I see you that you have a three month old son. There could possibly be some post partum depression issues going on - I don't know if either of you have brought that up.
Listen to Puppy and get the book "Not Just Friends" as soon as you can. It will shed light on the situation. In the book it makes the point that once the "friendship" is something that has to be hidden from the spouse, its no longer only a friendship. If they are revealing intimate details about the M, turning towards their "friend" for the emotional support and advice once given by the spouse, it is no longer only a "friendship." If the primary partner has been replaced emotionally by the "friend", it is no longer only a "friendship." It is an EA that in all likelyhood could easily become a PA. Not trying to sound mean or harsh, but if its only a PA...then its usually just about sex. An EA is even worse because they start out as "friends" and the relationship progresses from there and its more about feelings and emotions than sex, which make it far more complicated and harder to navigate.
FWIW: I'm with Puppy. Expose and take away the "mystery" and the "fantasy" of keeping it a big secret. Also, get the book. It is a wealth of information.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
I agree that it may turn into a sexual thing. And, I agree that you should confront her before it goes any farther. However, what she is going to hit you with is your snooping and the fact that nothing has been sexual and that they are just friends and she had to have somebody to talk to. So, what arugment will you have then? True that she should not have a friendship that does not include you if it is with the opposite sex, but you snooped into her private business. How will you defend that? Just wondering. We haven't heard back from you in a few days, so how are things going by now? Did you confront her?
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I agree that it may turn into a sexual thing. And, I agree that you should confront her before it goes any farther. However, what she is going to hit you with is your snooping and the fact that nothing has been sexual and that they are just friends and she had to have somebody to talk to. So, what arugment will you have then?
That's his call, of course, but I would simply say "You and I both know that's simply not true. Please stop lying; it's incredibly disrespectful."
There shouldn't BE any "argument." He should simply let her know what his boundaries are, and that he's willing to do whatever he needs to do in order to protect himself.
I would also say that in addition to the DB book, the Not Just Friends book is a wealth of information and support. Both books have helped me to survive the past year.
In most instances, the way that your wife is behaving would seem to indicate that there has probably already been a physical relationship. Not something that you want to think about... but guilt can be a very powerful but also predictable emotion.
If you have the time, in addition to reading the just friends book, please read the sitch of some of those who have been posting to you. There is hope. You are among experienced friends.
I vote for confrontation. It won't be easy, but it's what I would/did do.
Last edited by 1hope; 01/26/0909:06 PM.
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.
There shouldn't BE any "argument." He should simply let her know what his boundaries are, and that he's willing to do whatever he needs to do in order to protect himself.
You got it right Puppy, there "shouln't be" but she will put up one heck of an argument to make him look like the bad guy, and that was what I wanted him to think about. To the WAW, he has been the one who has wronged her by snooping into her private....excuse the word....affairs. She will act outraged by the whole ordeal, so be prepared. Have your case ready, so to speak. Don't "aruge" and do protect yourself. Just be prepared for her re-action to what you have done to try to shift the guilt.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well, just like you all said, she denied, denied, denied. Then she denied some more. She wouldn't even acknowledge that there's such a thing as an emotional affair and she kept saying that they're "just friends."
I did read that book "Not Just Friends" before confronting my wife, and I did try to use what I learned to explain how her relationship with this guy was an emotional affair that would seriously damage any chance we had at reconciliation. But nothing I said made a dent. I stayed very calm the whole time and didn't get into an argument. I just told her how I felt and what my boundaries were. But she's in total denial and refuses to limit her relationship with this guy. She even gave him a job at the place where she works, so now they'll see each other every day.
I never knew just how powerful denial is until now. Guilt + Denial = Pod Person. It's like trying to talk to someone through a concrete wall! Part of me thinks that she's in such denial that she's even convinced herself that she doesn't have feelings for this guy and that all of this is my fault.
So I've decided to file for legal separation and I'm cutting off all contact with her. Detaching completely. I'd like to say that I can wait patiently for her EA to run its course, but I don't think I have it in me. I'm not her safety net and I'm nobody's Plan B.
Me: 33 WAW/MLC: 33 M: 4+, T: 10+ Separated: Nov 08 A#1: Oct 08 - Jan 09 (exposed and ended) A#2: Feb 09 - ? 1: http://tinyurl.com/mrmistakes 2: http://tinyurl.com/ckch9t 3: http://tinyurl.com/stillwaters3
