Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Walk-Away-Spouse Need some answers from posters in this forum......

sandi2

from your husbands perspective were you providing for all his needs???

nope

do you know the definition of insanity??

so sad sandi you were/are constantly looking outside of yourself to make you happy ONLY YOU CAN DO THAT!!!

when a woman expects her husband to make them happy, she will always be a WAW because only you can make you happy,

Sandi you let his thoughts, actions and "what he did or didn't do" affect you and your happiness

if your boss yells at you about your perfomance are you going to take that home to your kids? they don't deserve it

so when you start letting life dictate your emotional state you have WAS

you must create your own happiness no one will be able to do it for you, no matter who that person is spouse or EA/PA

immaturity doesn't mean age

it's about the way someone handle life situations

Dear alexjadams, I understand everything you said in your post to me.



How do you know that I wasn't constantly looking outside of myself for something or somebody to make me happy? I read the books such as "Happiness is a Choice" and dozens of others like that, so I know where you are coming from. I HAD to make myself happy for over 40 years! I sure couldn't depend on anybody else to do it. I found that out at a young age.

Try to look at it this way.......I bet if your wife had not slept with you in over 20 years and had not had sex with you in over (now it's been 13 years), and was not showing any affection or giving any of her time or attention to you, we would be hearing you cry out your frustrations and pain in a different song. I don't care what people do to find other ways of making themselves happy; when they are "married" to what is suppose to be another living person.....they want comanionship and intimacy. Is that not what YOU expect in a marriage relationship? I did not marry for friendship......I already had friends. But, I married for love and intimate comanionship. Of course, I wanted to raise a family and be happy with my H and grow old together. Is that not what every person dreams about?

I had been married to my H less than a month when he got up out of our bed after having sex, to watch TV until he fell asleep. That started a pattern of what would be his routine for the rest of our marriage. I use to beg him to go to bed with me so we could snuggle and talk and let that lead up to having sex, but he never went to bed with me unless he knew it was to have sex....and then he got right back up and left me laying there. I felt like a prostitute. I TRIED to know what his needs were, as I pointed out in my last post. His answer to anything that came up was always...."more sex", and yet nothing I tried ever seem to be enough. The man does not talk. It is like living with a wall! Whenever I tried to talk about our relationship, he never said anything. He mainly continued to watch TV and not even look at me. He did not respond to me. His only answer was always "more sex" and everything would be fine. However, it was his choice to stop having sex altogether. When I tried to talk to him about it......I got nowhere. He would not give me any explanation for it.

Don't you think every person wants emotional intimacy in a MR? If not, then why get M at all? If it is just physcial intimacy, then they can buy that!

I have not read your stitch, but I recogonize the tune to your writing as being a LBH who is bitter against most WAW's and have put them all in the same barrel. But don't judge all by one. Anyway, I would be almost willing to bet that if you had been the person in my shoes and in my stitch.....you would have felt differently or seen things through different eyes than the way you are looking at me now. I did everything I could think to do to bring spark and excitement and happiness into my MR. But, I felt as if I was doing all the giving and I didn't think I was asking for too much in return.....just a little meaningful conversaition......that is all I wanted! I mean, the man will come in and sit down and not say a word if I don't speak to him first.....and then it is just "hey". So, please don't make me out to be some kind of "immature" monster, b/c I don't think I am. I chose to stay with my H of 40+ years knowing that I would probably never have any type of intimacy (physical or emotional) and yes, I know that if I am going to be happy.....I will have to do it on my own. It is just a bit hard to be emotionaly intimate by yourself.

I agree that immaturity does not mean "age". But it is not the "one" pat answer for all WAW's and it certainly was not the problem in my stitch.

There have been some very harsh words come from angry, bitter, spouses on this board and it takes so much courage to come here and admit that you are/were a WAS or was almost one. I have seen bitter people run others away who were reaching out for help b/c they felt attacked. The ONLY reason I even stay around is b/c I would like to pay forward a little of what was given to me when I came. Thank God I had the right people that was willing to help me. Hopefully, I can help a few along the way. But, let me go ahead and clear up a few thing for you in case I've missed something.



I did not expect him to make me happy. I think I have established what I wanted from him, which I thought was what a marriage was mostly about. What do you think a marriage is mostly about between a man and a woman?



You can say that about your boss or anyone else b/c they are not people you are M to and have any intimacy with. And I agree about what you said when it comes to other people, but not when it is a marriage relationship and intimacy that is lacking. So, I beg to differ on that statement. I think you have missed the entire point that I tried very hard to make in my post. It was not his actions or lack of actions as most people think in terms of "actions"......it was no intimacy in a marriage. Don't you get that? Let me say this and I am not trying to be a jerk........but if you are past 60 years of age and you have gone over 40 years without any emotional intimacy and over 12 without any physical intimacy........then I will take to heart more of what you say. However, by your words, it does not sound as if you have been there. If you had, you would be singing a different tune.



