Can you say boundaries, man? She came to the door of the bank, found it was closed, you saw her face fall, and you went and opened the door anyway.
Where in my post did I say this way going to be easy?
She cannot make you feel guilty unless you let her. She cannot do it without your permission.
Examine your motives this morning. Did you say no because you really didn't want to go, or because you were 'getting back?' Did you say yes just to please her? Or did you go because you thought you could in fact enjoy the outing?
See, the example above really isn't what I was talking about...it's more those things you do for her because YOU think she will like it or needs it, and you take the initiative all on your own. Examples: You wash her car because YOU think she will appreciate it. You take her to dinner on the beach because YOU hope she will think it's romantic. You cook dinner because you know she'll be tired at the end of the day and YOU think she'll appreciate this gesture.
See what I mean?
I think your example above is something kind of different. If you don't want to go to something with her, don't go and stick to your boundary. She has to deal with the no, and you have to deal with the guilt should you decide to feel that way. It's not fair that you take out your anger on her because you gave in (I'm trying to say this gently).
Think of it this way. By you not sticking to your boundaries, you are not helping her heal or face her fears. Actually, you are giving her every reason not to do so. This is how you are contributing to the cycle.
I know you are sick of it all. But you can do this, Brian.
I am a woman who lives across the country from you, we have never met face-to-face, I have conversed limitedly with you through a BB system, and I am sitting here barely able to breathe for the realization of just how deep your pain is. All locked up inside, eating away at your soul.
I will revise yet a second opinion I threw out at you a few days ago. I thought you and I would maybe be able to last in a room together for less than 8.5 seconds.
If given the opportunity, I would sit with you in a room, wrap you in the biggest bear hug I could possibly give another person, and stay that way with you for as long as it took for you to cry your eyes and heart dry.
Then I would wipe your tears dry, give you one last squeeze, and tell you that there is a way out if you have the courage to walk through the deepest pit of your hell. I'd tell you it won't be easy, it will probably test the limits of your endurance and courage, it will probably get worse before it gets better, but that if you stick with it, you will emerge on the other side a changed man. One who can embrace all the hurt and happiness life has to offer.
In so doing, you will have the strength and the peace to help your wife, who recognizes she needs to change, but doesn't have a clue how to do it.
If you have but a shread of the smallest fragment of hope left inside of you, grab onto it for all you are worth and refuse to let it go. It is the only thing that can and will sustain you.
I'm taking a needed break, throwing my mountain bicycle in the truck, and heading to the desert to go biking in solitude. I'll check in tomorrow sometime.
I'll be thinking about everyone's posts while away. Thanks again for all the input.
BTW Corri, I'm sure we'd get along just fine in a room together. We'd probably have a blast, but would have to be careful not to let our personalities drive each other ape-s**t
Back safely. Almost took a nasty spill on the bike, but navigated my way out of trouble. It was a good getaway for me.
Slept well last night, and yet again woke up, stroked my W's body and quickly got all how and bothered. She was laying with her head on my stomach, with a raging erection staring her in the face, and as usual, she doesn't even acknowledge it. Sometimes, she will grab it playfully and say, What's this!!!???. I want to say, It's called an erection, and it means I'm very horny, you MORON!
Oh well, just another day in Brian's marriage. Back to feeling like I've tried everything, although I'm still pondering Corri's last suggestion of backing off and drawing boundaries. It's just, how's the best way to do this? I think I have done it, this time last year; but at that time I also wasn't being loving at all. I can be loving, yet not be as giving in those areas that are specifically important to her. Do I have it right Corri? The consequences of this, I'm afraid, is that she'll say I'm an uncaring husband, not attending to her needs.
Speaking of needs, I think I'd better go take care of something my W won't. Let's see, I can't look at Internet porn, can't have magazines or videos in the house. I'll just use my vivid imagination. Thank goodness for that! It's all I've got.
I am glad you are back safe and sound, and even more glad you are still displaying your sense of humor. If it makes you feel any better, I got shot down last night. I am still caught in the ironic humor of it all...you should have heard our conversation last night...I'm sure it would have made a hilarious skit on Comedy Central.
