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Hi native, Yes your W does seem to have a lot of anger issues. It was good that you stood up for yourself & told her just to ask for what she wanted. Also telling her that you might not want to reconsile, is good I think. Hopefully, it will make her think about how she acts & talks.

I'm sure your W is angry, frustrated & confused & not just at you - but probably with the world (& herself) in general. It seems many of the WAS are poor. So by walking out their world isn't as rosey as they imagined it would be. Now they don't just have a M issues, but they have real life, surviving issues to handle as well all by themselves. Your W's pride was probably hurt by having to ask you or b*tch at you (add some guilt to that too).

Hang in there & monitor if your actions have had any results.

Just curious, when you told to her just ask, where you in a nice mood or more of an angry or annoyed mood?? Did she again play off your action???

Hope you have a good night

Probobly a little exasperated. I have tried to get her to just express herself directly for the last 7 years. She has gotten better, but not much.

No, her mood was there before I said that.

Anyway, we had a good lunch the other day. I pinpointed the area of her dissapointed intimacy issues and specifically emphathised with her, proposing to put her sexual and intimacy needs above mine if we chose to work this out.

This was appreciated and led into further discussion regarding communication issues and whether I ever really loved her.

I think I was able to address both concerns in a way that comforted her and we both left, I think, with a faint glimmer of possiblity.....

Hopefully the flood of depressive thoughts she baths in regularly won't wash that possibility away....

Hey native, Very nice to hear you made some positive connections. Pinpointing problem issues, being correct at finding what they are and discussing them with your W is a huge step forward - I think. It totally shows that you care about her & her needs. She probably needed more reasurances of love than you had thought. I'm sure that is very important in showing her it's not all about sex & wanting her - but wanting ALL of her. It also shows that you are willing to give up some control. This must be difficult for you as well. All I can say, is I see a lot of strength & honor from you. Oh & don't forget patience ..... well done!!! Keep doing what works!

Thanks Msm again, for your encouraging words.

I have been AWOL for the past few days. The mortgage is coming due and work has been slow. Been praying a bit more and now it looks like work is lining up on the horizon.

It is hard playing this waiting game. I have been focusing on my career though, and I feel excited about where that seems to be going.

W just went through 'hell week' at work, so we haven't heard much from her.

I recently had a bit of a falling out with a buisness parter and his attitude and anger made me see myself and other LBS's in a new light.

Though it isn't exactly the same, there are paralells. I have been trying to tell this guy for some time that I had to move on in order to continue to support myself. He did not seem to have my best interests in mind, so on and so forth.

I haven't been actively working with him for months. He hasn't called me, did not get back in touch about some information we were supposed to discuss.....seemed busy taking care of himself.

Then, he sees me at a marketing meeting with a potential competitor and is suddenly talking with me, making plans, ready to roll....

Now I see him hurt and angry and feeling betrayed and I can see things from the WAS perspective.

What do I see ?

- That I already told him long ago ( and have been trying for some time) what I needed and he ignored or was not able to provide it in the buisness partnership.
- That his shock and anger and feeling of betrayal only echos my own sense of not being considered and he seems only concerned with what is happening to him.
- That the expression of his negative emotion is uncomfortable and I don't want to deal with it.

Looking at things from this perspective makes me wonder how detached my W was when she finally dropped the bomb. That she had already stepped away from a situation that was hurting her, that I seemed to bug her with my efforts to re-connect....

Its very weird. Because I don't see myself as a person someone would be repulsed by, which is how I feel somewhat to this buisness partner who routinely put the strong arm on me, and may have stolen commissions due me.

But I am sure the sense of detachment and desire to get away from the emotion is similar to what she felt.

So I made the mistake of calling WAS just to talk. We used to talk so much, so easily.

She was confused as to the reason that I called. She was also clearly irritated. 'Don't you know how hard this week has been on me ?'

yeah, yeah...but I don't know if I care anymore.

People have told me I have acted honorably in this situation. I know I can sleep at night without guilt that I did not do everything in my power to extend the olive branch to her.

If it wasn't for my daughter, I could leave W behind so fast. I have never been treated with such disrespect as she has treated me in the last year. But I am holding on for my daughter.

There has never been a divorce in my family, other than my mother's brother.

We just don't do divorce. We were raised to be faithful and to take responsiblity for our actions.

My brothers and I are not perfect, but we know what is right from wrong.

I am having a hard time with the notion my beautiful bright little girl is going to suffer because of this sometimes fragile, sometimes hateful woman.

I love both of them. I feel these are the dying gasps as I say goodbye to our family.

I want to start over again, when I accept the possiblity that she may not turn around. At other times I just can't accept defeat.

I've stopped wearing my ring. Not wearing it feels wrong, but as long as I do, she won't think I am moving on.

I am sick of all her disrespect.

I'm rambling here.....

I'm not perfect, but it doesn't seem fair !

Hey native, That was some interesting insight you had about your business partner & the WAW senario. There does seem to be many corrilations.

