Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Divorce looming #4

I have that book, too. I was actually reading it and had picked out a paragraph to post to you. So I find all of this hilarious. The basic premise of the book is DETACH. So there you go. But here is the paragraph (although there are many others) that made me think of you:

"Christians beliefs work just fine. Your life can work just fine. It's rescuing that doesn't work. 'It's like trying to catch butterflies with a broomstick,' observed a friend. Rescuing leaves us bewildered, and befuddled every time. It's a self-destructive reaction, another way codependents attach themselves to people and become detached from themselves. It's another way we attempt to control, but instead become controlled by people. Caretaking is an unhealthy parent-child relationship-sometimes between two consenting adults, sometimes between an adult and a child."

"Our real needs don't get met. Our real needs become greater and so does our despair. We center our lives around this person, trying to protect our source of security and happiness. We forfeit our lives to do this. And we become angry at this person. We are being controlled by him or her. We are dependent on that person. We ultimately become angry and resentful at what we are dependent on and controlled by, because we have given our personal power and rights to that person."

Sounds familiar? I thought they wrote the book about me!

Tampa, I dunno. If you'd have said Point Clear, Alabama, I'd have been on the next flight.

Melissa

Ya. Sounds like me. So how do I break myself of that? How do I make myself ok with her being with someone else and not me anymore? Not sure.

Well, I won't be near Alabama. But Clearwater Beach is right next to Tampa. lol. Its a great beach.

Well, the invite is there is anyone decides they want to.

I hate this packing. I'm going to hate saying goodbye to my kids. And I am going to hate walking away from my W knowing this is what she wants.

She definitely is not playing games. I still can't believe she actually filed. Yet she tells me she still loves me and always will. How can she do this if she still loves me?

I just don't know.

Kevin

Well Kevin, good luck to you.

Just reading through your threads, it's obvious what your W wants. She wants a confident 'man'. One that can be firm with her when the need arises and put her in her place. The only way she can get that from you is if she respects you.

Get that respect back buddy!

My Car is in the shop. It has a major oil leak and the timing belt may need to be replaced also. I took it to pepboys and they wanted $1,400 for everything and also wanted to do recommended stuff. So I took it somewhere else that my neighbor recommended and they told me Pepboys was going to charge me double labor for something they were going to have to do anyways to get to the rest of it.

I will know this afternoon what all really actually needs to be done. So I won't be leaving before Wednesday.

W talked to me last night. She basically wanted me to know that everyone in her life except her best friend has betrayed her and screwed her over in some form or fashion. It will take her years to get past stuff I did. She is going through with the D. I told her I understand her pain and things that have happened to her in her life. What else do I have left to say? I have already said how I feel multiple times. She isn't going to change her mind. The D is going through.

I guess I will sign the waiver of service tomorrow then along with the custody agreement. Apparently I have to also give my answer on the divorce tomorrow.

She said there is only one person in this world that truly cares about her and loves her just for her and no other reason. I said who is that. And she said D7. And D7 does truly love her just for her. D7 quit eating Peanut butter sandwiches that she loves so that she could kiss mommy during the day siince mommy is allergic to peanuts. D7 loves W no matter what.

I said don't discount D11's love to. And she said she doesn't, but that D11 has always been a daddy's girl. And that she has always seeked my approval. W thinks that everyone else just wants something from her and doesn't truly love her unselfishly just because she is her. I don't agree with this. But ok.

I told her I understand and I see why she thinks the way she does about everything and I see where she is coming from with her past. There is no arguing with her. It just sends her into a fuming fit of rage.

She said she gives 110% to relationships and just gets screwed over in retun. She feels like the victim. She said at 35 its time for her to start taking care of her and nobody else. I said ok. Again, not like I can stop her from doing any of this.

She says she doesn't respect me as a husband and all my motives are selfish. And she can't live like that. I have to be gone. She wants no links to me except through the kids.

She said she hopes I take this time to improve myself so I can have a better life going forward. But its not going to be with her anytime in the next few years.

I told her she needs to work out her issues. Maybe a counselor can help her do that. But she needs to learn how to deal with her past. I told her she does have a big heart because I have seen it for 12 years. I told her that this person right now is not her. She needs to get herself fixed.

In her mind, that means eliminating me from her life. She was actually in tears talking to me last night. She isn't concerned about the hurt this is going to cause anyone. She is more concerned about her own mental well being.

I am not of concern to her. She has written me off. I'm just someone else in the world now who happens to share 2 kids with her.

Her head is really messed up. She views me as the bad guy and more person that has disapointed her.

She really has all the messed up ideas now about what God wants. She told me she prayed alot about it and feels this is right. She doesn't have butterflies in her stomach like she says she would if it was wrong. She said when something is not right, all kinds of things go wrong.

She is lost right now and has really screwed up ideas of how things should be. I'm getting tired of being told I am to blame for all of this and how little she respects me as a husband.

Maybe I have earned that over the years. But I also know what is right, and this is not the right way to fix things. And I also know that she will seek someone else out barring a miracle.

There is no growth going on here as much as she would like to think otherwise.

I do love her. She still thinks I don't. And that bothers me. But I can't seem to convince her otherwise.

I'm not sure how to enjoy my life without her and with her being with someone else. I guess I am going to be forced to have to though. I'm still praying to God though that he will get through to her and fix things between us.

Kevin

It's obvious your W has self-esteem problems. She's always looking for the approval of others and it's sad that she says she gets only approval from her D7.

I would stop validating her and start putting your foot down. Tell her it is her resposibility to feel how she does. You don't control her feelings! She chooses to be the victim and would rather blame others than look within her own insecurities.

If there is anything you do before you leave, I would suggest you do that. Apologize for what you did REALLY did wrong and then tell her that once you're not around she'll see that she'll have no one else to blame but herself for her failings.

That's why she goes from relationship to relationship to someone who she believes is the stronger person. She's looking for a protector to shield her from her own insecurities. Problem is she'll keep repeating this pattern because she hasn't addressed the real issue which is herself.

Thanks Stuck,

She also told me she has always done what is expected of her and she can't anymore. She then tells me that this D is not about me. Its about her.

It might be about her. But it affects me and the kids and our lives. Not of concern to her though.

Kevin

That's the problem right there. She said "she's always done what was expected of her". Who put those expectations there? Herself.

She puts expectations on herself that she can't possibly fulfill. Maybe she has an ideal image of what life is and again, those are expectations that she places on herself.

She has to truly understand what those are and what they mean to her. She seems to believe that you don't live up to her expectations and you shouldn't have to. She needs to see why she has those expectations. If not, no one she goes out with will ever fulfill her the right way.

Definitely sounds like a MLC to me.

I agree Stuck. I think this is definitely a MLC. I can't live up to what she wants at this time in her mind I guess.

Well, as God would have it... my car won't be fixed and out of the shop until sometime tomorrow. So I can't leave for Florida tomorrow. Also, I got a call from an agency today and they want me to come in and talk to them about a job tomorrow. If its good, they will set up an interview for me with the company. That almost ashures I am not leaving til this weekend or if at all if I get this job.

I have been praying very hard for something to happen and it looks like God is putting things into place. We will see how this goes tomorrow. I'd prefer to stay here in a good job.

Kevin

Congrats on the job prospect!!

I am proud of you!

Melissa

Please read this again, because stuck nailed it IMO. ^