Ok, I went back to only your last thread and this one and this is what I found, in relation to you contacting/talking to wife:
12/20- "..had a short convo with wife last night..." 12/21- "...the wife called...", you call her, she asks you to stay for dinner 12/22- You email her (you ask about doughnut), she calls and you have 2 hour convo, you invite her to Christmas 12/23- You call w about kids fighting, then you email her (joke around), she calls again. 12/24- She forwards you an email 12/25- She comes for Christmas (you don't share about that) 12/26- Email exchanges between both of you, joking again, she meets you at mall for an hour, you send email to yahoo account 12/31- you have some convo with w, joking around, she calls 2 times, you invite to dinner, she declines 1/1- She calls and tries to chit chat 1/2- You email, she calls, you finish email, you joke with her again, you invite her to marble falls 1/3- You talk to w at night 1/4- She calls, you give her burgers 1/6- wife calls, wants you to bail her out since she is running late, you meet her in lot, joke around 1/8- You email her another witty remark and go back and forth
So........seems to me there is a lot of contact and even if it is kid related it is very jokey/chatty. YOu invite her all of the time to eat or come with you places. If there is no kid related thing, she or you seem to contact each other anyway.
Sugar is right about the damage control of spouses that have had affairs. When you make her feel the conseqences she tries to make herself feel better either by getting angry or sucking you back to friendship. LIke Karen said, I think if you let her miss the sweet,kind, funny guy that you are she just may come around a lot quicker.
Except for the funny & sweet part I think the same could/has been said for me and my H.
I def. think the funny and sweet part could be said about you too, Corey!!! Also, Puppy, I've been trying to tell you--I'm not as smiley and sweet as I used to be at least I don't think so. I haven't put a smiley in any of my emails to H in about 3 weeks or so. (Although I admit sometimes it's really, really hard and I have to talk myself out of just one!!!) Karen
I think that is the wall you are up against Roger. Do you want her to be your wife or just a friend? Make that choice and then act accordingly. If you want her as a friend keep going as you are, if you want her as your wife...cut it out!
Karen is getting strong isn't she? More and more times she is calling it as she sees it and isn't presenting it with question marks. I am so proud of her.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
If you are going the friend route then you have to clear the deck concerning the marriage. Unless you plan on being a monk!! If you do start the dating scene....remember you are still a role model for your kids....your wife seems to have forgotten that. If you want them to know that it is not alright for married people to have girlfriends/boyfriends, then the marriage must be done first. Not just done in your mind (Like your wife thinks) but legally terminated. Unfortunately that takes time and you will be sitting there knowing your wife doesn't wait but that is the price you pay for your kids!!
Ok, I went back to only your last thread and this one and this is what I found, in relation to you contacting/talking to wife:
12/20- "..had a short convo with wife last night..." 12/21- "...the wife called...", you call her, she asks you to stay for dinner 12/22- You email her (you ask about doughnut), she calls and you have 2 hour convo, you invite her to Christmas 12/23- You call w about kids fighting, then you email her (joke around), she calls again. 12/24- She forwards you an email 12/25- She comes for Christmas (you don't share about that) 12/26- Email exchanges between both of you, joking again, she meets you at mall for an hour, you send email to yahoo account 12/31- you have some convo with w, joking around, she calls 2 times, you invite to dinner, she declines 1/1- She calls and tries to chit chat 1/2- You email, she calls, you finish email, you joke with her again, you invite her to marble falls 1/3- You talk to w at night 1/4- She calls, you give her burgers 1/6- wife calls, wants you to bail her out since she is running late, you meet her in lot, joke around 1/8- You email her another witty remark and go back and forth
So........seems to me there is a lot of contact and even if it is kid related it is very jokey/chatty. YOu invite her all of the time to eat or come with you places. If there is no kid related thing, she or you seem to contact each other anyway.
Sugar is right about the damage control of spouses that have had affairs. When you make her feel the conseqences she tries to make herself feel better either by getting angry or sucking you back to friendship. LIke Karen said, I think if you let her miss the sweet,kind, funny guy that you are she just may come around a lot quicker.
I know what you are saying, h4h. You are trying to be the nice, sweet guy that you SHOULD be. It's who you are and it's a good way to be. But, can you see that it isn't right to act like nothing is wrong with your wife, that it's ok for her to be with another man while you are married, even if you ARE separated? It's not right to act like it's fine. If you want to act "nice" because you believe it is the right way to be, then you are going to have to tell her every time you see her how wrong she is because if you aren't going to show her you at least need to tell her.
What would Jesus do? He would forgive, but he wouldn't praise and support someone doing the wrong thing. He would try to teach them. Usually with a parable. You could always do that.....
Wow, beej. Were you a private investigator in your past life?
In person, I don't act like everything is fine. When we're together for something, I can see the guilt on her face. I don't act all sad or down, I act as non-chalant as I can. Even on the phone, I really try to NOT be chatty with her. The long phone convo on that Monday, I heard her out first, then things started going back and forth.
Its my emails or when we would IM, that I over do it. Our phone convo's and in person meets are strained at best, but I do see number of contact.
Not sure if it does any good to remind her of her 'Scarlet letter'. She just goes into defense mode. I suppose that I do need to remind her that I'm not ok with our sitch sometimes. But that would seem to lead to an R talk, which I don't want.
A parable? Hmmm. I'll try to think of one.
Thanks for the kind word, karen. FINALLY!
And beej, two days and no contact at all!
Last edited by hopeful4her; 01/09/0909:23 PM.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
Karen
If you do start the dating scene....remember you are still a role model for your kids....your wife seems to have forgotten that. If you want them to know that it is not alright for married people to have girlfriends/boyfriends, then the marriage must be done first. Not just done in your mind (Like your wife thinks) but legally terminated. Unfortunately that takes time and you will be sitting there knowing your wife doesn't wait but that is the price you pay for your kids!!