Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy not ready to leave or come back.What to do next?

I spend more time with friends, go out, signed up for the gym, finally have time to ski. Just keeping myself busy.
She's noticed it, belive me.
But I'm still at the same point, from where I started with my M...

Commited

Hi committed, I'm Sandi. I have read your stitch and from a woman's POV, I see her depending on the fact that you told her that you would love her no matter what. She sees you as being the old favorite pair of comfortable houseshoes to put on at the end of the day. Make sense? Probably not. I think she left the M b/c she missed having the "passion" that was once there and things got into a rut. She turned to this OM b/c they shared a common problem that they talked to each other about. However, it soon turned sexual and one thing led to another. He was feeding her ego and giving her something that you were no longer providing for her. However, what she did was very wrong. But, she knows that you (by your own nickname) are committed to the M and that is what she is banking on while she has her fun.

Each time you have pulled back, it draws her in closer. That should tell you that it does work! I can tell you as a woman that it does work! We want what we think we can't have. If you have always been good old faithful, committed H, and she does not see you as exciting, interesting or mysterious any longer.....my advice is to get out there and get a life. Stop giving her a play by play of your daily events. Don't you see that is why she is contacting you wanting to know what all you have done? She is still tring to keep you under her thumb while she continues in her A. She wants it both ways. I can almost promise you that if you were not available to her, and you were out there getting a life of your own and acting as if you were moving forward, she would get very nervous and upset over it b/c she would feel threatened. She needs to feel that way! She needs to feel insecure about you hanging around forever waiting for her to make up her mind. She made a chump out of you when she pulled her little stunt about moving back and then backed out.

Going dark does work! Sure you feel scared about the outcome. But, I can tell you that she will not feel attracted to you if she knows you are patiently waiting around for her to return. She doesn't respect a man that would do that. She wants somebody that seems off limits to her. That is part of the attraction for the A. If you go dark on her and make yourself unavailalbe to her phone calls, TM's, emails, etc., you have become unavailalbe. That will certainly get her focus on you and off the OM. In fact, that is all she will be able to think about.....is what you are doing and if you have found another woman. BTW, I am in no way suggesting that you flirt or go looking for another woman. Do not date. You are a M man. I would advise you to stay away from environments that would make temptation with the opposite sex very easy....such as the bar and party scene. That is just my personal opinion. But you can get a life without all of that. The point is not to reveal what you do to her. Don't ever lie to her, but just be vague if she asks questions. You do not have to answer just b/c she asked. If nothing more, just smile. That will drive her insane!

As far as knowing when to stop being dark, she will determine that by her actions. When she comes to you and is remorseful for her A and is ready to move back without any hesitations, then you can come out of the dark. But if there is one ounce of hesitation and her game playing......don't even mess with it. She is not ready.

You have to win her admiration. She will not want you until she admires you and she won't admire you as long as you are willing to take whatever she dishes out. women will do that, you know, but they really admire a man that will stand up to her and let her know that he is not going to be treated like that. I may even be risky enough to say....just leave the word "love" out of it for right now and think about self-respect. That is what she wants to see in you. The idea of "love" and all that is not what really draws her back (as you would think that it should) but it is the attraction and amiration and the lack of availability. You could almost call it the three "A's"
How will you win her admiration and attraction? Don't worry, she will keep tabs on you...one way or the other. Mostly through asking other people about you. Always look great b/c that gets back to her also. If/when you do see her, be charming, but don't act goofy...like you are ready to melt at her feet. Be aloof (hey...another "A" word, there) and be unavailable......you can have that "air" of confidence about you (without acting like an a$$) and she will sense it.

Well, I will check back, but just hope that you have the strength to do this. I think you do, but you are a little afaid of the technique. I hope you will trust those who have been there and trust DB principles. They work!

Take care,
Sandi2

Thanks Sandi,

That's exactly what I need. To see things from woman's POV.
As you can imagine I've already done lots of soul searching and identyfied some of the problems that affected my M but
I'm sure there is much more out there.

Thank you for your words of encouragement.
I also think that have the strength in me.
If or rather when I'll have any doubts or withdrawals I'll read your post over and over again to stay on the track.
Can't forget about Puppy and his advices, I've been re-reading them like a mantra. :-)
It helps.

Next two days I'm off. Tomorrow I'm going skiing, later go to the gym, need to work on my abs:-).
Can't wait for spring - I'd go back to mt biking and hiking. Just love it.

Keep you posted.

Commited

Ps.I've never thought about my nickname that way. But it's so obvious when you think of it... :-)

Puppy, Sandi

I need you guys more than ever.
Situation has changed dramaticaly since yesterday. Last night around midnight I heard a door bell and guess who was there? With her stuff?
W was remorseful and asked me if I still wanted her back?
After slight hesitation I said yes.
Told her that appreciated this step, glad to see her back but it was late and said we should go to sleep and have "a talk" tomorrow. (today).
Since now she's bringing the rest of her stuff back I have a moment to type few words.

Any suggestions regarding this BIG TALK?
I don't have enough time to write down my script but that's pretty much what I want to talk about:
It's obvious that I have to set boundaries; absolutely no contact with OM, change phone number, email and the job. With the last one I can help and looks like she doesn't want to work at her old place anymore.
I have to set a plan to bring our M back on track. Should talk about what happened and how to change and improve our R.

I'm going to tell her that I can forgive and fight for our M only once in my life. If this kind of situation would ever happened again I'd file for D.

I know that this is not the end of it. The hard work just begins and there is a long road ahead of us.

My post is a little chaotic (for which I apologize), just don't have much time for typing right now.


