Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers \My wife is going to leave me in 5 days--help!

John!!

I see good things and I see bad things. I do think there is someone else (because she is trying to push you into dating to make herself feel better, in my mind). But if she really felt secure in the other relationship, she would NOT tell you absolutely, that she is willing to wait 2-3 months to file. That is definitely a positive. If she did feel secure, she would be tellling you uh-uh she is filing for divorce tomorrow. Not sure. Will be interested to see Puppy's take on it. That bit surprised me, but maybe it shouldn't have, because I wasn't in a big hurry to file for divorce either. I was convinced I wouldn't change my mind, but I wasn't filing tomorrow either!! Dumb me!

Have you been in the AF all 15 years? I have some AF q's for you, if you don't mind answering them. Mostly about no contact orders.

I am going to hold out hope for you. Since she left D13 with you, I think she is going to realize what she gave up. It is happening a little bit with her being bored without you and the family. I am glad you didn't respond to her. Let her sit and stew in it! It was her choice! To make her feel worse (devil grin, here) take your D13 out bowling or something. Or out to eat. Or whatever so long as ya'll go do something together and don't invite your W. I'm gonna bet half the time she calls in the middle of what you are doing anyway. Never answer the phone when she calls! Wait until you get home and then go on about how much fun ya'll had. I think she will start to feel left out!

Melissa

I think that's a great idea, Melissa.

Hehe...indeed, that's perfect.

Melissa,
I appreciate the advice. Yeah, I still suspect that too but part of me doesn't want to believe it. I don't think she would tell me anyway due to the fact that I could get her in trouble at work. There's nothing I can do about if she is and will probably never know unless she slips. I don't intend to pursue her though and try to find out if there is another man. I hope not. I don't intend to date until I'm divorced and then it may be a while after that as my confidence is pretty shot right now. She did say last night after I asked her to wait 2-3 months that it wouldn't be the same if we got back together. I said I knew it would be different and was here when and if she was ready to talk about it. Doesn't look too promosing for the home team. All indications point toward her just wanting to be alone and everyone I've talked with to include her mother say they don't understand it.

I will take my daughter out to eat this weekend of course and maybe a movie, we'll see.

What questions do you have regarding the AF?

John

Oh yeah, she keeps saying she knows this isn't right and she feels like the villain in this whole thing. But she is pressing forward regardless? I told initially she wasn't a villain and I guess she felt that she had to do this for a reason but I am done validating that feeling. If she wants to feel like a villain, then maybe she should. I still can't believe this is happening. Oh yeah, Melissa, I have been in the AF 21 years.

What I meant was, when your wife hears about you and D out having fun, she is doing to feel left out.

OK. I will let OM stuff go. I know it gets hard when many people say the spouse is having an A. Especially if you feel certain. That is me to an extent, too.

Okay. No contact orders. Quick recap. You know most of my stitch, I think. H has OW living with him who he claims is NOT PA, although it is EA, he doesn't recognize EA as an A. He is TSGT. She is SSGT. This arrangement was only supposed to be for 2 weeks before she went to Iraq (she moved in with him Halloween). Her orders got cancelled for medical and she is still living there as of now, cause she put in to cross train and she didn't like what they gave her so she is getting forced out (yes, I think it's funny). so she is not staying there to July. H says his chain of command, including 1st shirt has no problem with this (I don't think they know he took her home for Christmas and they slept in the same bed but her under the sheets and him in a sleeping bag on the bed or something. )
I don't want him to lose his career but want her out of the house. It's selfish (for me) so I am not sure I am going to do this. she is paying no rent. thought about anonymous call to housing to report that she is living there. thought about anonymous call to IG to report same. thought about trying to contact the shirt (who doesn't like me because of the whole stitch) and let her know i was going to report HER to IG if she didn't fix the stitch. And then, really, would they enforce a no-contact order on something like this? 25mlc seems to think so and she is a L, but not mine, but other forums have said no, they will not enforce it because of my actions.

Opinions/rules/suggestions? Thank you.

And of course your marriage will be different? Did either of you really want the same old marriage anyway? The point is that she wants a marriage where she will do less and you will do more. You want a marriage where you are both "right" with each other. (It's what I want for myself, too.) In the end, everyone has to be willing to re-up with better intentions and goals than they had the first time. (Just me). You did good being patient, just saying you were there if she wanted to talk about it.) Really. I wish I had your resolve.

Good luck and I will be thinking about you.

Melissa

Melissa,
There has to be a reason for the no contact order. Do you see a reason? As far as adultry is concerned, you have already admitted to him that you have had an affair. Does that mean that it is right for him to shack up? Certainly not, but it is difficult to prove unless he admits it or you have proof--i.e.--a videotape. Unfortunately with the privatization of base housing(I'm assuming this is the case), certain rules that applied in the past cannot necessarily be applied here. Meaning he is technically paying rent(BAH)and can have a guest in the house if he chooses too. Now if the housing is not privatized yet then yes you could call the housing office as there are certain rules that apply to include the number of days a member can remain in housing if the family does not live there anymore. Of course, his unit could put in a waiver too. So, there are many variables it sounds like. I understand your frustrations though.

It says that you are separated. Are you still living in the same house? Additionally, since he is the military member and you have admitted an affair to him and you said other things have happened that have not put you in a positive light w/ his unit then they will probably remain loyal to him as long as he is not breaking any laws. As long as you are still married though, by law he has to provide for you and your children.

