Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Wife left tonight

The thing about affairs is the OP meets a specific need the WAS has at the moment but rarely can address the other needs you were meeting. Right now the WAS is getting pretty much all her needs met so once you pull back she will start missing those you offered.

You have to find out what you weren't doing for her and base your 180s around being able to fill those so you become a better choice. After the honeymoon stage of the affair runs it's course, she will start having new needs the OP can't meet and may turn back to you to fill those.

Give yourself 3-6 months before she starts having second thoughts. Be nice to her and never fight but don't pursue her or talk about yourself or the R. The ball is her court and it's going to stay there pretty much the entire time. She has to come to you and wont do that until she thinks you've giving up on her, starts to miss you, or her A turns ugly.

What worked for me was not getting angry, making the changes my W didn't think I was capable of, and acting happy when we spoke. My came back after 3 months, half that living with an OM. Me being nice really screwed with her head.

The problem in my case was she came back TOO soon. She was still in the honeymoon stage and never got over the OM so relapsed back after 6 months. I should have made her wait a little longer but I was just too eager. Lesson learned.

I think I need to read more of DR as I haven't if a few days. I'm trying really hard to put on happy face when she is around but she knows me so well that she can tell I'm faking. I need to do a better job of looking happy.
I know W is still worried about me as she keeps checking on me to see if I'm ok and I'll respond yes and sometimes she's ok with that and other times she presses for more. I'm still so confused and in shock about this whole thing!

I'm trying really hard to put on happy face when she is around but she knows me so well that she can tell I'm faking. I need to do a better job of looking happy.
I know W is still worried about me as she keeps checking on me to see if I'm ok and I'll respond yes and sometimes she's ok with that and other times she presses for more.

Why pretend that you are OK? Do you think that if she thinks your OK and going out with friends that she will then come back??? The fact that you are not OK is making her feel guilty!! That is good. Making this easy on her by waiting to tell the kids, allowing her to tell her version of this affair, and by pretending to be OK just helps her continue.

Affairs need to be exposed. The cheater needs to feel embarrased by their friends, co-workers, and family finding out. This should never be done on their terms.

You should sit the kids down and tell them what is going on and who this guy is that is tearing apart your family.

So far this whole thing and worked perfectly for your wife and the OM. Yeah she feels sorry for you but that doesn't stop her. Pressure and embarrassment from family and friends might.

Don't sit back and allow her to steer the divorce ship with you in the passenger seat.

Well, she finally told the kids and they of course reacted as you'd expect. I told them I'll be there for them and they told me not to worry as they said its not my fault. She has been avoiding her friends and family and I have been telling them about the A.

I am a little confuse as some posts suggest I act OK and others say I shouldn't???

Anyway, the cats out of the bag and I've been telling people which you are right is embarrassing her but its making her (her words) more determined to make this work with OM to prove everyone wrong. So, right now I need to work on myself. She is being very selfish and throwing away a great M. I asked her what her plans are with OM, when will she finish packing, etc...she doesn't really have a plan except that she is so in love. We go to MC tomorrow and I want to work on terms of this separation which she has been avoiding as I think she is trying to avoid reality.

My W came over to the see the kids and help with the younger ones birthday party. We ordered pizza (which W picked up on her way from OM place) and I baked a cake. W and I watched our favorite TVs shows and got a long fine as we always have done before. I did not talk about R or M or even mention how much I miss and love her. We talked about the terms we are going to use for this separation, which we are going to bring to MC tonight. I think it was an eye opener for W as I have put in a lot effort to come up with these suggestions. BTW: W therapist does not believe in MLC and my W loves him. At the end of the night she hugged me and said she had a nice time. I said I did too and we gave each other a quick kiss and she was off. I need to get back to reading DR as it’s hard not to tell her how beautiful she is and how much I still love her…. I have been in contact with the school counselors for the kids and will meet with the counselors later in the week, to discuss what else I need to do for them. They are pretty angry and scared.

Met with the high school counselor yesterday to talk about my S15 and we had a great, long dicussion. About my family and the C is very proud of the job I'm doing since W left and has less contact with our kids. I felt really good and went for a long walk last night. the weather is finally above 20, actually today maybe be 50. Anyway, my mom is coming over to help me start cleaning and re-organizing the house. W still sends me texts to ask how I'm doing and I tell her fine then she calls to find out what is wrong, which I tell her nothing is wrong. Then she will ask if the problem is the obvious and I say yes. I'm not sure if W still cares or is confused by her decision to be with OM. I'm getting a lot of ideas from DR and am starting to implement them.

Open up a thread on the infidelity section. More folks hang out there.

I opened a thread on the infidelity section

Here is the thr WAW madly in love with OM ead