WP, I know you feel like you said things that can't be taken back, but I am sure that your W has as well. We all have done that, we all have said we are sorry, and it is up to her to accept your apology.
A friend once pointed out to me that Jesus died on the cross to forgive us our sins. If he can forgive us but we can't forgive ourselves, are we saying to God that his sacrifice isn't enough. I remind myself of that story everytime I struggle with something that I have done that I regret, and trust me there are many.
All we can do is the best we can do. I think you are doing great. Just continue to work on yourself and remember that you can't change anything about your W, only yourself.
Thank you both. K, What you say about Christ is very true. His sacrifice and grace is sufficient. I really don't have a problem forgiving anything my W has done; I understand that we all make mistakes and none of us are perfect. My W, on the other hand, has always had a difficult time forgiving. This by her own admission. She says she doesn't understand forgiveness. I believe that God allows things in our lives for a reason, and I believe that one of the reasons my W is in this place is a lack of forgiveness in her heart, and the bible says we are forgiven the same way we forgive others. This is dangerous for her spiritually, and I know God wants her to see that. For me, I believe that God wants me to know that He alone is sufficient for me--that's not to say that he wants me alone, but he wants me to love him more than anything else can even come close. I need to find my joy in him alone right now. My W is no longer there for me, but I need to remember that He is and that He loves me unconditionally. I'm working on it...
So I was having a good day. I called my W just before lunch to see if she wanted to hang out (I know I should not have done that). Got her v/m, so I just went by myself. I was walking and was invited by a group to join a bible talk, which I ended up going to and really enjoyed. God is ever present--the discussion was about finding true happiness in Christ alone!! Something I really need. Anyhow I get back to work and I look up my W's online profile (I don't have access to her account, I can just see her profile), and I see that her mood is set to flattered and she has posted a hand drawn picture of herself. Obviously a gift from a man. See this kicks me in the stomach. Last night she was talking about wanting to just finish school and move away where no one knew us. She was talking about how she's sad about our life, how she's how perfect our family is and how everything goes together perfectly--everything but us. She said she wished she could just run from everything and start over. I kept the conversation away from our R, and I told her that she can't run away from herself or from God, and that no matter where she went he would follow. I urged her to look at herself before God and see what he wants her to see about herself. I told her I have been eagerly looking for what God is trying to show me. Anyhow, it was a decent conversation, nothing monumental, but it was the first time she brought things up. I'm almost sure she was on a date at lunch becuase she insists that she was at her desk when I called but somehow she didn't get my call. I think she avoided my call b/c she knew I was calling to make lunch plans and she already had plans she wouldn't cancel. Who knows. I may be running way off with this, but I just hate thinking that some other guy is drawing pics of her and she's feeling flattered by some other guy.
So I was having a good day. I called my W just before lunch to see if she wanted to hang out (I know I should not have done that).
So why did you???
WP, you are no longer a novice at this. You've grown -- a LOT -- and you're largely at the stage where you KNOW what to do, but you're just having a hard time DOING it.
So pray for strength. Focus on that. Strength, courage, and conviction.
The great thing about DBing is that you find that your marital relationship is NOT as fragile as you always thought it was. You can screw things up, and not, well . . .screw them up. There are always second (and third) chances. But there aren't twenty. Especially when you get to this endgame you're in.
WP- I think that Puppy hit the nail on the head. You are a great man and your faith is strong. Unfortunately, your W is not in a place that she can listen to your point. You know what you need to do, you are just struggling with yourself to do it.
Let go, Stop talking, and GAL for YOU. Not for your W, for YOU.
She will move on from the mistakes, but now you need to learn from them. You can do this. We all can do this. You are stronger than your think. I have faith in that. God doesn't put anything in front of us that we can't handle.
I am praying for you. I am praying for all of us. God Bless! K
I don't know what I'm so afraid of. I guess I feel like I need to constantly keep showing her that I love her or else she will see my withdrawal as a blessing for what she wants to do. We've had so many horrible times and fights the past month since she moved back in, and now she found an apt. and will definitely be moving out on March 1, and I feel like the rest of this month should be as full of good times (particularly as a family) as possible, so that when she moves out that's her most recent memory, not all of the fighting. But then everytime we are together all we do is fight. Last night when I got home we started talking about money and it turned into a huge fight. She told me to stop thinking that all she wants to do is hurt me, and she actually cried, which my W almost never does. I do know the things I need to do, but I am still so gripped with fear that everything I do will cause more damage. I hope I get this before it really is too late (it may already be, I guess?).
I know this is hard. And your faith and your growth are admirable.
There is a huge gulf between "fighting" and "pursuing." You are right to make your home a place of peace, and to show the BEST, "New WP" to your wife in the time you have left together in this home. But that doesn't mean that it's wise to PURSUE her, and initiate by asking her if she wants to "hang out."
WP, My H moved out of the house stopped sleeping at the house January 3, and officially moved out 2 1/2 weeks ago. It actually made it easier to stop the pursuing, and the funny thing it, that's what made H more interested in me. I had the same fears that letting him go would reassure him that it's better without me. Instead, it seems to be showing H that I'm someone worth being with.
I know how hard it is, but the principles in the book are written for a reason and they work. Follow them! Stop focusing on making your W's memories happy and work on making your memories happy. The fighting is stressful to both of you and isn't working.
As far as the fear goes, I understand. What are you afraid of? That she will leave you? Isn't that what is already happening? Start working through what will happen if your fears are realized. Aren't they already happening? So what is it going to hurt to stop fighting, stop pursuing, and start showing your W that you are the man she says she wants.
You know what to do, now it's time to do it. I have faith. God Bless! K
You guys both gave me the jump start I really needed for this past weekend. Honestly, your posts really inspired me and for the first time in a long time, I had a great weekend. I'll admit, I almost threw myself a pity party on Saturday night, but then I remembered your posts and I got up and started working on some long overdue projects around the house. You know what? I felt better afterwards! Also, we had great family times this weekend. That's also something that hasn't happened in a while. I did a few things on my own this weekend (went for a run, went shopping, did projects), I also was very upbeat and happy around my W, not letting it bother me when she brought up moving out. Last night she said that if she won the lottery she would want us to quit our jobs and go traveling together, not "trying" to work on our relationship, just "being" together. Anyhow, I just want to report having a great weekend and I wanted to thank you both for helping make that possible. I really mean that.