Commited

Yes. Tell her YOU'RE NOT READY TO HAVE IT YET. Tell her you're glad to see her, to get some rest, and just "be" and that you want to talk to her tomorrow sometime.

That:

a) Puts YOU in charge of the agenda; and

b) Gives you time to let us help you with a Plan.

I'm glad she's back. You're definitely on the right track with your list of boundaries.

Puppy

P.S.

DO let you know you HAVE a plan. Just tell her you're not yet ready to DISCUSS it.

If she is sincere, she will want to know that you have a Plan, and that YOU seem confident in it, and that you can lead her in it. (not CONTROL, but LEAD).

This is important: DO NOT go "melty man" on her in the next 24 hours, no matter how much you'll want to. No "needy/grabby," no pursuing, no following her around the house like a puppy dog, asking her constantly "are you okay??"

Be KIND, but not overly affectionate. Hugs, not kisses, and not too lingering and be the one to break them.

She's done this to you (left you and then came back) repeatedly before; it's imperative that she see and feel "SOMETHING IS DIFFERENT WITH COMMITTED THIS TIME". "He's not falling for my bullsheet this time, hmmmm...."

Strong . . . loving . . . leading. Pick a favorite movie star or TV character who personifies this for you, and get that image of him in your head.

Update us when you can. I'll be out of pocket this evening from about 5 - 9PM Eastern, but will try to check in on you otherwise.

Puppy

My first thoughts are that the OM did something that caused the sudden move in the middle of the night. So, she goes back into what she thinks will be your loving arms to spite the OM. I would not be too quick nor act eager to have any talk with her for a few days. Tell her that you have to think about all of this since there was no warning and she just showed up on at your front door. Don't get sarcastic, but don't be all cotton candy either.

First of all, I would know exactly what you can live with and what you will not tollerate. What you will not tollerate is what needs to be laid out in terms she can understand completely. She doesn't have to be told what you can live with, but if she has questions, I suppose you can answer, but don't feel that you have to give an answer if you aren't sure. You can always say that you will have to think futher on it or you are not prepared to answer at this time.

There was so much more that I wanted to be able to tell you and maybe we will get around to that yet, but right now, just take it slowly b/c I frankly do not trust her as far as I could throw her. I don't mean to hurt you more than you've been hurt, but I just have a feeling that something is fishy about all of this. She may push for a "full" reconciliation and want to "prove" her love by having sex with you right off the bat, and if she does, it will take will power (maybe) but I would strongly suggest that you do not give in to that! For several reasons, but mainly b/c I don't think it is healthy to jump from one person's bed and go straight to another person's bed. How do you account for true feelings there? Plus, how do you know that she has not picked up some STD? Also, if she is "pushing" this like she wants to seal the deal with a "kiss" (so to speak) then I would be suspicious even more so. She would be acting too desparate and that is a red flag right there. She has made you wait and sweat it out all this time......now let her wait and sweat for a while. Tell her she can stay there but that you won't sleep with her until you have come to some decisions about some things. After all, she was the one who backed out at the last minute the last time she almost moved back. If she starts popping the questions, and she will, just tell her there will be no talking tonight, just give her a place to sleep (like the couch). That should put her humbly in her place! Don't fall for any of her drama or pity stories. Tell her you need to sleep on the idea that she is there. She may be gone by morning, who knows! She is too wishy-washy to trust her to stay. So, I would certainly give it a while before I got too attached again. If you know what I mean. I think she needs to do some proving to you and she should do "work" to win you back. But that is my opinion. I am a tough one.....lol.

I know you don't have much time and may not even get to read this tonight. But, maybe you'll get a sneak-peak. [b]Be sure to erase all your history on the computer of the DB posts.[/b]

Take care,
Sandi

Committed,

There is much wisdom in Sandi's words. Please read -- and RE-read -- them, and heed what she's saying.

We're here tonite if you need to run something by us.

Puppy

I've got the moment now (she's in the bedroom unpacking)...

Sandi,
We didn't have sex, didn't kiss, she didn't even try.
We did sleep in the same bed though (I messed up?) but without any hagging or cuddling.

About her late nite arrival. Don't know what to think. She likes romance novels, movies and been little bit of the drama queen lately, so maybe that's why?
It was snowing outside, she had this puppy's eyes when I opened the door. I'm so proud of myself b'c I didn't melt.

In the morning I made breakfest, she brewed some coffee, then took my car to pick up the rest of her stuff.
While she was gone I wrote a few words to you guys and then deliberately went for a bike ride.
Didn't want to wait for her at home like a puppy.
As soon as she was home called me on my cell, asking where I was:-).

We spent the rest of the day shopping.

Just a moment ago I told her that I'm not ready to have this "big talk" yet, I need a day more or so to put my thoughts together. Said that I have a plan but I'm not ready to reveal it yet (thanks Puppy).

The first day went without any drama (so far), she called her parents, told them she's back.

Just don't know if I should bring the cell phone and email subject right off the bat, or just wait for "the talk".
I'm tempted to install the spyware on my computer, so I could track her activity. One half of me wants to do it but the other one despise this idea... Don't know.

As far as erasing my own activitiy on DB forum I got it covered.
I've removed it from the browsing history, temp files, cookies and such.

Gotta go, I'll keep in touch

Thanks again for being around.

Commited.

Committed,

I think you should install the keylogger on the computer and TELL her you're doing it. Make it part of an overall transparency plan that you tell her you need in order for YOU to feel safe with her back in the relationship.

Ask her to do the other things, too -- change her cellphone #, send OM a no-contact letter, etc. -- and if she balks, you'll have your answer.

You hold all the cards here. Now's the time to play them.

Good job on the no-melty-man!

Puppy