Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Exposing at EA

That's a great plan, IF she is going to use the time and "space" to be truly introspective and figure out what she wants. Unfortunately, 90% of the time it's just a euphemism for "time and space in which to conduct/try to re-ignite my affair, unencumbered."

But, as you said, you really can't control her, and this is her journey to make.

Puppy

Looks like we cross-posted, Melissa.

So, Still Waters, here you have a former betrayed spouse and a formerly wayward spouse, both thinking the same thing. What are the chances that BOTH of our instincts are wrong here?

Please think about it, and -- if so inclined -- PRAY about it.

Puppy

Mellenmack, I've only truly known about the A for a few days. I didn't have conclusive proof of it until I saw her phone records, which happened late last week. I had my suspicions, but nothing truly concrete. I've also been caught up in snooping and trying to gather info for the past month. And I admit that I was so caught up in trying to expose her A, putting the puzzle together, that I never stepped back and thought about what it all meant. Once she admitted to the A, and the puzzle was complete, I stepped back and looked at it and the full weight of the betrayal came down on me.

But yes, my gut does tell me that I want to save this marriage. But like you and Puppy said, I still can't trust her. Her words yesterday were good to hear, but they are just words. So really, nothing has changed. She's the one who wanted this space and period of no contact, and I gave it to her because I'm trying not to be controlling and because I didn't want to talk to her if she was still having an affair. Will she use the time to continue her affair? Probably. But what am I supposed to do? I'm not even sure how I should respond to her email yesterday. Part of me thinks that I shouldn't even write her back.

My instinct has been, from back when the bomb was dropped, to save this marriage. Yes, now that the affair is out there that instinct has been shaken. How couldn't it be? I'm not saying that it has been shattered, but I'm human. Betrayal hurts. Her instinct has been to end the marriage with endless waffling thrown in for good measure. So really, who knows what her instincts are. She's been all over the map these past 4 months and she's an emotional mess.

What I plan to do is go on with my life. I can't control her and I can't force her to work on the marriage. All I can do right now is focus on myself. She needs to come to me at this point. And no, I'm not going to give her all the time in the world to do that. There will come a point when I have moved on completely and won't want her back. That time has not come yet, but I've said that I'm strong enough to move forward with or without her, and I meant it.

And if I do decide to move on, I don't see the work I've done or my time here as a waste. I fought hard for my marriage, and I am still fighting. I'm doing that because I believe it's the right thing to do, and ultimately I will have to look myself in the mirror and be proud of how I handled this. But I'm not going to keep fighting forever if she won't fight with me.

OK so I'm working on a response to my W's email. Here's what I have so far:

Dear W,

Thank you for your email. I appreciate your honesty, and I know that it wasn't easy for you to tell me these things. I understand why you feel the way you do, and I thank you for trusting me enough to share these painful feelings with me.

While it is difficult for me to trust what you're saying right now, I believe that in time, and through your actions, that trust can be rebuilt.

Take good care of yourself.

-Me

Here's another crack at a follow-up to my W. No response at all from me may have a stronger impact, but if she is being honest with me then I want to let her know I hear her. But since she could also be lying I don't want to go too far with what I say.


Dear W,

It makes me sad to hear that you are feeling such self-hatred for the affair, but I understand why you would feel that way. I know that it wasn't easy for you to tell me these things, and I thank you for trusting me enough to share these painful feelings with me. I hope that you will be able to share these same feelings with the other people in your life who support you.

And while it is difficult for me to completely trust what you're saying right now, I believe that in time, and through your actions, that trust can be rebuilt.

-Me

I think this second one is a good start, SW.

How about adding "Are you willing to have no contact with OM and be transparent with me and come back and work on our marriage?"

Life's too short -- call the question. If she balks, you'll have your answer for now, and you can drop the rope and begin moving on (not giving up, but moving on).

Puppy

I emailed my W last night, using the message I posted above along with Puppy's suggestion to come out and ask her if she's willing to work on the marriage. No response yet, but I know what it's going to be: "I need space, time to heal, to forgive myself, to get some clarity, blah, blah, blah." So, if that indeed is her response, is it safe to assume that the affair is still going on? Yep.

Either way, anything short of her committing to work on this and I'm dropping the rope. I already exposed the A to my W's sisters, who were shocked, outraged, and deeply hurt (my W had been lying to them too for months) but who knows if they'll do anything about it. I may do one last tug on the old rope and expose the A to my W's dad, but that will be it. After that there's nothing else I can do but go on with my life as if my W had moved to Mars. Or is it Venus? I can never remember. It's more like she moved to Crazytown anyway.

Yep, indeed, and you should tell her that as well:

"I understand; thank you for your clarity. I have no other reasonable choice other than to assume that your reluctance means you are still having an affair. I will protect myself, and make my decisions accordingly."

Puppy

So my W's family finally confronted her today about the A. They did this after one of my W's sister's called me to talk about it and I suggested that I should tell my W's dad. I hadn't told him yet.

Well the sister suddenly flipped about that. She said that they would never forgive me if I told my W's dad about her affair. She said I would burn a bridge. I told her I didn't understand how me telling a man the truth about what his daughter had been up to would be burning a bridge. She said he wouldn't be able to handle it and that I should let my W tell him. My W has been having an affair for 4 months and she never told a soul. What makes them think she'll start being honest now?

So the sister decided to then call my W and expose the affair and get it out there and give her a chance to tell their dad. I don't know how my W reacted, but I imagine she's devastated. She built up this wall of denial in her head about the A, and now it's out there. Really out there.

So I'm worried. Worried that this exposure will send my W into a total breakdown. Could I have handled it better? I guess I could have done nothing and not exposed to her family. But I'm worried about my W. The last two times I saw her she was an emotional wreck, badly in need of a therapist and probably meds. And since I couldn't make her get the help she needs, I hoped her family could.

I don't know. Her sister said she felt like I was manipulating her, and said that all I wanted was for my W to get the help she needs. Did I try to convince her family to be the ones who stepped in? Yes. But what else could I do? Watch my W slowly self-destruct?

My W's sister made me feel like I was trying to hurt my W. Trying to get revenge by exposing and not letting my W come clean on her own. I just don't see how that would have happened.

And here's a question. If my W comes to me mad as hell about exposing to her family (which is likely), how should I respond? Anyone have experience with this?

I guess I should just validate her feelings, let her know I understand why she feels that way, and tell I did it because I was worried about her and that I hoped her family would be able to support her through these painful feelings she's experiencing. Especially since we are separated and I can't be there for her the way I'd like to be there.