Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy My worst fears confirmed! Wife having EA/PA...

Jeff (and PT)

Great questions about turning things over to God. Do it. He'll lead you to the loving response He wants for you and your M.

PT, I said I haven't had an A but that's to point out that I don't have an agenda or a need to solve my own issues thru others. But that's not to say I don't feel for you or others who have been betrayed. Both my sisters were devastated by their h's A.s But the younger one who snooped and obsessed is the one who's h is still M to Ow and I think he's happy. Whereas my older sister always maintained her dignity and gave it up to God, She got the apology, the regrets, and a new M to a good guy. Neither got their M's back and that is sad as hell.

But the "snooping" sister about drove herself and the rest of our siblings insane with the obsessing. You talk of the meds, PT, and I totally get that. If this doesn't call for it, what does? With my sister, at one point I flew out to Florida and took her to a shrink for an INPATIENT admission b/c I was that worried that she'd kill herself, or someone, and her neighbor called me long distance with the same fear, and it was a nightmare. She lost 65 lbs in 2 months and her hair was falling out, and I cannot tell you what it's like to see someone you love, pretty much going crazy. SO, yeah, I 've seen the damage as close up without being in it myself. And I have also pondered having an A myself. I pointed that out to say that I would not have responded well to h mishandling that info.

And when I say I was vulnerable, I mean having a h who worked over 80 hours a week in his internship (after 4 years of med school which was not the plan when we married) who came home to fall asleep on the floor or at the table, or lose his temper first b/c of sleep deprivation, we had young children and we both were working full time in the Army during a War....and then a guy who looked like Kevin Costner worked with me (I swear he was that good looking...weirdly!!) and paid lots of attention to me at a time when I was very vulnerable. Is that an EA?

Anyhow, I got lucky. I went to see my priest and he really gave me some great advice. Got me back into theater to channel my "passions" safely, and something to occupy my time when I needed adult interaction but couldn't get it from H... H was in his residency (and we were in the Gulf War, oh and guess who got deployed? ME...) There were not many things h could change about his schedule at that time.
And I faced 4 more years of that, and wondered if I could make it that long without a real partner. And the children...h will never know what he missed...or what I missed.

So it's not as if it never crossed my mind. But If h had been a jerk about the kevin costner guy, I would have freaked out. Not in a good way. I needed loving attention and the m needed nourishing time, not spying and reproach.

But PT, I take your point. While I recoil at the idea of comparing a rape victim to coping with adultery, I am impressed that you are able to rebuild the M given the givens. It is always possible my h had an A, as it is with anyone I suppose, and I have to deal with that not "really knowing". But what I DO know, is that he wants the M to work, he loves me as best he can now, and we are M. And I love the guy. I've been good to him and for him, so I guess I figure if he wants to have an A and I KNOW I'm doing my job as a wife, then he's an idiot.

I think my younger sister did, at some point, choose to let it drive her crazy. The energy it took to worry like she did...OMG, and unlike you, she did NOT exercise. She checked his messages 14 times in 2 hours, in front of me, drove to the bank to check the account and see if anything had changed, drove to his work, his gym, their home, checked the cell phone records, ya da ya da.....God it was horrible. She hovered around her h non-stop while hoping he'd changed his mind. Although not controlling, she did hover around him all their M...so, from my pov, it did NOT help and it DID hurt her, and many people in her life started to avoid her like the swirling negative vortex she had become. Who knows? Maybe she caused the M to end with her hovering insecurities, though she was definitely not critical and never said "no" to anything her h wanted, including moves to Iceland, Korea, etc. Whatever helped his career, she'd do.

Well PT, good luck at Retrovaille (sp?) I've heard many many good things about
it.

Jeff, pray and listen and you'll find your way. But maybe you need to see that even if your w did have an A in the past, (as PT can tell you ) it doesn't always mean the end of the M.

((( j )))

All,

So I had a long convo with her tonight. So long story short no OM anymore..Whatever. Dbing aint gonna work with her while we are in the same house..She's got our teenage daughter in our bed with her every night now as she says "I scare the $%@! out of her". Due to my trying to talk the relationship to death in the beginning. She is so over the top right now. She says she can't even tell if she will miss me..

She says she wants a separation and we have to be out of the family home within 60 days..So it looks like a separation is coming. She actually told me tonight that she may move in with her friend and get this: she and the kids will all bunk in one room (4 kids). I said no way. No way. Not gonna happen.