Anyway, I have to scoot now...I'm in a golf tourney in about an hour or so...I'll check back later in the day, and think about your questions rather than my sh*t ass golf swing...maybe I'll play better.
Brian, that is the big problem with setting boundaries with someone...even if we do it lovingly we are going to get that, initial, negative reaction at first. When you start setting boundaries and getting your needs met it's best to go forward expecting a negative reaction. That will help you stand firm in your actions.
Your motive for setting boundaries would be to take yourself out of harms way in regard to your wife's rejection. To keep you from continueing to feel like you are giving, giving, giving and getting nothing in return. It would be an attempt on your part to keep any resentment you feel from growing stronger. You would also be attempting to motivate her to change her hurtful behavior. You would be changing the status quo and your motives would be pure. No matter how pure your motives though, the person on the receiving end of the boudaries is not going to like it. They are happy with the way things are and you will be messing with their world. Expect them to fight you because it would mean change for them also and change is hard as hell.
Setting boundaries is the easy part. Keeping them in place is what is hard as hell to do. You "fear" how she will react. That is probably the main thing you should concern yourself with. More important probably than the boundaries themselves is the fear you feel that might keep you from standing firm.
We set boundaries when we are feeling overburdened or weight down. I think the feelings you have expressed in your post is a sure sign that you are failing to set some boundaries in the relationship that would inable you to not feel so frustrated. A lot of times when we set boundaries the other person will feel hurt and that will cause a negative reaction from them to the new boundaries. Hurt feelings is one of the consequences to boundaries. Sometimes feelings have to hurt if they are to ever heal. I look at it this way and maybe this will help. You are close to the point of leaving your marriage. You put some thought into it and feel that if you start setting some boundaries in your relationship then it might change the way you are feeling in a positive way. Your motivation is not to harm your wife but to try and save your marriage. You hurt her by setting the boundaries but you don't do any harm to her because your motives are pure and honest.
Right now you are reacting to what you feel is rejection by your wife of a basic need of yours. When we try and find solutions to problems when we are in a reactive frame of mind they usually ellude us. Setting boundaries and sticking to them can help remove you from the pain and better inable you to think clearly.
Your motive...taking care of yourself, acting in a way that causes your wife to make some adjustments in her reaction to your raging hard on and eventually waking up in the morning with you both having a smile on your face. Staying focus on the reason for the boundary and fighting the fear that causes you to be too flexible with the boundary is waht you need to do. JMTFCW! Cathy~
I laughed at you post about your wife putting her head on your belly. My wife does that all the time. She also complains that it is like being held up at gunpoint . I enjoy her laying there but I’m dying for more. More doesn’t ever arrive.
Considering this discussion about the boundary thing, I relate to your confusion. I think the boundaries are necessary to get the message across that “no, everything is not fine. We need to work on some things”. The trick is setting boundaries without letting it seem like we are taking revenge. This is a major problem with holding something back. It will not be read any other way. When we are confronted with why we are “taking revenge” there is nothing we could say to make our wives believe otherwise. Becoming “uncaring husbands” will only dig us a deeper pit to stew in. @%@$!%! Another problem with the boundaries is that we may really be hurting ourselves by certain boundaries. Sometimes I want to resist touching (non sexual caresses, hugs) because I know it will set me on fire but I can’t stop myself becuase I need that touch. I’m not sure which is worse: being in anguish from touching or being in anguish from NOT touching. Well, I guess I’d rather touch most of the time ‘cause I can’t seem to say no.
Boundaries may be the right thing to do, but then again, repairing a relationship is not about right and wrong or fair; it’s about finding what works, unfortunately.
As far as taking care of needs yourself, I can’t even do that. No interest. I can’t hardly turn myself on! Sometimes I start considering it then I think “what’s the point? Have an orgasm?” That’s only a tiny part of what I need from making love to my wife. I can’t seem to get her to believe that I am not a neanderthal just because I like sex.
. I enjoy her laying there but I’m dying for more. More doesn’t ever arrive. 
