Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers \My wife is going to leave me in 5 days--help!

Thanks Fitchik and Puppy for the pick me up. She started another r talk this morning. Think she needs to get it out of her system. Told me she still loves me and we'll see what happens. She said we'll just do a seperation for now. Nothing I can do about it I guess. Told me she became apethetic about taking care of anything since I've been gone. The kids have had to fend for themselves with dinner. My 19 yr old SS has been picking my daughter up from school everyday. She said she doesn't want a man in her life right now--she just wants to sleep, eat, and work that's it-even told me she's probably gonna get a part time job. She only started working about about 2 1/2 weeks ago but looks fantastic.

She said she would have sex(had some this morning) with me still as she knew I had needs but just didn't want to live with me--if I was single that would have been great. The house is totally upside down--crap piled up everywhere. She told me she's only cooked about 10 times in the 7-8 months I've been gone. She told me she doesn't talk to her parents, my parents, doesn't pray or care too, doesn't want to do anything except live and have a good time. Told me she doesn't deserve me and I deserve someone who would love me and take care of me--said she's been a sh*tty wife and its nothing I've done--it's just something she has to do. I asked her what her friends have said--they all said just make sure its really what you want to do.

I dont have the books yet but have been doing 180s for a while now. While in Iraq, I lost about 25 pounds and she noticed and said I was skinny again. She had my car detailed the day for I got home and asked what I thought about it. I told her I really didn't care about the car right now--big change for me--told her it's just a car--shocked her. I didn't act upset about the house at all--that surprised her too. Not sure if the last 2 180s were on purpose as I am pretty jet-lagged and still in a lot of shock.


Well, I guess I'll try to choke something down and take a nap. This house is gonna take about a month to pick up and clean up.
Thanks again for the support!
John

Get those books and read them. I'm seeing some positives in your description, and a chance you can turn this around over time. It may just be that she has been suffering from depression while you were gone and it is turning into a MLC. Stay alert to potential OM in her life, and please do keep posting here on your progress.

PLEASE be careful in this area, John.

She is soooooo fogged out.

I also would implore YOU not to be the one to move out of the house. If SHE wants a separation, and wants to act wayward, SHE can move out.

Puppy

John.

I'm sorry. I am your wife. My H was only gone 6 months. She is having an affair. From my own experience having one, I can almost guarantee it. She is a "shitty" wife because she feels guilty about it and because she believes you deserve more. She probably also feels like she deserves more.

I hate the military way of life sometimes. You guys just take off for 6 months or a year and expect us to still be living the same dang life and we're not. You guys left us, remember?? I know you didn't have a choice. My H didn't really have a choice either, but it doesn't make it any easier. You said you talked to her while you were gone. Who helped her out around the house? Well, you said the house was a mess, so maybe that's not a great question. Who mowed the yard? Did she have ANY help while you were gone? Did you schedule any help for her while you were gone. It gets real old real quick doing our own chores, but then having to do yours too...but it's not an excuse. I just think sometimes you guys really don't have a *clue* about what it takes while you are gone. So add up everything she did do while you were gone and then load some depression on top of it too. We are alone and abandoned because of YOUR job choices, so that makes it YOUR fault. Not really, but that's how the child in us thinks. And we are damn hurt at the time that it's really hard to get past that. The depression leads to lack of motivation at home. You used to be in the home. You aren't home right now. You aren't going to be home for a long time. I don't want to be at home if you aren't there. Where else can I go? I can go shopping. I can go to work. I can go to the gym. All I have to do here is sleep. Meanwhile you are half a world away. Doing your job. I know this. But at the time, the only responsibility you have is your job. To us, it seems like a friggin vacation. *I know* it's not. Believe me, I know. But that stupid little kid just keeps yelling louder and louder that "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!"

I don't know what to tell you. I have to have hope for you so that I can have hope for me.

You need to think about what you are going to do when you find out she did have an A or is at least having an EA. Are you willing to wait it out, forgive her, and be there if/when she decides she wants to come back? If she is like me, she will want back sooner or later. She will realize she loves you. She is unsure if you will forgive her and if she deserves to be forgiven. Please just be open to her. It sounds awful, I think, but I wish my H was. I wish he would have had a little more patience with me. No one understands how hard deployments really are for the spouse left behind.

