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OMG, CIW. Please give your wife some credit. After reading your last post, I have a feeling that you feel that she is incapable of making any decisions on her own. That if she 'gets together' with another guy then her friends make her or a guy make her do it. Come on. You need to stop making excuses for her. I know you want to believe that she loves you still but you have to let her grow up (in your eyes) and be responsible for herself. She knows what she is doing, OK? These are her choices that she is making.

I am so sorry to be blunt in this e-mail but your last e-mail just absolves her of all responsibility and maturity. No one can make another person drink till their senses are gone. And unless there is a drug involved, I don't think anyone can take advantage of her if she doesn't want to be with anyone else.

Please see this and don't make excuses for her anymore. Kev, I know it hurts a heck of a lot. But what she does may not be related to you, please don't take it so personally. She is probably very unhappy and is trying to look for a way out. She may do it while trying on a new relationship/romance/fling. I am sorry but you have to mentally prepare for it, just in case.

Yes, it may destroy you...for awhile. But what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. It will.

Letting go of her will help you deal with this great pain you are experiencing. Let go of her actions, don't let them influence your mood and your wellbeing.

On another note, human nature is a very funny thing. If she finds out that you are attractive to other women, she might, in turn, find you attractive again. So your instinct of her seeing you go out would mean she can, is actually not accurate, in my POV. I think it would have the opposite effect. She may just take a new look at you through other women's eyes. So if there is a way that she can find out you have been asked out, then by all means. But if she wanted to date anyway, she will find any excuse to do so whether or not she thinks you are dating or not. (As you have seen on this BB, any reason will do, it doesn't have to be the perfect reason or even remotely true. A WAS who wants to date other people will do so easily and justify it till the day they die.) You cannot control that and if you think you can, you are in for heartache and self-punishment.

Thanks for your honesty PM. I guess I do have a lot of issues I still need to work out for myself. Every time I think about her heading out now though, I think back to the night that we had the big fight and ended up separating. That night she was out of control, hanging off men and generally making a real show of herself. I'm glad that she has Wee Man on the weekends I can go out. It means there's no chance I'll have to see her acting like that knowing that she's single.

I really know that I have to let go. It's taking time but I think I will get there eventually.

For what it's worth PM, I agree with your POV with regards to her seeing me in a new light if she knows I'm still popular with other women. Got to be worth a try. Who knows, I may even have a good night. I don't want to make her jealous but I would like her to see me as someone other than who she obviously sees me as now.

The meeting at the bank was very dry. I tried to make light conversation but only got one word answers in reply. She also seemed like she'd rather be anywhere else other than there with me. I'm going to reduce my goal of making her laugh to making her smile. Laughing can come later.

CIW,

Maybe for now your goals should focus on you, not your wife. Whether she smiles or doesn't, laugh or doesn't, what does that really have to do with you, or the M?

DB'ing is about YOU. Your goals, your life, your journey. Go out on Saturday night, so that YOU can have some fun. Whether your wife hears about it, speculates about it, whatever -- make your life about you and your son, not about your wife. It seems like interactions w/your wife bring you down. Try fewer interactions - only having to do w/your son. Focus on what keeps you positive -- including the time with your son. Appreciate those things.

And when you're out on Saturday - NO WIFE TALK! If someone asks how you are - smile - say "doing fine". Talk about your son, talk about the funny movie you watched, talk about whatever sport is going on there - NO WIFE TALK!!

You're doing great - just put your focus squarely on you. And always listen to PM!!

dw

CIW,

Checkin in on you to see how you're doing. It looks like you're doing great and getting super advice!!

I agree on the focus squarely on you piece of advice.

Now that I found your new thread - I'll check in more often :-)

You're probably right about personal goals Davidswife. I do have a few already. I want to lose another 8lbs by my birthday at the beginning of April. I'm half way through my first assignment on my writing course so I intend to have that finished over the next few days. It's keeping my mind occupied.

I went down to W's parents tonight to see Wee Man and get a much-needed cuddle. It was great to see him again. Obviously my W was there too and being as monosyllabic as ever. I did try to make conversation and kept a positive outlook but she just didn't seem interested in engaging. The difference is that tonight it didn't get to me as much this time. I had really good, fun talks with my IL's though so that made up for it. My W just sat with a face like thunder and looked on. Still, I'm not going to let it get me down. I've been to the gym tonight so I got my endorphins pumping and feel even better. I've been grocery shopping too which I really couldn't be bothered with but I needed to get supplies for Wee Man coming to stay tomorrow night. We're going to have a great time.

I have to replace my TV when my W takes our one. I'm in my element when shopping for gadgets I have to admit. I'm looking forward to the challenge of finding something special to entertain my eyes. Think I'll go looking on Saturday in a few of the local electrical shops. I've also decided to buy myself a new outfit for Saturday night to compliment my weight loss. Might even stretch to a new bottle of after shave (cologne) so I can smell a little better too. Many years ago I remember loving the smell of Carolina Herrera 212 so I'll see if I can find a bottle of that. I was wondering if all you ladies had any alternative ideas about what smells good on a guy? Not sure if you get the same brands in the States as we get here but there's bound to be some similarities.

I'm glad you found my new thread Peace. I've been feeling a bit lost being away from Newcomers. I didn't think it was fair to remain on there though when I feel as if I've already been through so much good advice on here.