Sorry, to hear that your W was angry towards you and that you feel disrespected. You have very right to feel that way. It's oblivious that she cannot deal with the stresses of life and your M at the current moment. Anger seems to be a common theme with WAW, while totally avoiding seems to be the WAH common theme. And maybe that is because women in general are more emotional. Remember, you did have a R talk not too long ago, and she is also probably pulling back from that. You might have been ready for that step & maybe she was not. Many times, what we think will bring us closer does not. Strange isn't it?? Keep venting here. You need to keep working & get to a place where HER mood doesn't affect you very much. Easier said than done - I know. Have you checked out your cheese tunnels lately?? I realize that througout my DB process I really did keep going down the same tunnels. Try to identify them & really work on choosing another. Do you normally contact your W or does she contact you?? Have you tried only contacting her about D6 issues? How about no more R talks until you really see her anger subside? Just throwing out suggestions here. How is your GAL coming along?? What have you been doing?? Stay strong & get that PMA going again!

Msm,

Thanks for the helpful response. I am going to update the sitch here later, hopefully today. Some interesting stuff...your comments help me to keep balanced in all of this.


Gotta go to work now....

Hey Native,

know what you mean :

"So I made the mistake of calling WAS just to talk. We used to talk so much, so easily."

Me too. Now I don't feel my W is being Dis respectful but now when I call her it's like "ya what do you want I'm Busy" now she does not say that but that is how I feel. However when one of her GF call she can talk for an hour about nothing.

Keep the faith buddy. I have been knocking at the "I give up door" many times. Then something happens and I give it a little more time.
I think everytime I have pushed a little bit farther twards divorce. Wife seems to get a little more closer and open. But I know that she is not ready and if I did push for a divorce she would give me one.

take it one day at a time. giving up is like that last cookie in the jar. As long as you don't eat it you can have it anytime. But once you do eat it... It's gone

Doc

For the last 4 months I have done the contacting but have kept it to discussion about our D. I haven't really talked about our relationship much at all. In fact, I scolded her for treating me like we were married before Christmas. ( She was 'instructing' me on proper sponge care....she's very finicky about a number of things)

Of course, I was tempted to let her keep treating me like we were married, but it irked me that she felt like she could nag me even thought she was obviously not committed to our R.

Anyway, I have avoided pursuing for 4 months so I decided to try something a little different.

A few nights after the recent phone conversation in which she was irritable, I decided to call her up, just to talk again.

Now why would I do something so plainly stupid....?

Because I realized later that she had snapped at me due to being exhausted from an extra difficult time at work, and she had been on her period....nuff said.

So I called up and after a few pleasantries (I could tell she was in a receptive mood) I made my move.

I told her that I missed her. I said that we used to talk together so easily and really had some good times together.

Now all my DBing friends are seeing warning signs and screaming at their computers 'Don't do that you idiot ! Haven't you learned anything ?'

Yes, it was a calculated risk, but I felt the time was right. One of the reasons she had been unhappy is that she felt I was not paying her enough non-sexual attention.

Anyway....her response was........' I miss you too...'

So we kind of stumbled around, both of us a little awkwardly. All the time I am waiting for the other shoe to drop, so I'm looking for a way to get out of the conversation before it goes South.

So I said goodnight, and she mumbled 'I love you' or so I think I heard her say.. it seemed she was expecting me to say 'I love you ' to her, and she was responding in kind, but only at the last minute realizes she has gone out on a limb, and I only said goodbye.

We have had 2 subsequent phone conversations since and her demeanor has been very warm, sometimes laughing, not at all sounding like she wants to get away.....

good signs.

And now I know that I must take it s-l-o-w.........

As you say Msm, she will no doubt pull back if she feels like we are getting closer, so I will play it cool and not go overboard.

I'm staying here in peicing for a while.


Oh yeah, as far as GALing, I am focusing on my career, because my new buisness was floundering before all of this. I need to make it a success for me and for us, if there is to be an us.

And I am excited in the direction it is taking me. I am learning things that opens up new directions and I feel like I am in preparation for bigger things. One of my latest goals is to find one networking event to attend per week, to help build buisness contacts. And I am reading (studying a lot). So thats my general focus now. And it makes me feel good. It's a frightful time right now, economy wise, so I am glad to feel I am being proactive about my career.

Dr. Love, I think that something I did recently really has made a sea-level change in our relationship, despite that last neg. conversation.

After much meditation on all the things that seemed to make my w unhappy re our R, it seemed clear that it boiled down to one area, namely sex and intimacy.

Now she has blasted me about any manner of other issues, and she has been passive agressive throughout our R, but a lot of the heat of our discontent has centered around her rape/trauma wounds and her need for extra-special treatment.

So I addressed this head on a few weeks ago at lunch. I apologised for not being sensitive to her needs, etc etc, and basically pledged to put her needs, sense of comfort, safety and pleasure first, if we were to ever work this out.

She did'nt jump into my arms right then, but in general I have noticed a difference in the way in which she has been treating me.

BTW, the bad conversation I had with her recently can be chalked up to her exhaustion and her being in the middle of her period. So I am not taking it to heart.

We have had several congenial conversations since.

So with that being said, is it possible that there is one underlying dissapointment or hurt, etc that your W needs to have you address so she understands that you really get it ?

This is all I can offer you right now, because it seems to have helped to open the door for me. I hope this helps....