Good luck. I'll keep checking on you if you want. You may not want.

Melissa

And Puppy is right. He is harsh, sometimes, I think. But it's only cause he cares. And I imagine he is right about 95-99% of the time.

M

Yeah, I know what you mean but it's been a while for me and I was weak. I honestly have not seen any indications that she has had an affair. She told me the other day on the phone point blank when I asked that she would not have sex with other men until we were divorced. She openly admitted to going out to bars a few times while I was gone--out of character for her. I know I can't necessarily believe her right now but I don't believe at least a PA. Maybe a EA--asked about that too--she however has been open about who she talks to for emotional support and is even talking to me about things they talk about--she's not being ugly about anything. I just keep listening and don't get defensive and agree ocassionally. I want her to stay but she doesn't want to. She even is making phone calls in front of me, leaving cell phone laying around, etc. No indications so far to make me believe it, however I am very wary. She is very adamant that she doesn't want a man in her life right now and I know for a fact she would never swing the other way.

She has set it up so it is affordable for me to stay in the house. She already has an apartment picked out and keeps asking if I'm ok--I know she's feeling guilty about doing this as she is not taking any furniture, just her clothes and personal items--keeps on saying I'm a good man. I keep saying the wrong things--no. Think its a combo of jet lag and emotions. Did pretty good tonight--she claims she doesn't want to sleep here tonight cause we talked a lot last night and she wants to sleep--I can see that.
It is like she is a totally different person. She told me last night that when she made up her mind to leave was last Sep. I was in Iraq and she went on a cruise with the kids--I was a little miffed cause I wanted to go--was I a jerk about, perhaps--she told me she figured I didn't want her to be happy and she was tired of it. Ok, I'll buy that I said but hey I'm different too. She asked how--told her I seen a lot of guys get dear John letters/phone calls in Iraq and how they acted, etc--spent a lot of time listening to those guys, trying to comfort them, etc. Really opened my eyes to how I had been to my wife in the past. Made up my mind to do the research and really show her when I got home. She said it's too late--but her fault as she allowed me to not be affectionate--she is basically a total different person--I don't even recognize who she is. She keeps giving me compliments about being skinny--she is being too nice for this. I asked what is the deal, why are you being so nice? She said I didn't do anything wrong so why should I get slammed with bills, leaving the house, etc. I seriously think this is just a WAW that is tired of being trapped in marraige--she has never been alone and wants to be by herself. I am of course very hurt and want to help so bad but she doesn't want any so I am doing my best to give her space--it f$$$ing hurts bad not to be able to hold her and tell her how I feel.

Thanks for the input Puppy, bottom line, I am not moving out of the house and don't plan to make any major life decisions right now. Gonna try to relax, breathe deep and take one day at a time. Lucky for me I have enough leave to take a month off and just chill.

Did a pretty cool 180 on her today--I used to drink quite a bit--not alcoholic like but enough where I could hold my own--she was like its Friday, aren't you going to have a few drinks? I said no, I lost 25 pounds in desert, I'm not going to drink a whole bunch of empty calories my first week back--I think she was flabbergasted.

Mellenmack,
You may be right, but I seriously have done all the research, snooped around the house, talked to the kids, she tells me where she is going all the time, says call if you need something, etc. I think she feels guilty about leaving. Told me she knows its not right leaving her daughter.

I told her if she was having an EA/PA I would forgive her and we could get help. She got angry, I am not having an EA or a PA, would you stop w/ that! I love her with all my heart and really want to prove to her we can have a good rest of our lives together.

Plan to put a keylogger on her computer early next week before she leaves, just have to find an opportune time.