So here's what I think.. I'm gonna get a place that I can have my boys with me and she can stay in the house until it goes. Basically told her that I can pay for myself but she will have to figure out how to support her separate lifestyle.

She definitely needs to see if she will miss having me in her life. I don't see how it is possible as things are. i need to let her try to do this on her own with no safety net. She can't make any decision where she isn't putting her own needs first. She can't even see it as she is obsessed with her own needs right now.

I am working on me now. I am so tired of this merry go-round with her. She is certainly in to her self now and I do love her. She said she wants to be friends with me and I told her I would co-parent with her and would be polite BUT I am not going to be available for that as it would be too painful.

This is her decision and she will have to take care of herself. I don't think she will come down to earth until she gets a feel for this on her own.

Okay ready for the 2x4's...Anybody else get to this point? Puppy?

Jeff

well Jeff, first, this sucks. Sorry. But when h left for training for a year and took the 90% pay cut, (thanks for that!!) he somehow missed us but not as much as I hoped. When he went to Alaska, something clicked and he took his boards on 9-9. That night he called, and seemed to be saying "where are you? where is everyone?" Like he finally noticed he was all alone. Oops. And he did miss us. But damn, it took a YEAR for that switch to go on, and over the 2nd year's time, he pleaded in every call, and seemed to change for the better and told me he'd be diff and appreciative and ya da ya da, and literally "begged" me to come and so...wth? d11 and I joined him for a year, after dropping d19 off at college. Mistake? Don't think so. We got closer and I will always know we gave his dream a chance, so he can't say I refused and become bitter/victim man, and HE knows it failed for reasons having to do with the idiot business model and nothing to do with me. Heck, I worked for the company too. I helped them float longer.

I would never have imagined how long it would take him to get his act together, but I also had no idea how long I'd be able to wait. If you GAL you'll find you are stronger than you know. Now, I don't think I could do it all again, fwiw, but maximum DBing for me, is a once in a life time deal. "On going" DBing, sure, cuz it helps in an ongoing way. But to go thru another MLC or whatever this crap was? No, not the whole crazy limbo again.

But that's cause I put a good two years into this, of us apart. There was crap before that too. All in all, a few years... So, Can you do this?

I mean, so far I can say that it was worth it. To ME, and to h. Once you GAL, you'll find you can live without knowing the future, for awhile. I paid the bills, took care of the kids, went to school myself and joined some things I needed to join (and came here!). Oh, and I got a DB coach which helped A LOT...But once the adjustments were made, that was that. I had a life. Our "family" had a life even though we were not all together. Remember there are soldiers gone for long times and they stay close to their families and the "families" are still families when their soldier dad/mom is gone. You can do this.

Some M's have to end so they can be rebuilt, some WAS's have to bottom out. Doesn't mean it's over. Hang in there. Sending hugs/prayers your way Jeff.
((j ))

25,

I agree on how some things have to end or bottom out before they can be rebuilt. This is not going to be fun, mostly because I am seeing a very selfish side to her which is both unusual and frustrating. As much as I want to uphold my kid's mother I am going to have to be very firm on boundaries with the kid's. Jeez..moving in with a friend and ALL sleeping in one room?

Mom's out there: Is this rational in any way? She also keeps wanting to not seriously have to buckle down and work. She can't focus at all. I need the help on the income front temporarily but she won't jump in but wants this separate life. Frustrating.

I have a DB coach and my instinct is that we need to be apart for this to work... I think I need to be away from her and her shenanigans as much as she needs her freedom to become an individual.

Anyhow...I think I will step up my efforts to get a place and create a safe place for my boys...

Thoughts?

