Our visitation agreement says that we alternate days so my time will be equal with my Ws. My W and I are both clear about making this as easy on D8 as possible. We do have the answers to most of these questions.
We will be seeing the MC(really family counselor) on Thursday and will discus this with her.
I'm so glad you are making sure you get equal time. I'm always amazed at dads that just do weekends. I'm also glad that both you and your W are doing everything to make this easy on your D. Loved the skating pictures. She really is a cutie.
Whatdidido, thanks, my D is a cutie. Her personality is just as sweet.
Thanks for all your help.
Not much change today. W was up most of the night. We don't have much interaction after the last talk about the separation. We go to MC tomorrow. The topic will be how to tell D8 on Friday and some discussion of a separation agreement.
You are in for some difficult times, yet I can tell you that a sense of 'normality' will indeed return! It just takes a month or two.
Are you going to help W move her stuff out? I did. It was hard, but looking back I feel good about it. It also showed my kids that we would still work together, even if we lived apart.
My thread, Carpe Diem #4 Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1
W and I went to MC yesterday. I thought we would talk about the pending separation next week. The MC asked her how she was feeling about our R. She said she was scared again. MC asked about her father and if she was bringing in her feelings about that relationship into the M.
That opened her up...we spent the rest of the time talking about the abusive relationship she had with her father. She would ask me to explain when she got too emotional to continue or needed me to validate for the MC. I know most of the things that happened but had not heard her talk about the physical abuse.
It really seems that her fear of me is tied to her father in some way. She even admitted that and the MC re-inforced it. The MC has asked that W do some work on herself to deal with her issues with her father. She told her that until she does so, all of her relationships will have problems.
I felt like a spectator yesterday. I'm ready to walk away from the M and have separated emotionally in order to save myself. I don't think I can go back into this...
This is limbo squared...spouse rips you to shreds, you move on, spouse does work on themselve, you don't want back...
This is a crazy way to dance...
I do feel calm and at peace. A good friend said last night...the climate is bright and sunny, the tsunami is whipping around.
I just wanted to tell you that, if she wants to come back to the marriage, you CAN get back into the marriage. You can do it. I know you can. I understand the need to pull back emotionally to protect yourself, though. You don't see it now, but there is a plan to all of this. Keep praying.
whatdidido, thanks so much for you post. You have such great insight and your relationship with your H is an inspiration to many of us on this site. I do understand that a couple can make a M work if they both are willing to make that choice. W has not indicated that she wants to make that choice.
I now have had time to think about this R. Here is what I feel.
The first...I will not be her second choice or be her back up plan. If she decides that either OM or her new life is not what she wants then she will need to continue without me. I don't see how she can convince me differently. Does anyone here want to volunteer to be a back up plan?
Second...even if she decides to work on the M, I am not willing to go back to what we had. Right now she is not capable of being a good partner in a R and I don't think she can change.
It occurred to me that she is taking over the MC sessions to work on herself and not on our relationship. You can argue that she needs to work on herself. I agree.
On Saturday we talked to D8 about W moving out. We tried to keep it light and age appropriate. D8 came over to me and got in my lap. We told her we could all go see the new apartment together, but D8 said she did not want to see it. She immediately asked me about when we would get the Golden Retriever. I think she goes there now when she does not want to think about her Mom's move.
D8 was clinging to W after. She asked W to go to church with us and W did so. Towards the end of the service, W went to the foyer and D8 got tears in her eyes.
W is moving out sometime this week. We cleaned out our storage space and started dividing up our stuff on Saturday.
I am feeling OK with the move. Just sad that it is affecting D8. W seems cold and frosty to both of us.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