As far as help, my SS who is 19 was here. He mowed and helped w/ my daughter. Asked my stepson about how the wife acted and he said she came home late from work a lot but had work clothes on--she is in the military and when she called right before she came home she called from work--saw the caller id. Matches w/ her saying she has not had an A. Says she really would rather work than be at home--says she can handle work but not the home--too much crap to do and the kids didn't help clean the house that much probably because she didn't make them. Once my wife moves out, which I'm pretty sure she is, my daughter and I have a lot of work to do to get this place in order. She said she just wants to work, eat, sleep and have fun with no real responsibilities as far as a family is concerned. Wants to take care of herself only.

I know what you mean about what it takes to take care of things while I was gone. My last deployment(about 5 years ago) I came back and said something to the effect of hey, you just did what you needed to do, right? Man did I feel like a dumbass after saying that. Have apologized a bunch for it--seems she can't/won't forgive me for anything. Said I had treated my SS bad raising him. Talked w/ SS today and asked him if he had any hard feelings against me. He said, what are u talking about--are you kidding, you are my Dad, I love you and I'm sorry this is happening--wow, felt better. I asked the wife if she had told my SS--she said yes--I said, what did he say--she said he said John's a good man, you should try to work it out--holy cow, floored me!

Hell yes, I want you checking on me! I can use all the support I can get. I have NO Friends. My wife is/was my best friend. Could use your insight. Please keep checking on me.

She is going to sleep in billeting on base and has even told me to call her if I needed anything--so, I don't think there is an active man in her life right now. And no, I'm not going to follow her and see--would be stupid and can't control her. She keeps saying we'll see how things work out, I just don't want to be here right now, that's why I'm moving out and I don't feel anything when it comes to us--just numb, no spark. Wish I could put a spell on her. Crap, I'm down to a slim 180 was over 200 when I left--she has commented on this several times--I keep thinking, crap woman, freaking grab me then! OMG, I think, I'm losing it, gonna go lay down for a while. Talk to you guys tomorrow. Good night and thanks for your support.

Hmm. Confusing bit about leaving the phone lying around and such. Although I am sure she is perfectly knowledgeable about deleting messages and phone call records. The only way to know for sure is to check the account online. You can't erase stuff off the online bill. Would get the stuff Puppy recommends. He mentioned EBlaster to somebody last week. I looked at the website and thought it was cool.

John, it may be that she does just want her space. After I had the A, I realized that that was what I really wanted was to just be left the hell ALONE for awhile. Like your wife, I moved out, found an apartment, I did take some of the furniture. I left him with the house, the bills, and told him I didn't want his retirement or child support. I just wanted AWAY. Time to think. Time to process. I was pregnant when we got married and I felt trapped, and I felt like HE felt trapped, too. He was the party animal and I was the dutiful wife and mother the first ten years. But the drinking got to be too much. He quit taking care of himself and now blames his weight on back problems. I'm like, yeah, you have the back problems because of the extra 50 lbs you're carrying around!! But I really don't care about the weight, honestly. It's not important to me. I don't see it when I look at him.

I think if you just keep making changes...Keep the weight off. Keep the drinking to a minimum. (I thought if he quit drinking it would solve all of our problems. He quit but we still had problems and then he would drink.) He also said things like wishing we hadn't had D4. I would try really really hard not to show that the stitch is getting to you. Keep taking care of yourself. The gym. Get the house nice. Focus on the kids. Let SS19 hang around as much as he is willing. Start cooking??!! You gotta be able to at least do burgers!! I have a great EASY recipe for French Chicken. I would just roll with it for awhile. Get back into a "groove". I would NOT ask her about the D at all.

On another note, we are getting the first few Raptors here. Totally canNOT tell you how they are just the coolest thing since sliced bread. Never seen anything like it before in my life. Take your daughter bowling Saturday night or go to the movies...or do something and if/when she calls on your cell phone to ask if you are okay, either 1. don't answer. or 2. answer and tell her you can't hear her for all the noise but that you'll call her tomorrow (Sunday) afternoon sometime (because you are either taking the kids to church, or you are taking them out for brunch). After all. If you're cleaning that much, you sure don't want to dirty up the dishes!

Melissa

She's either deleting her messages or she has a second "affair" cellphone.

Or they may have cooled it for awhile.

No matter; the keylogger will turn it up if there's anything there. In the meantime, just work on YOU, as Mellenmack says.

Puppy