Is that what you think? What about people who are not married and allow life to dictate their emotional state?



Let me tell you something sweetie, you have no idea......NO IDEA.....what life has handed me. I could spend hours telling you some of those things, but I won't put you through that--and besides, I doubt it would change your mind. You have your mind made up and I doubt I or any other AWAW could change it. You are right and all the WAW'S are wrong....period! You know it all!

To try to set straight one more thing I think you misunderstood......I DID NOT GO LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY OR SOMETHING TO MAKE ME HAPPY. As usual, I was trying to stay busy and keep myself entertained (for a lack of a better word), but........I was in a very vulnerable condition b/c I had not had any of the things a woman needs to flourish and thrive like she needs to do. Being in that condition, led to my waywardness.



That sounds rather rude and degrading from a young man, and I don't know why you find it necessary to ask that unless it was my reference to my conditiion at the time of my AWAW. I did feel that I was about to have a nervous breakdown and it scared me. I had and still do have health problems that the doctors don't seem to know what to do about. Every doctor I went to said I was way over medicated and then would write out two more prescriptions to give me on top of all I was taking. I had reached the place that my body and mind could barely function and I would start crying at any given time. I felt my neves were shot and I did not know what may happen next. So, I felt that I had no control over myself. I don't feel that I have to give you an explanation to that question---even though I tried. I just don't know why you felt it was important to ask unless it was another chance to take a jab at me. Why do you feel that you want to be angry toward all WAW'S???? (See, it makes about as much sense as you asking me if I know the definition of insanity.)

You may have heard the comparrison of a female being like a flower. If you give a flower the sunshine and water it needs.....it will bloom and become beautiful, but if you neglect it, it withers and dies. A woman is the same way. And, that is the way I felt. No amount of trying to make myself happy replaced what I needed from my husband, and if you don't "get that"......then I think you are the one immature and don't have a clue as to what marriage is all about.

Now, I came here and told about my "uglies" and owned up to what I did wrong, and I don't back down from what I know I did wrong, but neither will I back down from what I know I did try to do right and how I have worked hard for a very long time to keep from walking away from this marriage. It still is not perfect, but I am still here after all these years.


Go in peace, and I hope things will go well for you.

Sandi

sandi

i was in your shoes my wife after our 2nd child never wanted to be with me sexually from 2000 to 2007. she basically cut me off maybe 10 times in 7 years I talked to her I tried express my feelings & my needs a thousand different ways, she didn't hear me

After a while I gave up

Then she went elsewhere, you know where I went wrong? I GAVE UP! I relied on her to make the 1st move hoping & praying she would

Know what I should have done expressed how I expected to be treated be positive that she had a complete understanding, then try 300 ways of Sunday to make it work after about a year I should have got a D

Your problem started when you 1st had sex with your husband & he got up after he was done & watched TV you didn't correct his behavior, so this became his pattern and you accepted it that's why you have what you have

Also to him that's what he thinks is normal, you don't it was partly your fault (like it was mine) to expect this behavior to change, people marry each other with a pre planed rehabilitation program, that's not going to work people are who they are you need to understand yourself and really accept who that person truly is

I bet you were thinking oh he's gonna change and 40 years later...

Generally men don't talk, they are terrified of their emotions, when we get emotional we get physical that's why we spike the ball in football & why we do fist pumps

It's not right but when we get mad or crushed by women we hit, this is the sign of an emotionally immature man

Yes we all want emotional intimacy but some people don't even know what that means, it took me getting cheated on and then me forcing myself to take a long hard look at myself to really understand how I contributed to the demise of my marriage Most of us men think intimacy is sex!


WAW and LBS are easy to categorize because they all have the same thing in common they haven't took the time needed to work on themselves & the marry thinking oh it will get better or change

Go back & reread what you wrote everything is "he did, and he didn't and so on" when you allow others to justify your self worth any relationship will fail

You know what I bet you there is an obese person some where saying if McDonalds didn't make their fries taste so good I wouldn't be over weight! And that not the truth they had a choice, they didn't have to go to McD's 3 times a day for 5 day a week for 2 years straight they had a choice! We choose to stay in our marriages thinking that our spouses were going to change, we chose to marry our spouses, I bet your husband's parents didn't have a good relationship either your husband was imitating what he learned from his parents, like me & you did & I bet you it wasn't a good positive relationship. My father beat my mother I never hit my wife why because it is a choice, I made a choice not to, but I did choose a woman just like my mother because I was unable to save my mother from the abuse she got from my father, you know what I wasn't mature enough to handle the responsibility of saving another life that requires a world full of patience and understanding, that I didn't have (and maybe I still don't)

You keep stating what you thought a marriage was, maybe that isn't what he thought a marriage was, you should have found a man that was more in common with your ideas of marriage

Insanity
Albert Einstein once said "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results".

