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TOH

I hope that you're able to log on every once in awhile. I know computer problems can make a person feel cut off from the world at times. And especially when part of your support system are the peers you've met at support groups like this one.

I feel your helplessness, your hopelessness...and I wish I could sugarcoat it for you. But there is no way of doing that. What has happened in all of our lives will probably be one of the most difficult things in life that we will have to deal with. But we must go through it...we can't go around it, duck under it, or jump over it.

What I do know, is that you do NOT know what life has in store for you. None of us do. We can hold onto our beliefs, hopes and dreams, but that doesn't mean that we'll get what we want...or that we won't get what we hope for. But either way, we have to forge forward in our own lives. To do anything else means we're paralyzed by fear of the unknown. And to do nothing means we don't have faith in ourselves, our beliefs, etc.

And once you lose yourself, it's very, very hard to pull yourself up again. You have alot of strength inside of you TOH, whether you believe it or not. Through all of you've been through, you HAVE shown strength, character, forgiveness, humor and a true commitment to your family. You have so much to be proud of, and so much to continue to fight for. Fight for your own self-confidence, your own self-esteem, your own independence (don't be codependent on the WAS). You have talent....use it...make a name for yourself.

You want back the man and the marriage you thought you had. I can understand that, but as time goes on you'll understand that many of us fell into the 'love is blind' trap, and put our spouses on pedestals that we never should have. For their sake, and for ours. The person that your H is now is not someone that you would want to place a bet on. The person he is now is messed up, selfish and manipulative. And there isn't a thing you can do about that. He has to feel/see that for himself. And to be honest, some of them never do...some will never admit THEY have issues that have nothing to do with their marriage..but how they emotionally deal with their own problems and relationships.

From the beginning, many of us have told you to let go, detach and find TOH. I hope you'll take this time to do that. We told you that because we've been where you are...our situations were no different than yours...and we learned by our own mistakes. We learned that all we could do is pray for Gods will in all of this, because we sure didn't know what we should be doing/feeling. I still don't know what Gods plan is for my family, my x, and myself...but I do know that I'd rather work on myself and leave the rest of it to Him..because doing otherwise is akin to banging your head on a brickwall.

We'll never be able to make our marriage problems disappear and pretend like they never happened. A mark has been made in our relationships that cannot be erased. We will never have that marriage that we thought we did. And you know, that may be a good thing, because we all learn by experience. Its better that all of us remember our own part in the marriage downfall, it's better that we accept that neither ourselves or our spouses were innocent/perfect. It's best to start at the very bottom again and work towards a better marriage than try to glue together something that's been flawed and broken for quite awhile.

I have no idea where your life is going to lead you , or if your H will be a part of it or not...and neither do you. But I do know that you must put yourself and your family first now. No more agonizing over what your life will be w/o your H in it.

But I DO believe in you TOH...and you have to start doing the same. You have no other option, unless you want to leave your family even more damaged than your H has. Don't give him that power. Don't give his choices that type of power over your own choices in life. Only you can give him that power, and I pray you don't do that.

Love him, pray for him, forgive him. But don't depend on him for your own happiness in life, and don't stop living because of him.

(((Hugs)))

Hi, TOH,
I'm sorry, this was a while ago but somehow I missed it. The only time I was in Iowa, H (who was my boyfriend at the time--this was in February 1989) and I were going to a wedding, and my car choked on blowing snow. There was ice on the engine block--no wonder it died! We spent five hours sitting in a convenience store, waiting for the car to be fixed...but at least that was better than sitting in a dead car in weather well below freezing! (Thanks to the strangers who gave us a lift from where the car died, in the middle of nowhere.) We missed the wedding ceremony, but managed to get to the reception later!

If you don't like winter weather, Missouri is not the place to move. And yes, the humidity in the summer is as bad as anywhere I have been (although, granted, I've lived in Missouri most of my life).

(The post below is in response to my comment about my brother moving from Missouri to Phoenix because he preferred the weather there...and he doesn't even use his A/C much!)

Yep, my brother is a little weird. But he lives alone and doesn't have pets, and he is at work for the middle of the day, so I guess it works out for him somehow. I'm pretty sure it isn't a financial issue; he makes good money. He lives in a suburb of Phoenix; I forget which one, but I don't think he's far from the city proper.

TOH, you have mostly been sounding better lately, and I hope that trend continues. Also hope your computer gets fixed soon so that you can get back here to the boards!

Peace,
Dawn

Hi all, just checking in. I am doing okay, I guess. I feel really lost without the computer to go to read and get advice. But I am managing. Life here goes on. Things are pretty well. Trying to concentrate on D17 and her senior year. Trying to heal her and me and figure out where we go from here. Time will tell, I know that now. Thinking of getting my house ready to put on the market if H agrees. He has pretty much laid it out there that he is never coming back. that he is content with the way things are. If I want to change it, he's okay with that too. Financially we cannot go on like this. SO I guess my decision to make now is whether I risk losing everything to see if he'll ever come out of MLC. Right now, that looks pretty doubtful. But like Creed said, no body knows what lies ahead.

