Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers \My wife is going to leave me in 5 days--help!

Melissa,

ARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!! I wish I wasn't such an idiot. I get everything and I mean everything way too late including this. I really honestly think she was just fed up with not getting the love and attention over the years. I feel so guilty. She told me that she felt guilty the whole time while she was on the cruise with my family while I was in Iraq. I have made it so she can't enjoy her life--I know, I know you can only make yourself happy. Well, we went out for dinner tonight. Pretty uneventful, she seemed so cross but so nice to me. Made me want to scream. Asked me if I had new clothes on. I had to buy some as I lost about 25 pounds in the desert. I said yep, I got them on sale today. She said to spend your money on what you want to, I don't care anymore--ouch! She told me she went out shopping for a bed today. My daughter came and told me that the reason she doesn't like to talk about what's going on is she doesn't like it--duh! I asked her if she was ok and and asked her if she wanted Mommy to move out--she didn't say no! WTF??? I asked her why--she said she wasn't here that much anyway. My wife told me tonight that she had been to the resturaunt we ate at while I was gone. I said who with? She said by herself? I said how often did you go out to eat by yourself? She said she spent as much time away from home as possible--didn't want to deal w/ all the stuff piling up at home. It has been hell getting my daughter to even clean up her room but I will put her in check tomorrow. Maybe she does need her space... She said in the car on the way home that I needed to remember all the nice things I was doing lately for the next special person that came along. I told her I wasn't interested in anyone else. She said not yet but you will be eventually. Whatever!!!!! I wish I could read womens mind like Mel Gibson in What Women Want. Would be useful in this situation. Well accomplishments tonight include:
Dressing up nice, shaved and wore cologne(I never did that before)
rubbed her back at dinner when she was cold
looked at her in the eye when she spoke to me
didn't actively pursue, beg, plead, whine, etc.

I keep trying to be optimistic--even laughed a few times tonight. I know this is gonna take a lot of work. And I still don't get it!

Bub,

You are no more of idiot than me. I "get it" all finally now, too, and it's prolly just too late for me. I hope it's not for you. I don't think it is.

You are doing everything you can NOW. That is all you can do. We can't change the past no matter how much we want to.

H wanting the D drives me insane. Him staying on the fence makes me crazy. I don't wish this on anyone, not even my worst enemy.

It sounds like tonight went okay for you though. More good than bad. Baby steps.

Melissa

well, I finally got a full night sleep without her here. She is supposed to come over to go through her stuff today and seperate it. She seems so depressed.

I had a talk with my daughter. Told her she was not gonna disobey me like she did her mom. She is gonna clean her room today as she cant even see the floor.

I honestly am just feeling blah right now. I have been working every single day for the last 7 months and with all this happening, I just don't know what to do with myself. I had intended to come back and do some things with my wife. I wonder how long I'll not be interested in anything at all till I get back in the swing of things again. What's the typical shock/mourning time?

The really only good thing that's come out of this is that I haven't done the typical return from deployment gourge and drink myself to death. I hear my stomach growling a lot but I'm strangely not hungry for the most part--really weird.

I'll keep listening for positive/hopeful comments like the wife gave last night about when she saw the bathroom and started crying that I probably wouldn't want her back when she was ready to come home. Little comments like that give me hope but I am trying not to be overly optimistic.

When she says things like that, I'd suggest responding with something like "I'd LOVE to have you back. But only when you're fully committed to working on our marriage, just the two of us, without a third person involved."

Truth dart.

Puppy

Or give her a path of least resistance. Let her know that if something had happened with someone else while you were away, you would be able to forgive her for it, if only she would be truthful about what happened.

Yeah, I told her I wanted to work on the marraige and I'd be glad to have her back. I also told her that whatever happened I would forgive her. The problem is, she says nothing happened--come on, something had to have happened. A revelation, an affair, something! She came over today to take back a comforter that she never opened and told me she ordered furniture for her new place--showed me even--bedroom set, dining room set, and beds for her and my daughter when she visits. Screwed up and said wow, you must really hate me. She said she doesn't. Still hard to believe this is happening. Took my daughter out and about today window shopping and to the book store. Ordered hold on to your nuts and my daughter looked at all the Twilight stuff. She likes boys that sparkle-LOL. WTF happened when I was away? My wife is supposed to be back soon. I'm having trouble relaxing in my own house when she is here cause it's so awkward. This is gonna take a lot of getting used to.

Hang in there. You have gotten wonderful advise from everyone esp. Mel. She has been through hell and back and back again. Another thing that you could say to W is that you are very worried about her and that you are there now and you will listen and not try to fix. That you aren't going anywhere and you love her in good times and bad.

Wow would I love a M like that!!

Ok, she stayed the night on the couch. She is being too nice. She was out shopping while my daughter and I ate dinner. She called to ask if we wanted anything from dairy queen. I said no and she said are you sure? She brought me home a blizzard. She talked about me dating again this morning. I'm like why are you so for me dating. Is it that you want to date. She said no, she's not interested in that at all. Matter of fact, she's not even interested in sex at all. Something to do w/ her depression? Told me I was a catch and started giving me hints about how to act on a date, etc. I was like, I'm not interested in dating. I'm interested in you. She said give it time. She said she would still be in my life just not the way I wanted--great! She said is she would have gone on the deployment this probably would not have happened. I said what happened? She said it's just the experiences she's had since I've been gone. She said she's really just enjoyed not having to answer to anyone. She gave me the example of last night how she was gone for 3 hours shopping. She said you would have called 20 times before. I said I didn't call you once, I understand you need space and I'm giving it to you. She asked if we were going to pick up a washer and dryer that she ordered today. Get this, she ordered it, is paying for it but gonna leave it with me? Way too nice. Could she be telling the truth? That she just wants to be by herself? Or am I being played for a fool. I know it may take some time but I hope she wakes up one morning and realizes that she is making a big mistake. I really hope that she's not hiding something from me. I mean, these faults and problems that we have together could certainly be worked on. What possesses someone to just throw it all away to be alone?
I'm going to take my daughter to see a movie today. I really wanted to come home and have a relaxing time with my wife though. It appears that things will never be the same...

The next time she brings it up, say "I'm not interested in dating anyone else while I'm still married to you, and I don't believe in open marriages -- PERIOD. Now, please don't bring it up again."

Nip that.

I believe she is either currently, or was while you were gone, dating other man/men. It would be very much "script" for her to suggest you do the same, to relieve her guilt and to create a once-again-level moral playing field.

Puppy

You sound a little doormat like to me. Why is she under the impression that she's going to be in your life at all? Think into the future...do you really think that you want her hanging out? If you actually get divorced and find someone else, what is the new girl gonna think? Personally, I'd point out that you aren't sure yet that she really will be in your life.

Also, who is paying for all this stuff for her apartment? I hope it is her.

As for all this dating discussion...I would quit throwing her bones by saying, "I just want to be with you." Do you know how weak that sounds to her? I'd say, "No, I think what I'm going to do is start working on some things in my own life first. When I feel all set by myself, maybe then I'll be ready to date." And I'm not just saying that you should say that, but you should start living it. If she's out of the house already, I'd limit this get together to talk about dating stuff. Your social life shouldn't be her concern, and it's okay to tell her that you don't intend to discuss that stuff with her. What makes her think that she has a stake in your life anymore?