What you said about a woman and a flower is true, but did you know a man is like your favorite piece of jewelry

We need to be polished, appreciated, and held in high regard, we know that there is going to be a piece more prettier, more shiny, more everything, but you know what we are the piece that has memories, weddings, funerals, receptions & we were their thought it all, until one day you buy a new piece of jewelry, and just cast us aside, but this new thing won't have the same history, but hey they don't quite wear the same way we do
we know how that little bump on your wrist is there so we stop and don't slide all the way down to you hand, or we cover up that scar on you neck that you hate but you had since you were a little girl, or we just sit perfect on your ear and the new ones don't quite hang right, that's when you say to your self "oh, the more I wear it, eventually it will fit/sit right" hey there goes that rehabilitation program thing again this time it's your new piece of jewelry

You assume way too much! How do you know that I just accepted it? I didn't! As a man, how do you suggest I should have....as you said--"corrected his behavior"? I did not think men wanted to be changed. I did not think they wanted their wife to act like their mommy. I let him know that I did not find it appropriate, especially for newly weds and that it hurt me. But it did not matter b/c he chose watching TV over sleeping and cuddling and talking with me. If I had thrown a fit or cried, would that have made him feel more loving toward me? I don't think so. Besides, we lived in the house with his mother and she was sitting there listening and watching every thing that was said and done. That puts a stunt of growth on any MR!



I did go back and reread what I wrote and you are very wrong. Everything I wrote was not "he did and he didn't and so on". You asked questions about him that I tried to answer.

Clearly you think you know me based on your own stitch, but you don't have a clue about me or my life.

You think b/c you went for about 7 years with little sex that you've been in my shoes? Nope, not hardly. That does not compare to having a spouse that never went to bed with you when bedtime arrived accept when he wanted sex and then got back up. It doesn't compare to him moving completely out of the bedroom over 20 years ago. Seven years with a few times of sex does not compare with going on now--13 years of zero sex. And I don't dare mention my H b/c you will tell me I am blaming him or making excuses.

I can see from your last post that no matter what I try to explain, you are going to find fault with me (the AWAW) and yet I am the one that is still in my marriage. I don't intend to make this a debate or a battle, so you go your way and think what you will about me, my life, my M, and how wrong I am and how wise you are even though you are young enough to be my son.

I got into a thing with another poster not long after I came on board. You sound very much like him only he was older. He was divorce, but seemed to have all the right answers!........(strange).... He thought he was really going to straighten me out! Well, you may not be thinking along those lines (I doubt seriously that you are, you just think you have all the answers about me and my life), but I will not go down that road again. The reason being that you will not see my point or reasoning no matter how hard I try to make clear.......and I will not accept what you are saying b/c you are trying to make "one size fits all"......and that is not the case.

So, I think with that in mind, we need to part and express out opinions to others on the board b/c we could go around and around this pole all day and not get anywhere. It happens.

Take care,
Sandi

It's not about bout changing him it's about him knowing what you are willing to deal with and accept from him, and how he should behave & treat you, if you don't like the way he treats you then he needs to be on his way

I'm still married legally but emotionally, and physically I'm not there

I'm not trying to change you (you seem very defensive, I wonder why?) I'm saying his way isn't right & your way isn't either he has his way & you have yours that's all

The underlying theme on all these boards are everyone claiming to be victims, we are put ourselves in those positions, them we complain about how our spouse don't see things the way "I" do

I wish my wife really left me, because I would be in a better place now then I am, besides I don't want someone who can love me on Monday and Hate me on Friday, yes there was days my wife was a royal pain but I never hated her. Not until now!

I have been in your shoes not as long as you have but I have been, I'm sorry you felt you needed to stay there that long, that is your choice, no one held you there that long, I admire you for trying for so long but it was still your choice, & once you decided to seek "comfort elsewhere" you should have left your husband and worked on your own growth instead of looking to another man (who according to you, don’t need them to) fill that emptiness, you could have sought charity work, helped sick children, there are may ways to fill that void, but all honestly you & your husband have two totally different views on what a "normal marriage" looks like

If I tell you golf sucks then it sucks (in my world) then if I marry a woman who loves to play, eventually I'm going to grow to resent all the time she spends golfing & not with me. I have a choice learn to play golf or leave & that's what you have!