H says his chain of command, including 1st shirt has no problem with this???--So are you telling me that with everything that has happened you are taking his word on this? I personally don't know any command that would sign off on that or endorse such action. Sounds like he's feeding you a line of bull. I would call the housing office first--if it is privatized then he can have anybody he wants stay there as it is just like renting downtown. If it is not, you could then inform them that he is living there w/o his family and ask how long is allowed to stay there. Only then would I call his command but I would do so carefully and businesslike as you yourself have already mentioned indecressions on your part. As far as the IG is concerned, I don't think they will help when it comes to these type of situations.
Probably not what you wanted to hear--sorry.

As far as I am concerned, I know I have a lot to change about myself. I didn't really realize till yesterday that I have never been happy being just me. I have never really felt important about anything. I am very lonely right now and while I wish my wife would come home, I cannot force her to. I spent most of the afternoon yesterday just walking around my house shaking my head and reflecting on all we built together and how much it hurts. I don't know why God is putting me through this but I can only hope that it is for the better. Some positives that have come out so far:

I am closer to my SS more than ever
I have realized that I have not put the effort into important things in my life--mainly my marraige and family
I have no self-worth and need to get some really quick or this is going to be a really long recovery time for me

I just wish I could have done these things sooner. I told my wife last night that regardless of what the outcome is I will always love her and she said she will always love me too. After 7 months away from home this is not what I expected. My heart is broken and I am at loss right now...

ok, not too bad of a day, I only cried once so far. The wife only called once and asked how I was doing. I said good. She said that's great like she wants me to get on with life in a week or something. I really don't understand how she could leave her daughter behind like this. I talked to my only friend today and told him what was going on. He couldn't believe it of course. Told me that she would regret it sooner or later especially when it came to my daughter. I'm not going to tell her that as we don't have a divorce yet and I don't want her to think this and change her mind about taking my daughter.

How do you make someone care??? I think she cares but WTF is going through her head really??? This is really confusing to me. I really hope she realizes what she is doing before it's too late. I thought today about all the stuff that used to be important to me and realized that just isn't the case anymore. I think I will wait one year to see what happens and then I'm selling my house. I don't want to take care of it by myself. I don't wanna mow ever again if I can help it, take care of a pool, etc. Maybe a condo for me and my daughter? If I stay here then on the beach? With the market being what it is I could probably get a deal. We'll see. Trying hard not to think of the wife but it is very difficult especially because she is being so damn cheerful and matter of fact about it--I miss her really bad.
Got a book from my Mom today called Love must be tough by James Dobson. Lots of the same principles as the DB book--interesting. We'll I'll close for tonight. I'm sure glad my daughter is here--would be really scary if I didn't have anyone to talk to.

John, you know you can't make her care. ((((hugs))))

I truly do believe she will regret it sooner or later. Have you checked out anyone else's threads? You might check over in Mid Life Crisis. Most everyone posts here, but after awhile, this one gets to be too much. Just too much going on, I think. Just a lot of people and it is hard when you are trying to find your bearings.

On the beach...

Anywhere near Point Clear, Alabama or Gulf Shores? I go down there once a year for a conference in January and I am almost willing to sell my soul to move to Point Clear. Almost.

What is going through her head? What was going through my head? Yes, there was OM, but mostly I just wanted to be alone. H was gone those six months while I took care of everything and he was over there. Working, yes. Getting shot at, yes. But also cooking for his buddies and sitting around bsing. I was envious of his adult conversations and friends he was with! I was stuck home with the kids except while I was at work. He got his buds around him 24/7. And I know it's work, but he loves his job, so it's almost not really work. And the cooking/BBQing thing was...his own deal that he did because he loved. So that is part of it. If you were having fun, or even seemed like it, and she was stuck, she is resentful. You got a mini-vacation from daily life stresses that most of will never get/experience. So even though you were in a combat zone, it still feels like you got a break from normal life and we didn't. We had to double up. There should be mandatory recognition, LOL!! Flowers on our desk every Monday and a letter in the mail telling us how much you love us and miss us and appreciate everything we are sacrificing every Friday! And not by email and not by phone! Spoken words are forgotten. Written words in your own hand always mean the most! Ah, if only women could rewrite the rules of tdy's and the world for that matter!

The market is pretty good right now. I've seen others talk about that book on here. Do you like it?

She will regret the chasm she is creating between her and your daughter. I guarantee it. She's too clouded right now to see it. It really is like being stuck in a fog, for the WAS. You can't see what everyone else needs because your own needs are consuming you. I felt like I had put my whole life aside so that I could do for everyone else. And no matter how much everyone else tried to give back to me, it was never enough because I was giving myself away so fast. My time, my energy, my emotions. I even rationalized that I was taking care of myself by taking care of them! That's not right. My A was the only place where I indulged myself. And he wasn't even that great. I don't mean the sex. The sex was par at best. I realize that everything I was doing with him (taking walks, spending time together) were things I wanted to be doing with my H!!! I wanted my H to want to do those things with me like OM did!

I know you miss her. We all miss our spouses. I think part of it is letdown too, because you were probably expecting a good homecoming and it turned to a pos. Do you have the standard two weeks off? At least it's only one more week before going back to work, then. Just know that we are all thinking about you.

Melissa

I know I can't make her care but it would be cool if I could. I hope she regrets it sooner. Yeah, i've checked out some of the other threads, trying to find one that's close to mine.
I'm in Panama City Beach. If only I had done those things before. Lots of regrets... I get 18 days off and have arranged to take a whole month off. I'm an emotional person and I'm going to need some time. I have 75 days of leave saved up.

It just feels like I'm missing something--I just wish she would hate me, cause it seems like she wants me to be happy but doesn't care that she's making me unhappy??? Does that make sense? But really, I didn't do anything wrong, but I didn't do enough stuff right. Its very confusing and very depressing. Yeah, I was expecting a way different homecoming...

BTW, the book's ok--probably stuff I could apply in my next relationship--real similar to DB in a lot of ways.