Hey all,

So I have decided to move out into my own place. I wanted to include some emails from her concerning OM and get your take on my decision to detach going forward... (As of this AM by the way)

"Hi Paul.....how are you and Jenifer doing? I hope all and your darling girls doing? I hope all is well. What have you guys been up to? Nothing too exciting happening here in Vancouver. Pretty much being mom (which I love). Jeff and I are separating. It's been a pretty emotional few weeks for both of us.
Gerald and I are over. I guess it is for the best. I do wish him and his boys all the happiness in the world. He is a good person.
JusI realize everyone thought I was bad news for him, given my situation. I do want to clarify this, I was never playing with his emotions nor did I ever intend on hurting him. I was completllletely scincieWhat I felt for him was genuine 100%. In the end I was the one who got hurt. I guess that's what I get for playing with fire. I know I came across as a bit wild that weekend in Yakima, but that is not who I am. It was just a weekend away from kids and reality. For the most part I am a mommy and up until recently a dedicated wife for 14 years. When I found out that Jeff was having an affair it was devastating. Never in a million years would I have thought he would do something like that. We tried to work through it, but there were so many problems. Right about that time Gerald and I got in contact and it really surprised mme how quickly I connected with him. I mean I had not had feelings nor had been with another man besides my husband for over 14 years. I guess I was pretty volurableurable n.I am just a stupid woman. I'm not quit sure why I am explaning ining all of this to you....It just bothers me."
and... (to OM)

"Goodbye (to OM)

Just thought I'd make this easy for you. I wish you all the happiness in the world. In the words of Alley from the Notebook " I am a stupid woman" or at least have been."

Thought I would give you a look inside her mind. Ladies what is you take from this point on? Gentleman as well?

Jeff

I can't even begin to tell you how hurt I think she still is. Did you guys never work through the affair? It seems like I remember you saying you didn't. YOU have to work through that with her. She may not want to, but she NEEDS to. If you can convince her to go to counseling WITH you - go by yourself and then tell her you are going and the counselor would like to see you both to get a better perspective of the stitch, whatever, but DO IT. I do think your marriage is salvageable, but I also think you are going to have to step up to the plate more for your own "stuff".

I think it will be hard for both of you. But I'm sure she has things she needs to say to you and tell you about how hurt she was. And maybe, if you can help her get thru them, you'll find your wife at the other side.

Mel

she's incredibly hurt and you did not discuss your A nearly enough in your posts...that's my first take...
( j )

my second take is what Mel said. She's hurt and you really glossed over HER pain and went back to YOUR pain and YOUR "worst fears"....Jeff, wth?

What about HER worst fears being realized? (sigh) you have some work to do. Guess the good news is she sure isn't indifferent to you. She cares. Damn, wish you'd been here long ago I bet.
( j )

DO you have four children and does she have them? What are their ages? Are the boys yours and not the teenage daughter? Why would you only take the boys? And what's up with saying she won't "buckle down and work", and... also what? Take care of the kids? And do the housework too? You say "she can't focus" and then you say she won't "buckle down and work" and I am unclear about why this surprises you.
( j )

Yep I do wish I had been here earlier,

But let me catch you up. Of course she's hurt. Big time. I am not trying to minimize her pain and focus on mine. This is just a place I come to communicate as she can't do that with me right now. So it helps me stay away from R talks with her as she processes.

I know what I have done to her and I grieve about it every day. I hurt for her every day. I know I triggered it all. I own that.

When she talks about working through it I didn't even know how and I was very angry back then. I wish I had gone to counseling at the moment my A was discovered and busted. She was actually wonderful at that point. However what's done is done and now she traveled the same road and is dealing with her own fallout now.

My A was very simple. I was at an all time low in my life. I felt absolutely horrible about myself. At that point my MO was to wall up and shut everyone out, her included. Eventually I entered into the Myspace fantasyland and reconnected with my first love and one thing lead to another and it made me feel good. It is like a drug or actually is according to Puppy. It was discovered and I ended it abruptly. But I had all of the underlying stuff that was there before + coming down off of the EA. So when I should have been reconnecting I was still pushing away.

Eventually it wore what she felt down to the point she wanted out. I did the usual R talk, plead, convince, when the the situation had completetly flip flopped. In a nutshell I blew it with pressure and literally (she still made the choice) pushed her to the OM.

Her EA is now exposed and she seems to be in the early stages of moving past it. We are now having "real" convos again about us and how to think about working through our issues. This is a breakthrough. We both need space right now and since we have to be out of our home, she wants to separate to be able to process it all. I think based on the sich I need to let support her on this and begin the DB process. I don't ultimately know where this will go but I think it's what is healthy for her and I right now.

I never meant to give the impression that I am not 100% in touch with her devastation and pain. I was just putting the emails out there to gain feminine perspective.. I guess I got it.

If 2x4s are needed please whale away. I can take it.

Jeff