows.

I think I'll leave a copy of Not Just Friends (with a very short note) with her mail so she'll pick it up next time she stops by.

How could she afford this apartment? Are you paying for it?

Family will help her see clearly as long as she is not tainting the picture she gives them of your marriage. It's a good sign she is emailing you and is showing remorse. Without it, there's no chance for repair work. Wait, though....what is she saying she is sorry FOR.....is she sorry for "hurting you", sorry for "having you have to deal with this", etc.? Because that's playing victim more than true remorse.l

No she's paying for her own apartment. We both work so we can afford the two apartments for now.

She says that she feels endless pain for hurting me and that she's filled with regret. Lots of talk about how bad I've been hurt (even though I've handled it way better than she has) and how one day she hopes I can forgive her. Of course I already told her that I could forgive her, but she doesn't believe me.

She says that's she's filled with "self-hatred, guilt, and shame," she called herself "a coward, a fraud, selfish, and a fool," and she said that I was the victim of her acting out due to problems in her life (some having to due with me and our M, and some unrelated) that she was unable to handle.

The last email she sent me said that her goal right now is "to take the steps necessary to heal, try to find a way to forgive myself, find out who I am, and become a better person."

So she kind of goes back and forth from showing remorse and playing the victim. It's just ridiculous to me that one of her "steps necessary to heal" doesn't include trying to work on our M.

So I've left her alone and haven't had contact with her for a week now.

Yes, that is what has me thinking....that her steps don't include you.....

Have you asked her that very question? She can do all the things she wants/needs to do in your house. You ARE still married.....Is there anyway she would consider coming back? Can you get her to understand that her healing doesn't have to be done living like she isn't married? I'm worried she is staying in contact with OM. If she feels she can heal and stay in contact with OM,...it won't happen for a long time, if ever.

What are her feelings on marriage and committment? God?

I agree with all that, but I'm not sure what to do about it. I did ask her once to move back in (this was right when I confronted her about the A) so we could work on healing together, but she balked at it. Said she wasn't ready for that.

The problem for me right now is trying to DB AND address these issues and concerns at the same time. If I'm DBing, I shouldn't bring up these issues at all and should let her come to me. I should let her have her space and continue GAL and PMA on my side. But there is that side of me that just wants to say "How can I not be included at all in your steps to heal from an affair?"

She comes from a conservative Christian background, and in her youth she was VERY involved with the church. Not so much anymore, but she still considers herself a Christian. And right now I have no idea what her feelings on M and commitment are. Before all this I would have said that our M is the most important thing in her life to my W, but clearly it isn't since she had an A and ran away from the M. Right now she's all about "doing what's best for her," and other WAS catchphrases.

So I'm in limbo, like so many others. I've been doing a great job focusing on and improving myself and my life, but I'm not sure how dark I should go with my W.

Ok, I'm glad you tried to get her to stay at the time of the exposure. I wish she would have been able to make a different choice.

Has she stopped seeing OM? Or, maybe I should ask, has she promised you to have no contact with OM since you are still married?

She says that she has stopped all contact with OM, but since we're not living together it's impossible for me to know if that's really true.