hi...my name is shawn and boy do we have some problems....i dont even know where to start. we have been together going on 14 yrs now and things are starting to get rocky.. communication is down sex is down united front with kids is down.. there just doesent seem to be anything going right and i dont know what to do.. i feel like everything i say is wrong or at least im told that anyway...and i mean everything!! to the point that if i say something is black she will come back with its really dark grey or the like. we argue about everything,and if amber gets backed into a corner with truth or logic she wigs and tries to get physical....i have never hit my wife but i will grab her and sit her down..she doesent mind screaming at me in front of the kids. as far as sex....i am the only one to say or try to do anything. she will set and tell me she doesent ever have any urges or fantasy at all.. im just starting to think she just doesent want me around..but when i ask her about it (which usually leads to another fight) she says that is not the case. she wont agree to councel (doesent want to be told shes wrong or let me have a word in) ive even gone through thinking bipoler or hormonal but getting her to a doc is out of the question too i just dont know what to do anymore... help please
One of the few that hasn't been told by his wife that she wants out. That's refreshing.
First suggestion: Get the divorce remedy, read through it, and try to put some things into practice. Perhaps get "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.
Second suggestion: The most important thing about divorce busting is to realize that it starts with you. What you wrote was entirely focused on what you wife is either doing wrong (nagging, being angry, getting physical) or not doing right (isn't having sex, going to counseling). If you look at her failings, you really won't get anywhere. Those are her issues. Want to help navigate those? Then do something different. Look at how you have been interacting and change it. There are things you are doing wrong; work to correct them. It's up to you because you are the one interested in change. So what can you do differently?
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
im sorry i didnt want to come across as bashing but i have no idea like i said im wrong on everything... even at the problems im seeing and the things i feel. i have read so much over the past few yrs and nothing seems to work....if i try to get her involved then everybody else becomes wrong too. i dont drink or do drugs i dont leave the house for social activity with out her or the kids. i do help around the house as well as bring gifts of affection home. i do love my wife but talking to her is impossable anymore.
i dont leave the house for social activity with out her or the kids.
Well, there's your first problem. That's not healthy, and I suggest you start your focus here. Do you know what "GAL" means, as it's referred to on here? "Get a Life" -- do things for YOU, that YOU have always wanted to do. Join a bowling team. Volunteer at an animal shelter. Meet some buds for a beer or to shoot some pool 1x/week (don't overdo this). What would you do if you were divorced? Do THAT.
I agree with Phoenix, you're WAY too focused on her -- right down to your username. This should be about SHAWN right now, not about Amber.
sorry u misunderstood agian...i do have a life.i do do things on my own and have my own hobbies....what i ment was im not one to leave her with kids for hrs all the time while i go have a good time. as for the screenname, im not the only one here. this is for both of us..she just thinks its not going to do any good. quote "what the @#$! do they know"
Not a good idea either, in my opinion. She needs to do things for HER, and you need to do things for YOU.
You sound very enmeshed, or co-dependent upon each other. My wife and I were too -- VERY much so, and very unhealthy.
When you say "hours at a time," do each of you feel comfortable being able to go somewhere for 2-3 hours and do something by yourself or with your same-sex friends, while the other takes care of the kids? Say, once a week?
That's a good one, and I think reasonable to ask. I've been where you are. My wife has been where Amber is. Or maybe it was vise-versa. We've been through this. But honestly, Shawn or Amber, how many times do you see success by repeatedly saying the same thing? People do things differently (change) because they want to, not because they are told to. Sometimes it has to start with you though. Want someone else to change, you change first.
Michael Jackson may be a dork, but the song "Man in the Mirror" is kind of what you are shooting for..."wanna make the world (in this case, your marriage) a better place, take a look in the mirror and make that change. I'm starting with the man (or woman) in the mirror...etc, etc, yada yada"
The fact that you are "both" posting here is at least somewhat hopeful. Marriage can suck. It can be pretty bad. I doubt anyone on here would disagree with me. But if you've been divorced, you'd know that it sucks worse. And the next person to come along has problems too...you just don't see them at first (probably because we don't realize the problems that we bring into the marriage). It's all about perception...take a moment to ask yourself in these scenarios whether it's YOUR problem or YOUR SPOUSES problem. Do you have to fix it? Or can you just listen and try to understand without getting defensive (which seems nearly impossible for a man). I like that you both are at least sharing this, even if we seem full of it. But we're cheaper than a marriage counselor and have been where you are (and maybe have a little experience). Take care.
Me
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
No more fighting, period. If she says the sky is yellow say "Yea it does look yellow today". If she says you are a jerk and don't help around the house (even though you do) so "I understand why you think that, I haven't been all that nice lately and I do need to do more around this place". Agree with everything she says and that will help stop her anger towards you. It's not about right or wrong, it's about her feelings (not yours).
If you find yourself about to argue, remember to agree with anything she says or get out of there before you say/do something.
Don't pressure her for anything (sex, going to an IC, getting on meds, ect) She will resist anything you say. Avoid asking any more R questions, she'll see that as a form of pressure as well. Let her bring things up.
Last edited by RobD70; 02/03/0903:56 PM.
Me:38 W:40 Bomb/EA 03/08 Recon twice 1/09 W files for D Story
no problem with going anywhere with out the other...i reg go hunting for a few days at a time and have other hobbies and friends both shared and not. guess the point was that im not one to run off and leave her with the kids all the time. i do appreciate the comments but you have to understand that i cant seem to find anything im doing wrong. i dont hound her,or ignore her...im just wrong on everything i say. im not a wimpy "yes"man either. lived many yrs without her and could survive withouther just dont want to... as far as both of us posting its just me....she thinks its just wasting my time. cause there isent anything wrong
dont say or do anything??? just agree with everything she says? how then do these problems get addressed and/or resolved? or are you just tring to tell me there is nothing wrong and its just me? is a relationship supposed to be like that? i dont know....i mean i know my written communication and/or spelling isent the best. but i find it hard to belive im supposed to do nothing
I like that you both are at least sharing this, even if we seem full of it. But we're cheaper than a marriage counselor and have been where you are (and maybe have a little experience).