No I haven't read that one. I looked for it in the bookstore, but couldn't find it and haven't gotten around to getting it from Amazon. I did check out the website and read what the five languages are. After reading "His Needs, Her Needs" I thought it might be a bit redundant. Have you read that one, and do you think I should get 5 LL regardless?
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Most definitely, read 5LLs. It doesn't presume the sexes have one love language over the other. Many books I've read assume the "male" language is usually Physical Touch and the "female" language is Acts of Service. I hate those presumptions, because in my sitch, it is the opposite, and it has been a source of ongoing marital conflict.
You can also take away from these principals relating skills for ALL relationships, such as children, parents, co-workers, etc. I haven't read HNHN yet, but I don't think you'll find this reading redundant.
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
(1) You've done tremendous self-improvement - keep at it - keep "pushing your edge" in all the important areas of your life.
Thanks, I have decided this will be a lifelong journey. Somewhere I lost my way. Never again.
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(2) You've read the NMMNG book, so you're aware of the dangers of the "covert contract" - so many men do this in their marriages - it can only end in resentment or worse. At the risk of stating the obvious - DO NOT EVER fall back into the covert contract way of thinking - as in "I've made all these improvements to myself, yet I'm still not getting as much sex as I want, its a waste of time, I'm gonna stop, life's pointless etc etc". As soon as that kind of thought enters your mind - boot it right out again. You've probably realised by now that your mind is the engine of your entire life - thoughts are its fuel - don't sabotage your recovery by clogging up your engine with limiting thoughts again.
Since learning about this concept, it really opened my eyes to how manipulative I had become in my efforts to obtain sex. Don't worry, I truly get it now. I will never go back to that way of thinking again.
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(3) Sexual desire is obviously a powerful urge within most men - but it is simply one manifestation of our unique life force/ energy/ capacity to create (think tall buildings and dams). Its a gift, not a compulsion. Remind yourself often that when you want to have sex with your wife - its you choosing to give her something - if she rejects you, its more her loss than yours and in the words of David Deida "makes no difference to who you already are". In other words sexual desire is a want not a need, its not something that you should ever as a man feel anxious or needy about. That is the kind of confident (not arrogant) vibe you want to put out. And its true - if (being pessimistic for a second) - your wife is simply unwilling to own her sexuality and work with you in having a mutually satisfying sex life, you are now quite able to leave her and find another woman who is. Yes, you have a child, yes, its an extreme measure, but it is a choice you undoubtedly have. So do not ever think of yourself as being "trapped" in an SSM. Its simply not the case - this point is all the more important given that your wife was all for leaving at one point - that doesn't mean she wasn't at fault in her own ways, or that she now has the upper hand.
Thank you very much for this perspective. Although I read Deida's book this concept did not register with me the way it is registering with me right now. I think perhaps I was not ready to accept it. It will take me some time to own this concept since it is the polar opposite of my current perspective that sex is my need to be filled, as opposed to my gift to give. It feels like they are both pieces of the same puzzle, but I can't get my head around making them both fit yet.
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(4) I've learnt a lot on this forum very recently about how women think about sex, how they need to be mentally seduced and opened up prior to the physical act itself. You're probably starting to work these things out already e.g. your latest post. If you have time, I recommend you look through the threads of Bagheera (male) and DanceQueen (female) who have both given me a lot of useful knowledge on this point - too much to condense here!
Thanks for mentioning this also. In all the years of my W complaining, I don't know why I didn't realize this before. Blame was blocking my ability to see it.
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(5) I am very pleased to see you refer in your latest post to "optimism" - see my own signature.
Thanks, I am actually a very optimistic person at heart. I truly believe there is nothing you cannot conquer if you are truly willing to give it your all and move forward despite fear. W would likely say "yeah right!" lol.
Thanks again for your post, the timing and content was perfect for me.
SF
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
W told me last night that she will get to reading the first two chapters of SSM soon. I asked her when and she said "somewhere between the work I have to catch up on, the homework I have to do for school, spending time with D4...etc"
I just laughed and said "It's okay, no pressure". She promised again to read it soon. Having her reading those two chapters is my next goal, my next baby step.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
My husband read the first half of SSM last summer (about 7 months ago), put the book in a drawer, and never said a word about it. During our recent "big discussion," he said that the book helped him understand quite a bit. However, he took no action at the time. Or, maybe he meant to but kept talking himself out of it. But that's my sitch, not yours.
I hope it impacts her and helps her to start looking inward and working with you sooner rather than later!
I am quietly confident that she will get as much out of it as I did. Bonus would be that it piques her interest and she wants to read the whole book, but I'll just have to wait and see about that.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
W is a bookworm, and also has a hard time putting something down once she gets into it.
*Finger's crossed*
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Books marked with (m) or (w) indicate books written primarily for men or women respectively.
"Divorce Busting" by MWD "The Divorce Remedy" by MWD "The Sex Starved Marriage" by MWD "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard Harley Jr. "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover (m) "Way of the Superior Man" by David Deida (m) "Hold on to Your N.U.T.S." by Wayne Levine (m) "Getting Real" by Susan Campbell
This list will be updated as I find more books that I feel make the grade.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
