Hi guys, I am sitting here and trying to figure out if I am missing something and as a result fail to share here too. How did I end up with such a puzzle in my hands? I am definitely missing some pieces, there is no other wayto explain this.
He called again and said he will call not to wake up the kids to let me know when to open the door for him. So, he is still coming afteral...
Going dark is not a option. We are following C's suggestions and if I go dark it will be just a way to stall things.
This week we must write what we can do to ease each others'fears. I have the feeling that will be interesting...
I hope you can find a way to enjoy your time together tonight...I am soooo pulling for you and your H to pull things together. It seems so frustrating from across the ocean...
I'm pulling for you too, (((((Kalni mou))))! Missed you
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
I've gleaned a lot from reading today and while I do have to say that his emotion is a positive after having nothing from him for so long, I agree w/John that this is heading in the wrong direction.
As for what to do, I say stay w/the C's recommendations. I know Sara is concerned the C's work is causing you to doubt yourself, but I'm not sure this is coming from the C, but more coming from inside of you. Remember, you are working on you still in your IC, so there are things you will see now that you don't like and will hope to change.
What I will agree w/from Sara is to not let things become negative w/your self-judging. Remember, NO JUDGING TODAY! Maybe you will tomorrow, but the court is closed today. If you keep this in your head every day, you'll make it through one more day w/out picking yourself apart.
Gypsy summed this up by writing to you:
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It's a choice a day.. one choice a day. Who do you want to be today? How do you want this day to be? It's all yours, my dear friend. There are no rights or wrongs.
Good advice for us all.
What I see as the principle issue is still the same: Your H needs major work inside his own head. Until he goes through IC w/a serious focus on his own self-improvement, to me this seems like running up hill on a sheet of ice.
Jeff can see it as can Lanzo. Jeff said:
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I think that as long as he is trying to figure out what to do to "make you happy" he isn't getting it. His focus is on the wrong person. Everthing else he said supports that, this just makes it totally clear. If he is just worried about making you happy, he isn't thinking about making himself happy. And if he isn't happy, we know where this ends up!
Bingo! The first hurdle is for H to get out of his own way and he won't accomplish that until he sees his own IC. He has established some tremendous defense mechanisms that are so entrenched, he isn't sure what the truth is any more. That is scary.
Lanzo also pointed out and commented about
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H's job which I think is used as a smoke screen or barrier to avoid over exposure to you.
While I think Lanzo has hit on something, to me it needs to be looked at a bit deeper. It is clear to me that H's job is used to help define himself as a man. He clings to this job for acceptance or whatever that he was lacking from his youth. He won't leave the job and doesn't know why work is more important to him than family or love.
Until he finds this out, you won't be 1st and neither will your kids.
It just seems like the answers you need are buried so deep in H that until he goes to IC, you'll continue to be frustrated. Like a lot of our sitches here, it seems like most of the issues are not about us, but about them.
This isn't to say we're perfect (and you're not a bitch, by the way), but we here seem to be willing to look at our imperfections (Gypsy's attitude on the subject is what we all need to copy), embrace them and work to make ourselves better.
We are in this situation b/c we were 1/2 of a flawed equation. Until both halves admit their faults and contributions to the mess, nothing of note can happen.
You also asked for what to do, right? I would suggest you present him with the list you presented to us here on the board:
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I guess a real apology, although romantic, seems important to me. I need the story. I NEED the story. I dont want the story. I NEED it. I wish he loved me enough to get over his guilt and selfshiness and approach me, hold me, talk to me sweetly and show me love. I wish he was strong enough to watch me cry, hear me out, discuss, explain and spend time healing. One time for 5 hours, next for 3, next for 1 and then leave it all behind. But I cant have discussions with boundaries and not permitted areas by him. He would have to be ready and willing to talk about anything and everything.
Be this direct and see what happens. It may not be the time to give it straight to him, but perhaps this is something you need to print out for your C. I think she at least should read these words and then help you with how to relay it to H.
You also asked for what to do, right? I would suggest you present him with the list you presented to us here on the board:
Quote:
I guess a real apology, although romantic, seems important to me. I need the story. I NEED the story. I dont want the story. I NEED it. I wish he loved me enough to get over his guilt and selfshiness and approach me, hold me, talk to me sweetly and show me love. I wish he was strong enough to watch me cry, hear me out, discuss, explain and spend time healing. One time for 5 hours, next for 3, next for 1 and then leave it all behind. But I cant have discussions with boundaries and not permitted areas by him. He would have to be ready and willing to talk about anything and everything.
Be this direct and see what happens. It may not be the time to give it straight to him, but perhaps this is something you need to print out for your C. I think she at least should read these words and then help you with how to relay it to H.
I am very tired and trying to think of soemthing to help the 'puzzle' you have ...I think you should let your walls down, let your anger go.. instead of get "excited" or mad, when he tells you about work.. can you simply say, I feel hurt you dont want to spend time with me, but swapped your day off? I dont get angry, rarely.. I go straight to tears, because thats what anger is, its hurt isnt it and underneath the anger is the hurt and upset.. but you dont show him that, you just show him the anger and it p*sses him off and he gets angry back (maybe he doesnt show you his hurt?)..
so why do you keep doing that? Getting mad, or irritated as soon as you see him? Is it because you are still so hurt and he has done little to relieve or mend that? Are you afraid to let him back into your soul in case he wreaks more damage? I dont know, just asking !!
Lastly, I thought Lanzo's observaton was very insightful and we touched on this, that he is still in contact with OW and I asked you how much was she still in his head and a threat to this reconciliation.. and as Lanzo said.. he is using work as a smokescreen to 'avoid' letting you get too close.. I thikn that is an insightful remark. Its a device...of course he could leave work earlier or take more leave, if he REALLY wanted to see you, so he is using it as a block I thikn. Probably unconciously too, he may not even be conciously aware he is doing it.
Try doing something different when he comes over?? Let your barriers down? Show him the squidgy centre?? Maybe he will respond better? If I am wrong, or that is too scary.. then ignore me!
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Thank you all... I am fine, dont worry. Things may look ...weird but hey...,no use complaining.
H came over after midnight. We talked for 5 minutes while he was getting to bed and then I fell asleep. During the night, I did again snuggled close to him and kissed him (not on the lips). he accepted my kisses and "tapped" my hand on his shoulder...
We had lunch and left. He bought tickets to go to a show tomorrow with the kids, a Disney show of some kind. Nothing exciting to report. I realised when he is around my face looks stiff and distant. I am totally different than how I looked when he decided he wanted back. Because I was happy then and I guess it must be true what they say: happy people are attractive. So to him, I must look like I tricked him. He wanted "that" Maria and he got the good old Maria he wanted to divorce...Ooops! There, I think that he must really feel he got a bad bargain again.
I am thinking of what you are telling me. I think I have a lot to deal with on a personal level. More than imagined previously.
