Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy A new phase..Future uncertain-imagine that!

Mel,

It's hard isn't it? The days of little contact and then suddenly a small step forward that makes you soar!.. The you have to remind yourself that although progress it may mean nothing.

DBing and detachment is definatley the toughest thing I have ever done. The only things that keep me going are God, the love I have for my S, and the success stories and support of those who have traveled this path and come through to save their marriage and have it be better than before.

I realized that through this process if I can do what I can to rebuild this marriage, it's actually a gift I giving myself. Growth, the ability to perservere through maybe one of the most difficult situations you can be faced with in a life lived.

This helps get up everyday and lovingly detach and work on myself (as hard as it is some days), and push on looking for small baby steps in healing.

Hang in there. We all have to keep each other positive!

Jeff

So she's back,

After being stuck about 3.5 hours north due to her friend's car issues she made it back.

She spent some times with the kid's and took one of my Ambiens and basically knocked her out within 30 minutes.

I had made dinner ( a complete 180 for me) in the crock pot. She said to me before falling asleep: "you've never done that before...smiling". I just shrugged and downplayed it.

She was up early this AM and we chatted a little. Told her I was moving out on Sat and it was all taken care of. We are talking to the kids soon so they are prepared for my departure. I asked how she was wanting to present it. She said " We are spending some time apart and we aren't doing anything permanent....etc. etc" I didn't say much, just listened. She went on to say she needed to really work to find a job and make money, again, I just listened made no comment.

The kids took over the morning and I took them to school and said goodbye and left.

She seems a bit withdrawn, not unpleasant but more like she is dealing with a lot of emotions and thoughts.

Pup: So the "friend" she is hanging out with and is going through a crisis in her own marriage used her laptop over the weekend. I have Eblaster on it and of course in come the reports. She is in an EA with some guy and its picking up steam. Granted her husband is throwing gas on the fire by how he's acting but wow. Didn't expect all of that. Of course I know but won't say anything as it's not my place. This EA stuff is so insidious.

Anyway...as it has been said by Pup. Do nothing, expect nothing. This helps so much through all of this.

Jeff

Great friend.

Be prepared to get a tough question or two from the oldest two children. Have you thought about how you will respond if one of them asks you -- either in this joint meeting, or later, privately -- if their mother is seeing anyone else?

Kids are smart, and they see and hear more than we think they do. Three of my four children (then aged 20, 18 and 14) already knew about their mother's new "friend."

Puppy

Pup,

No kidding on the friend. As with most EA's I don't think she is telling my wife. My wife thinks things are getting better with she and her husband. What I read was a woman shopping around for a love interest after she leaves her husband.

As far as the kids go. The OM is fading away. She isn't communicating with him any longer. Not being unrealistic but I don't think a 12,9, and 7 year need to be privy to all of that. If that changes then I'll cross that bridge.

Not sure of the wording. Suggestions? My SD15 is aware of everything that has happened and knows we are separating so that is already dealt with. Just the young boys now. So any thoughts on the wording would be helpful.

Jeff

Jornaling,

Quick update as I have been away from the board for a few days...

Well I am out of the house. Moved out over the weekend.

My W and I had a very emotional day on Sat as she was helping me pack everything up. At one point she broke down and started crying which broke me down as well. We had a honest conversation where she told me she was exhausted and just wanted some time to focus on herself for awhile. I told her that that was healthy and agreed with her.

She shared with me one of her main stumbling blocks in her feelings with me was how cruel to her I was after my EA was exposed. I agreed with her. It's true. I mostly listened and told her that this isn't what I want and I loved her. Although not classic DBing strategy, it was one of those times when it was appropriate.

Spent the weekend with my boys. It was nice. They took the separation hard.

After I left she is very engaging and draws me into conversation when I stop by her house to pick my things up.

She still has a friend that is in an EA right now that she spends time with. I am pretty sure she has no idea as the friend is covering her tracks like a CIA agent. Not very reassuring but I'm done worrying about it.

I am now detaching as much as possible from her to give it time to take effect. I am keeping as busy as possible and working out alot.

This is really tough. I miss her so much already. I will need your support and feedback going forward to make sure I don't backslide. no doubt this is where it gets really tough.

I believe I can rebuild with her but am prepared for the other alternative.

Thaks for being there everyone!

Jeff

Jornaling,

Quick update as I have been away from the board for a few days...

Well I am out of the house. Moved out over the weekend.

My W and I had a very emotional day on Sat as she was helping me pack everything up. At one point she broke down and started crying which broke me down as well. We had a honest conversation where she told me she was exhausted and just wanted some time to focus on herself for awhile. I told her that that was healthy and agreed with her.

She shared with me one of her main stumbling blocks in her feelings with me was how cruel to her I was after my EA was exposed. I agreed with her. It's true. I mostly listened and told her that this isn't what I want and I loved her. Although not classic DBing strategy, it was one of those times when it was appropriate.

Spent the weekend with my boys. It was nice. They took the separation hard.

After I left she is very engaging and draws me into conversation when I stop by her house to pick my things up.

She still has a friend that is in an EA right now that she spends time with. I am pretty sure she has no idea as the friend is covering her tracks like a CIA agent. Not very reassuring but I'm done worrying about it.

I am now detaching as much as possible from her to give it time to take effect. I am keeping as busy as possible and working out alot.

This is really tough. I miss her so much already. I will need your support and feedback going forward to make sure I don't backslide. no doubt this is where it gets really tough.

I believe I can rebuild with her but am prepared for the other alternative.

Thaks for being there everyone!

Jeff

I agree, Jeff. Sometimes you DO have to, and that was a good time.

I'm sorry you had a rough weekend. This stuff sukks, there's just no two ways about it.

Puppy

Quick question for you all,

Working to detach (day 1-;)...)after the Sep. Any pointers on how to handle picking up the kids. Suggestions on how to not backslide when interacting to pick up my boys from her house?

The days they aren't with me are straight forward enough..

Jeff

Journaling,

Yesterday was the first full day of detaching and it produced some small results.

I worked yesterday and stayed silent throughout. She texted me in the late afternoon asking me how my day was. I didn't respond as I had things I was doing and she texted again telling me she was picking up my oldest son. I was away from my phone and couldn't respond. She sent one more later sying "No Response...no worries".

I eventually responded and let her know I was just getting back home. She updated me on little things and I ended the text messaging wishing her a good evening.

We just separated over the weekend so I am thinking she is feeling some guilt? Seeing if I am OK? Not sure. Maybe a small step. No phone calls just texts.

I pick up the kids tonight as they are with me for the next two days. I think I will be very brief and depart as quickly as I can without being rude.

What a long road this is going to be. But some small signs as she was barely communicating before.

Jeff

She's probably trying to make sure you are "okay with this." The trick, for all of us, has always been to let them know WE are okay ("I'll be just fine"), but that we're NOT "okay" with the decision they made (esp. when there's infidelity involved).

You're doing it well!

Puppy