Anyhoo, after the gym I was feeling so manly and pumped that I came home and did the ironing. In my defence though, I did it while watching 'The Wrestler'. It's still on but I'm not over impressed to be honest. Mickey Rourke is good but I'm just finding the storyline a bit depressing. Not separation depression but not a happy movie. Need to watch more immature comedies.

Hey CIW,
I just wanted to stop by and say hello and tell you that you're doing okay. This is a tough journey you're on, my friend, and it may end up being the toughest of your life - but you will find yourself in the end...and that's what is most important.

When I first arrived here I couldn't take my mind off my W for more than a minute - she dropped the bomb on me in May and just never really seemed interested in giving us a chance after that - she moved out in November...and, well...those are the basic facts - around all of this I also went through cycles of pain and confusion and even moments bordering of desperation - but there is something in all of us that helps us endure...

I suggest you go through and read the posts of people like Coach, SmartCookie, Veronica, Refusetolose - not just people who have saved their marriages - but people who came to find themselves first.

Be patient with yourself and take time to be kind to yourself as well. This is a horrible experience - there's no doubt about that - but it's also a tremendous opportunity for you to affirm for yourself who you want to be - and the type of father you will be.

It seems kind of hard to access some of the earlier threads - but if you can find my first posts you'll see a confused, broken man - someone that put all - and I mean ALL - his energy into figuring out his wife...and I wasn't ready to turn my focus onto me until months into the process...this stuff takes time, but when you are ready to you will make all the necessary steps. Trust in your strength...it's what brought you here, after all.

-Carlos.

Thanks for your support Carlos. It does indeed sound like our stories are fairly similar. I had a quick look over your last thread and it seems you've decided not to try and get your M back any more. By reading your posts I have the upmost respect for your decision. I think the area where we differ is that my W was never angry or abusive toward me or our S. It does seem to me on here that it's a lot more common for a WAH to return than it is for a WAW. Maybe I'm wrong but that's just the impression I get from the boards.

I'm definitely not in a position yet to be able to give up on my M and right now I can't see a point where that would be the case. I'm wise enough to know that time can change things though. Life has to go on regardless. You sound like your an amazing father which I also aspire to be. My visitation with my S at the moment is not as much as I'd like it to be in an ideal world but I think it's as much as I can possibly get at the moment. I do want to build up a friendship with my W so we can be united in bringing up our S but right now she doesn't seem to be in a place where she can be friendly. I've now given up trying to work out what's going on inside her mind but have to hope that she'll snap out of it some day for the sake of Wee Man.

Kev

Hi Kev,
Yes, we do have some thing in common - though I'm happy that we don't have the abuse/anger as one of those things.

Time can and will change things a lot - and the more you let go of your W, the more she will have the freedom to understand herself - and the more you will have that same freedom for yourself as well. My hope in my situation was that I would detach and find myself determined to do anything (which means detaching) to save my marriage...but, as you saw, when I reached a point of letting go, I recognized a lot of things that made me wonder...and which eventually lead me to conclude that, though I love my W, I cannot be in a healthy relationship with her.

My experience is mine, however, and I don't think it has to be that way...the only thing that I think is common to the success stories here on DB (the genuine/non-rushed or forced success stories) is that the LBS found himself/herself. By letting go of our spouses we can achieve a kind of self-awareness that is just incredible (though the journey there is painful).

Try not to think about your W and M in terms of giving up...think of it more in terms of acceptance. Resistance to our situations does more damage than anything else we can do - but accepting our situation - and making the most of it - finding the opportunity in it - however hard it is to see at times - changes things dramatically.

It took me a long, long time to understand what it meant to let go and be detached...but it sees from your words that you've already got a very good sense of what would be best for you and Wee Man.

BTW - I think you sig is spot on - I was completely lost before I found myself...and then the real work began.

-Carlos.

Wee Man was a bit unsettled last night and didn't want to go to bed at his usual time. I think this sitch may finally be affecting him. I hope it doesn't get any worse. Mind you, I also think he's coming down with a cold so it could just be that. When he eventually did go to sleep, he slept all night and woke up in an excellent mood. I dropped him off at the child minder's this morning and he was still in a good mood when I left so I'm sure he'll be fine.

Thanks for your input and encouragement once again Carlos. I think I am becoming more settled in myself. My emotions don't seem to have been running so high over the last couple of days. I keep hearing that this is going to be a marathon so I guess I'm just going to have to settle down and find my own pace for the duration.

I know what you're saying about letting go of our spouses. It's something that needs to be done either way. I'm struggling with it though. Probably less now that I was certainly but still struggling on occasion. There are just certain things that sets it off. I'm sure over time they'll get less though.

I just have to now accept my sitch. I don't think I've done that fully yet if I'm honest. I know what's best for me and Wee Man and I know pretty much what I have to do to make myself a stronger person. Now I just have to convince my heart to follow that path!

Kev

CIW, hi
Having spent my life working with children I do think your son is too young to be affected by the situation,having said that they do pick up on your mood swings and atmosphere.
I would think it more than likely he was just under the weather,over tired or teething.
Do you and your wife try to keep him to the same routine in each others care? ie regular tea time ,bath and bed or whatever pattern his night time follows. That he does need children need routine it gives them a great sense of security.

Ah the heart and the head are often at loggerheads I guess that makes us human.
You sound like you are doing pretty good all things considered.
Did yu decide on your night out yet?