Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers My Sad WAH Story: Is there Hope?

Don't know if I mentioned this but H lives at a friends house.
I know he hates it there but financially he just can't do anything else right now.
He pays all of our bills still and we have a house that we are refinancing until we can sell.
The friend is a bachelor who drinks almost 24/7. Functioning alcoholic.

ok well, i just want to say what i thought was an ow and an EA in my sitch, i found out right before thanksgiving, was a long affair and they had had a child. soooooooooo at least you are thinking there could be, as it has been mentioned on your thread.
there is so much hope on these boards, and a lot of real life. sandi2 is my adopted mommy, she is an angel sent by god.

how bout you leave the door cracked instead of closed? GAL really it helps!

{{{MIP}}}

I'm so sorry to see that you are here, but I want you to know that this is a great place. Just reading other stories is encouraging. You have some wonderful people responding to your posts as well.

I can very much relate to your problem. I think you are doing great, and the books that youa re getting are wonderful. I agree that confirming for sure the OW isn't always helpful. My H continues to claim they are/were "just friends". I snooped for a long time, but later discovered that is only altered how I felt that day and had no effect on H. When I stopped looking, I found it easier to focus on myself and how I was feeling.

You asked me on my thread what I did, and the best answer I have is I GAL and focused on me. Throughout my M, and I imagine yours as well, my kids and H have been my main focus. When all of this started, I thought about what I needed from me and started to go for it. Find a hobby, go out with girlfriends, make plans without thinking about what H is doing, be a little unavailable. Work everyday on being the best MIP and mom you can be. That is attractive and obviously your H has already noticed.

I think my H thought he was my whole life, and now that he is seeing that I CHOOSE him instead of NEED him, he is realizing more of the gift that I am. Your H may see that as well. I also started taking better care of my home and physical appearance, partly to show H that I am a beautiful person and you are missing out.

Hang in there, keep posting, and you will be in my prayers.
God Bless!
K

Are you on face book?

You have met one of my "adopted daughters" and I have some more that I may send your way tomorrow. They are my sweeties and I call them that for a reason. You will have special support with them.


Sandi2

Hey, MIP.

I believe that there is definitely hope, and you can read many success stories in the archives here on the board. What is a real challenge is to detach from your H and "have no expectations", and yet maintain hope.

We are all on this emotional rollercoaster, and the best advice I can give is to take one day at a time (or one minute at a time if you have to) and be kind to yourself! Become your own best friend!

This may sound wierd, but I recommend getting a teddy bear (or some reasonable facsimile) and a blanky (security blanket). It sounds silly, but it does help! It's a way to "comfort your inner child" so to speak.

Also, I have found that reading self help books helps a lot. Not just books on marriage and relationships, but books women's issues, and parenthood, and relaxation, and diet/exercise.......just about anything that catches your eye and is about concentrating on getting in touch with YOU, and how to be the best you you can be.

And, if you are not already, sign up on the alternate universe (i.e. facebook) and find me under "SChrldr". Sandycay and I are in the lower Puget Sound area. Where in WA are you?

Hang in there!!! (((((hugs)))))

Hello MIP,

One of the things that has helped my sitch immensely, which I don't ever hear of here, neither does it seem to be in DR or DB, is to own up, or take responsiblity for the behavior in our M that most hurt or damaged the R.

Whenever I have done this,( and by the way, this can't be an opportunity to blast spouse about their behavior), it has done the most good in causing my W to become thoughtful and slow down, even engage in some insightful dialogue.

If an OW is involved, it is unfortunate bc it will cloud the whole sitch between you. It is like a bandaid on his relational wounds. But an OW isn't your problem. The question you should be asking is: Is there anything in my behavior that would cause my H to want to find someone else?

Anyway, your H will vascillate back and forth, if my experience with my W and these boards tell me anything, so be prepared for the long haul and learn as much as you can here and other reading.

If you can get anything from Ellen Krideman, it is well worth reading

Also the 5 love languages is a good book. Author's name escapes me at the moment. Maybe Gary Chapman ?

[[[[[[Babygirl]]]]]] I can't even imagine the pain you feel/felt with your H's having a child with the ow. My H can't have anymore, he had the snip snip. lol Yes, gal is what I'm working on now. I really need that, for my own sanity. and my door is always cracked, just in case. It just getting a little bit cold in here. brrrrrrrrrrr

sonshyn, I did get my books yesterday. Started "love must be tough" last night and finished it today. It does tend to focus a lot on affairs, but the message is good. Sometimes I just feel like we are too far gone or at least he is for us to be able to heal and move forward together. I've just gotta keep praying and taking care of me.

Sandycay, yes I'm on facebook. my name is my profile so I don't want to announce it here. But I just requested to be friends with schldr. You can PM me and I'll tell ya too.

Sandi2, Thank you for your kind words, every single one helps.

Silent Chrleeder, I am on FB and I requested you as a friend. It's funny you mentioned the teddy bear, my d8 found one for me that I gave her a while back. It used to me mine when I was little. She told me to sleep with it so that I would sleep better. I am on my 2nd book today, DR. lol And I need to start exercising! Lost almost 20lbs on the lbs diet, but put a few back on since I quit smoking. lol I am about 45 minutes south of Olympia! PM Me and I'll tell you where exactly.

Native, Yes, I did that right in the beginning then I got angry when he wouldn't own up to his part in our problems. I know, backslid bigtime. I didn't know what I was doing now after 2 months I have to start over. Isn't Ellen Krideman the Light Her/His Fire Author? If so, I have both of those programs. Didn't have the guts to give it to H. I also have the 5 love languages and His needs, Her Needs.

Sometimes I just want to find H, grab him and shake him and tell him he is making the biggest mistake of his life. After these 2 months I've learned so much about myself and what when wrong in our M. BUT I know that it wouldn't do any good if I did because nothing matters if he isn't interested. Which is what he is showing me, he has no interest in me or us.

hey mip, yes its hard, BUT still here working!! glad you dont have that worry lol!! so good to hear you are GALING it so helps! since you found the alt, i am on SC's my name is traci. find me and get me, I will look for you too!!

we will help you on this journey. rearlly, we all understand.

HUGS!

hey i tried to find ya on the alt and couldnt!! hope tonite is well with you!