I am learning to let go, and let God, so very hard to do, but I can honestly say "I have tried EVERYTHING else.

Take care all,
Love TOH

TOH

I'm glad you were able to log on, and let us know that you're doing okay.

Yes, it's your decision now how you want to proceed. Getting your house ready for market, whether it actually goes on the market, is a great idea. It is amazing how much we can find to do to 'spiff' up our homes once we get started. Not only is it a sort of therapy for us, but it allows us to not only clean out things no longer needed/wanted...it allows us to see that we need to clean house in our own lives, to allow more good to come in. It makes us do things that might be uncomfortable or scarey at first, but that helps us grow and extend ourselves in areas we may not have if we hadn't been forced to

Whether you need to put the house up for sale or not, I think moving ahead as though you will may be something that will help you emotionally. You'll do alot of crying, alot of remembering, alot of regretting...but you'll also see that life doesn't end just because the way we've been use to living it has.

Your H is a classic passive/aggressive person. He's leaving it all up to you. Pi$$es me off. I've had to deal with that myself. I'm not going to tell you what to do TOH as far as if you change things or he does....just remember to do what is right for YOU and your family. Your H , in time, will look at you and your new strength and wonder who the heck you are. He will see strength and determination in you that will make him quake in his boots. Whether it matters to you at that time..only time will tell.

I'm really happy to hear you're concentrating on your daughter's senior year. It goes soooooo fast. And then they're our adult children, and we have to learn all over again how to build a different type of relationship with them. Life is full of changes...we should never get too comfortable, should we?

Thanks Creed and dawn for checking in on me. I went tonight and bought me a "harley" just kidding, I bought a new computer. If H says a word, I plan on telling him, this is my Harley (he bought one last year). Anyway, I am back.

Hope all is well with you. Happy Valentines Day! Mine wasn't too happy but I managed. I was having a tough time this afternoon so I decided to take off for awhile. Went to the city and bought the computer and spent some gift certificates from xmas. It did me a lot of good.

Take care, I'll be back

Congratulations on your new Harley!
Your H must know it's a business/farm expense and tax deductible, put up a no wining sign if he starts to say something about it.

Lol WCW, I wish it really was a Harley. And my H "knows" alot of thing, but it doesn't matter to him what is right/wrong.

Morning friends, I've been lingering on occasion. Wanting to post but don't have much to say. Things have been pretty quiet here. H is doing his own thing and we don't see or hear from him alot. Well I talk to him but it's on the phone only.

March 1st, farm rents are due. Time to decide for 2009. I was really starting to think that H was going to quit farming. He told his mom just a week or two ago that he was done. Been there done that time to do something different. Then the other day he says we need to get ready to go to the bank. I confronted (of course). I also told him of my fears and reservations of signing up with him in fear of another year of hell. That I want to continue to farm with him more than anything but things between us need to change or it will never work. Number one on the list is honesty, number 2 is respect. He swears to me he will not screw me over. I believe him today, tomorrow scares the hell out of me. I told him, he alreay has so why should I believe he won't continue. As long as a 3rd party is involved in any way I cannot trust him.

But..., I agreed to do this for another year. I am coming up with a partnership agreement to protect myself. He has agreed to sign anything. At moments I feel like a complete fool. Those that love me will be shaking their heads when they hear. I am scared, tired, worried, and suspisious. But a tiny bit of my heart is excited a bit. Alot can happen in a year. Maybe I see a tiny light up ahead. Then again maybe not. We'll see. I also am fully aware that papers signed or not, rents paid or not. A D can be filed at ANY time, lawyers can work out the rest.

My goals in this....my reasons for signing another year...
I am going to be more involved.
I am going to do my best to help us break even this year. Last year we came up $6000 in the hole.
I still want to make a go of this place.
IF we work TOGETHER, anything is possible...

Update...

Went to the bank yesterday to do our yearly financial reports. The numbers didn't come out too well. They just gave H his out. The banker pretty much told him to get out while the gettin is good. Well Sunday is March 1 and rents are due. H didn't want to ditch on his landlord at the last minute. Well so he says. We talked pretty heavy the last week, back and forth on whether or not we were going to continue or not. H called this morning and said he was going to talk to the landlord today. Telling him that he will farm one more year and see how it goes. If it doesn't improve he'll be done.

I have so many mixed emotions about it all. I really don't know what to think at this point. A big part of me is ready to just be done. To start looking at something different in my life. But just as big a part is hoping that things will turn around for H and I. If I'm honest with myself today. I think I should stop hopeing on the latter.

It's hard to think long range goals when you don't know what will happen later today but what was your long range plans before H left? It doesn't seem your kids have any interest in maintaining the farm when you or H can't anymore.

Farming is a business with a Mother Nature gamble. Last year was extreme for sure, the year before was a bumper crop. This year? who knows! Forecasts are already saying it will be dry. Perhaps you can find a young ambitious partner at the local FFA to help this year. That would give a young farmer a step into farming and help ease your burden.

toh, are you the same person now as when your H left or when he fell in love with you?