Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy A new phase..Future uncertain-imagine that!

Vdad,

I really have to agree with Puppy. Remember that most (if not all) WAS's are cake eaters. They want it all. Of course she wants your friendship for several reasons: it shows that you are ok with what she is doing and validates her actions, it will make things seem ok to the kids, you will be there for her on the back burner if things go bad with the OM, and you are someone she's had in her life for a long time, so losing that completely will be hard for her. Be very careful with what you are thinking your W's actions mean. I've seen this same behavior with my W and it's led to nothing more than her saying how great we are as friends but that she's just not in love with me. Don't let your W eat cake. Remember that gluttony is a deadly sin!

WP

I think the waywards like staying friends because it makes them feel better that everything has worked out for the better and at least we are still friends. It makes it look like a mutual decision to those on the outside and them less of the bad guy.

Don't make this easy on her. The more pressure on the affair the more likely it will implode. Don't go along for the ride with your wife steering the boat....poke as many holes in the boat and then jump ship.

Thanks all,

I'm getting the following:

1. Any contact with the OM should elicit a further detachment from me?
2. My surveillence is unknown to her right now and I don't want to change that.
3. No contact with OM for about a week now.
4. Moving out this weekend...(I know Mel....) Ideas on how to interact going forward from there?

She seems to be changing but I hear what you are saying above. I have no desire to subsidize her OM addiction or connect with her on the marriage until that cycle is broken...

What now then?

Jeff

Vdad,

Remind me, why are you the one moving out?

WP

WP,

HOuse in forclosure. SHe says sep or divorce. She will have to be out in 90 days and get her own place. So I am controlling my own circumstances. Living where I want to live and keeping my kids in their school district.

Stay the course.

Give nothing; expect nothing.

As for #1, I'd recommend that you be fully detached ANYWAY at this point. As for #2, yes -- NEVER reveal the source of your intel!

Puppy

Oh, got it. I was afraid that she was staying in the house with the kids. I second what Puppy says about revealing your sources--I did that and really regret it.

Pup,

Thanks. It's tough sometimes as she changes where she's at to know the best route to take. New territory here.

The more I seem to detach and GAL (which I am doing for me by the way). The more she is drawn back it seems. Or it could be an illusion so staying the course is the best choice I agree.

I will need you you all in the weeks and months to come. You all have been lifesavers...

Thanks,

Jeff

Gotta agree.

Sometimes staying the course is hard because what we are doing hasn't made our Ss see the light and run straight home to us. That's partly me. I'm not expecting him to run straight home, no matter how much I WISH he would. But staying the course is hard for me because I want to see results. Often, I don't wonder if the results are there, but they are small (baby steps) so I don't see them. I don't think I give one path long enough to work before I am DRIVEN to try another one. Sooner or later this is something I need to get under control, but I'm not sure THIS is the time I need to learn it. I'm not sure THIS is the time I CAN learn it.

Melissa

Hi Mellenmack,

I think we're all right there with you. I try one thing for a week or two and then move on to something else because I'm not sure if the other thing was working and so on and so on. I think, at least for me, that the most important and beneficial (and hardest) thing to do is to focus on myself and takning care of me. We probably all want to control the situation, but it's impossible to control. I'm trying to let go and let God.

WP