Oh, thanks running. I am trying my "bestest" at this. I know H has enjoyed our talks and the encouragement that I give him on his work. So will see. I do like being the one that got away and OW cannot live up to me. I do know that and I think H knows that too. But will see. Will definitely try to keep low expectations b/c H has not said he's coming so.
Please, I need some expert DBing advice. I think I just had a clash of therapy and I don't know what to do. So today I had a phone therapy session and brought up to the T about having sex with H again. Yes, again. For those of you who've been tracking my sitch one of my goal is to not have sex with H. But this morning I was home from work and he was working in the area. He stopped in for breakfast and then he started to kiss me. And I tried soooooo hard to resist. I kept say no stop this isn't right and he kept persisting until I gave in and let go. I know I'm a sucker and I absolutely hate it. Anyway, so I told my T about what happened and his advice to me was that I keep letting H off the hook and that I'm not asking him what his intentions are for us. I kept arguing with him that my book says that I shouldn't be the one to bring up the status of the marriage, until he does. And the therapist kept saying that as his wife I have a right to ask these things. Then I said that I don't want to pressure the situation. He has to come around to wanting the marriage. He agreed but he thinks I should still be inquiring about H's intentions about us. Of course I would love to know H's intentions but I also feel like I don't want to rush or add pressure. I wish H would say that he's ready to come home, but should I be the one asking about what his plans are. But I don't think he has a plan right now. I said to the T that all he is going to say is that he doesn't know, and then what? Where would that leave us. I don't want to be waiting but do I have a choice?
So after talking with T I called H, stupid stupid stupid. I talked about why I don't want to have sex b/c although it feels good he is cat eating and having two women and I know that he loves me but he wants both of us, blah blah blah. All he said was ok we won't do anything again., and then I got frustrated becasue he wasn't saying what I wanted to hear and it was a frustrated conversation about nothing.
Anyway, I just want don DBers thoughts please. Should I really be asking H about his intentions for us? I feel like I just want to continuing to GAL and let it be. I know the sex is not good b/c it allows H to cake eat and then he thinks that I'll always be hooked on him. T thinks that by not putting some pressure on H that he will continue this for a long time. Thoughts pleaseeeee.
The funny thing is that before taking with the T, I was taking to H (after the sex not before) and it totally sound like him and OW are beginning to love bust. He actually told me that he told her that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. He was also starting to say some negative things about her and I listened and in my own way was enjoying it all, but I didn't say too much. All I said was that it may be the age. OW is 11 years younger. I was just listening and realized to myself after that I just need to continue being H's good friend through all this but then after therapy it just through me off my game.
I understand what you are saying Puppy but there was a lady on here - I think Butterflymom - and she did what Vicky is doing and stayed her H's BF and continued to have 'safe' sex with her H, as she considered him HER H as she was M'd to him, and gradually he found his way back home.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I do agree with puppy in a lot of ways. That's why I sooooo want to not have sexual interaction with my H. And believe me I am trying really hard but yes, I keep giving in and it sucks. It really does stem from the fact that I do enjoy my H and we do have a good sex life but I know that he is totally cake eating and I want to stop it. I will try to work on this goal on not having sex with him. Although H and I are becoming good friends again, which I notice really only started to really happen from last month once I backed off and started calling less, I have tried to remove myself from H's life in a lot of ways. For example, I cut off some credit cards that we share, and even separated our car insurance policy, etc. And I so try not to call H too much and I keep myself busy. But the sex thing is a dead give away to him that I am still hooked. So I will kept trying my best to stop this.
Puppy/safie, what are your thoughts on what my therapist said, should I be asking H about his intentions for us. Seems to be against DB advice. Thanks.
I interpreted it as IF you're going to ML to him, then yes, you have a right to ask him that. But it would be preferable that you didn't ML to him to begin with.
Ok, sounds true. I actually did ask and I got the response I expected, or more so I explained that I don't like ML and us not being together and he said ok we won't ML again. But I could tell that it was a total BS answer. The T was saying that I keep letting H off the hook b/c I haven't asked him about his intentions but I really don't want to. In my own way I want him to stay out there with OW for a little while longer to suffer a bit more. See in my mind and the evidence has shown OW is terrible for H. He knows it but there is still a need of his that she fills. So I think he needs to get tired of the crap before he comes back. Otherwise he will come back and try to recreate the scenario of nice comfy wife and party OW. But it is how to make sure that he knows that he cas't cake eat is what I struggle with.
Then it really rests in your hands. You have to decide without a doubt in your mind that you want your husband back and the only way you can do that is not to let him cake eat. You have to respect yourself before he can respect you too.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
