Unfortunately, Vicky, this is very common. My wife is from a VERY close-knit, traditional Italian family -- talks to her mother EVERY SINGLE DAY. During my wife's affair, when her dad told her how upset her mother was, my wife told him "Well, she's just going to have to get over it," and then they didn't even SPEAK for over three weeks.
In a way, I sometimes want H and I to work this M out so that H can reconcile with his family too. I hate the way things are with them. I love my in-laws and they love me too. And I just hate how all this has divided us. And to think just the other day I was coaching H's mom, who is much less forgiving than I am, telling that she needs to embrance H's son and to be the bigger person. And now this. How mean!! Thank God for my mom who still tries to understand H b/c she told me that it's not that H doesn't care, its that he has to put up a front for his ego. But come on now.
Need to vent... I think I am growing to hate my H. I am soooo mad at him that I just wish that right now I truly wish I had selective amnesia to forget alllll about him!!! So yesterday I went to see MIL in ICU. Prettimuch all of my H's siblings were there to see her, and H did not show up at all. Even my mom and sister went to see her. And I was so mad that I confided in FIL that I called H and he was disinterested and even though I told him not to say anything, he told the family. MIL was upset and said what I thought wasthe worse thing ever through the oxygen tank: don't let him come to the funeral. I don't blame her I totally blame H for creating this mess.
He actually had the nerve to call me just now which he hasn't since Sunday and then acts like nothing is wrong. At first I said hello and then I hanged up the phone. He then calls back asking why did I hang up Why??? Because I can't stand you right now... but I didn't say that. I said very harsh that I was busy and can't talk to him. I don't want to argue with H and right now I feel like I want nothing to do with him. I've been thinking how could H walk away from 15 years of being together but now I KNOW he can since he can walk away from 35 years of being with him mother. This is really telling to me right now. I'm thinking that since H's family has gone dark on him I should too. Let be out there by himself, oh, I guess he has OW, his son, and her daughter to be there for him. Since he acts like they are the only important people we all need to leave his a** alone, especially me. I just can't believe him.
OMG, the best night last nigth. Just in case some of you have been reading my previous posts about MIL sickness and H's poor behavior, here's an update. So last night I went to see MIL and there I walked in and first saw in the hospital lobby was H's son with my sister in law. And there was H in MIL's room. He came through!!! I was so happy. This felt like such a breakthrough b/c H has been so distant with his family all on account of this whole mess. H was loving and caring to his mom. He said that yesterday at work he started to cry and he thought that he forgave he and decided that he had to come and see her. He plans on going today again to see her. It was nice to see the man that I feel in love with in full living color. He was always so caring of me and his mom. Although he's not so caring of me right now it was still nice to see that. So H was there with his son as well and at first I was very distant and didn't say anything to the boy. H and I had enough arguments where he told me to stay away from him. Then I remembered DB saying that I need to change my actions if I want a change. So H's sister and I were leaving and I turned back and called H who was also leaving shortly after and I talked with his son. Gave him hig five and all. It was really nice. H even filled me in on his life for that brief moment and told me about his job, etc. He even kissed me goodbye in front
Although I must say in the aftermath I felt awful. Seeing how H is such a good father to his son I was sooooo jealous. H is definitely the father I thought he would be and I told him that last night. He is so great with kids. His son adores him immensely. All I would think is that damn OW has my good man. I guess she knows a good thing. This was such an awful feeling knowing that H and I were trying for so long to have kids and then to see him with his son being such a great father. I couldn't sleep last night at all. I guess I should be happy for them but I can't help but feel sorry for myself. This just sucks in a way.
OMG, counting baby steps here. H just called me to fill me in on a bad fight his co-workers had. He's bringing me back into his life for sure. I definitely will try to keep my cool and not push too much. Although I did call him back to tell him by the way that I like his son. One of my goals was to bring H's son into OUR lives and to cross that bridge since I know a big source of our contention has been Htrying to balance two lives with me as one and his son which includes OW as the other. Hope this works. I could tell that H was happy that I said that.
I am glad that your H showed up after all. That is great. I think you did real well with everything. Just stay focused and keep it light and upbeat. Think before you speak:) And definately don't push.
YES Pooh, I definitely cannot push because I know H is the kind of person that if I push he pushes back. Funny thing is that I know this and still I push push push issues. Thanks for the encouragement. My only fear as always is to not allow him to cake eat as he is capable of doing. Having me as his good friend and also having OW. That's why I'm thinking I need to bring son over on our side. And it is better for the boy to have his daddy in whole without all the guilt. let's see what happens.
I'm so glad to hear H came through for him mother (he would have eventually regretted that HUGELY), and that you guys are forging a friendship. Definitely keep being nice, a great listener, pleasant to talk to, etc... but keep those expectations low! Yes, he has you as his good friend and OW.... But let her be the jealious one who hates that he talks to you... and you be the healthy one who can be this giving and beautiful friend who can move on, focus on herself, heal, grow and be prepared for whatever the future brings. What's meant to be will happen...
If for any reason he does end up staying with her, make sure you are the woman he should have never let go of. The woman who OW can never live up to being.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I guess she knows a good thing. This was such an awful feeling knowing that H and I were trying for so long to have kids and then to see him with his son being such a great father. I couldn't sleep last night at all. I guess I should be happy for them but I can't help but feel sorry for myself. This just sucks in a way.
Thanks for the encouragement. My only fear as always is to not allow him to cake eat as he is capable of doing. Having me as his good friend and also having OW. That's why I'm thinking I need to bring son over on our side. And it is better for the boy to have his daddy in whole without all the guilt. let's see what happens.