Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers JDOllie's story #5

JD,

You didn't do this 2 years ago because you weren't ready. You didn't do this even 2 weeks ago!.

You have found the place and you are now starting to understand.

I have to agree with SD, no-one should be co dependent. I was and we both suffered because of it.

I also agree that they have walked away think that they have left things behind. I know now that it doesn't work that way.

At the end of all this, WE are the ones that have done the work, we have looked inside and seen what we were and where we were. Now we are in a position to take this knowledge into the world and in my case, just try to help others to get there.

MWD says that in the DB book. They take their unhappiness with them, the sad thing is we can't tell them that, no matter HOW much we love them.

I am SO pleased for you JD. (an a little jealous that you are within a few pounds of your ideal weight..grrr..lol)

Man, I'm embarrassed by the outpouring of support on here - it feels great, but I'm sure I don't deserve it!

I feel like I passed another big hurdle tonight. W texted me yesterday and asked me if I could pick up the kids from school. Of course, she doesn't even have to ask.

So, it was supposed to be quick in-and-out, and she would pick them up like a half-hour after school. She texted me around 5:00, and said she wouldn't make it, so would meet us at b-ball practice. I asked if I should feed, and she said no, she would.
WIN #1 - NO OTHER TEXTS!

I took kids, and they were all excited to see her hair. We got to about 6:50 (ends at 7:00), and W texts and says she won't be able to make it, says she is about to cry. I text back, "OK".
WIN #2 - DON'T TAKE THE BAIT

So, I got kids packed up and headed on 20 minute drive back, and texted W asking about food again because it was getting late. She said, "Yes, feed them, I failed my practice exam." (She has a big exam tomorrow)
Me: "OK"
WIN #3 - DON'T TAKE THE BAIT!

(comment here - I have ALWAYS been her biggest cheerleader, and pumped her up, and told her how smart and capable she was)

I thought she might be back around the same time we got back, so I texted, "We are going to eat at home, and I am going to wash their uniforms, they will be wet, but can't be run through the dryer." (Tomorrow is sports day for our kids at school, and they wanted to wear their basketball and cheerleading uniforms)

W: "I will text when I get back, thank you!"

She actually came home to pick them up, and I had them read, coats on, and shoved them out the door. So best news is that I didn't see her at all, let alone her new hairdo!

I didn't give in ONE time to the very obvious attempts to get sympathy, and I got to spend 4.5 hours with the kids instead of 1.75!

Woohoo! Man, I'm going by leaps and bounds here!

Go you JD!

That's all I can say.

Excellent!!! You are my hero.

Great job!

{{{JD}}} Glad you had a good evening with the kids..that is always a blessing to get some extra time

I agree with Silva and SD..we DO the work and it's so good that we can learn to not be codependent..it's funny, I had read that line from SD and Silva earlier while I was at work, but didn't get to respond then. But, on the way home, I was thinking about that and was saying out loud to myself "I will NEVER be that way again, no matter how my marriage turns out..even if hub came back tomorrow, I would NEVER be 100% dependent on him again"..because, like we all said, we lost at least part of ourselves somewhere along the way. I know our spouses think that as well, the difference is..we don't feel like we have to run away from everything to find that part of ourselves again..

Tawnya

Another thought....my W told me that a partnership was like a tree. (dont know where that one came from) she said that 'we' are the trunk and our independent lives are the branches. They all get their strength from the trunk and no branch can survive without the trunk.

I thought that was a wonderful description. I told my C about it and she said...That's good, but if the tree becomes heavy on one side, it will fall.

So, it's a matter of balance. Find and be yourself, but don't lose sight of the true meaning of partners. Without the balance, the tree will fall.

JD,

You are in a new place! I hadn't read your thread in a while, but you are in a NEW place! Very good! Sounds like your W has taken notice too!

Tawnya and Silva: I really like your two last posts! They make so much sense to me! I desperately needed to give my W more freedom to things on her own. But her spending almost no quality time with me anymore to feed her need for independency caused my "love tank" to go empty. That in turn, fueled me even more to drive her back to me. I basically toppled the tree by leaning to her side with all the heavy branches! Interesting picture!

Sam..well thank you..and actually I really liked your analogy about the tree..I hadn't thought about it like that before!! So thank YOU

Tawnya

Love the tree analogy. I think the the branches on his side were toppling us over a long time ago!!

I won't be 100% dependent again either. I was raised by my parents that being a wife/mother was my duty and my job. I still believe that, but I invested my entire happiness in him. HIM! A man who is so uncapeable of happiness on his own.