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Sandi,

You betcha.

Hugs,

Puppy

And thank you, Sandi. Your honest and thoughtful posts always make me think more about what my W is going through. It's very hard to put yourself in another person's shoes, and that's one thing that's so great about this board. We're all putting our shoes out there for everyone to see, because most of all we want to understand and to be understood.

Here's a quick update on my sitch.

My W's sister's confronted her about the A, and of course my W was upset. She emailed me a few days after and said that she wanted to tell her sisters "on her own time and in her own way." I think that translates to "I never wanted to tell them, and if I did I certainly didn't want to tell them the whole truth like you did!"

Then she said that now we may have both done irreparable damage to our M, as if exposing an A is as bad as having one! But then she said she could forgive me because she knew that I only did what I did because I was lashing out because I was so deeply hurt by her. In a brief reply email I told her that while I was indeed hurt by her A and while I understood why she would think that I was lashing out because of it, I did what I did not out of anger or vengeance, but that I told her family because I was worried about her and I wanted someone that loves her (her family) to be there for her while she goes through this painful time.

In her email she again swore that the A was over and that she wanted to rebuild my trust in her and become a better person, but at the same time she still needs space and doesn't know if she has the strength to work on the M, and she's still considering divorce.

So I think I'm going to keep doing what I've been doing. I won't pursue her and I'll stay dark. No emails, calls, or asking her to get together. Maybe the A is over and maybe it isn't. But my W's refusal to work on the M and continued request for space means that there really isn't anything I can do right now other than continue to focus on GAL and PMA.

By jove, I think you're getting the hang of this stuff, SA. "BINGO" and "yep!"

Your response was perfect (honesty is always the easiest to deliver, isn't it?), and I think your plan is a good one. You can also use "Everything I've done, you may may not have agreed with, but I did it to fight for our marriage."

Puppy

It means that if she is pushed into admitting the A, then she wants to tell her sisters in a way that will make her seem like she was so unloved and unfulfilled and that you were such a monster that what she did won't look so bad after all. So, you are correct in that she does not want it told like you did b/c that was too much! (lol) It will be hard for her to play the victim now.

Sandi