HI Tal, Sorry to see your frustration--but hang in there! Remember this journey will often take a few steps forward and a step backwards!! Give your H some time-perhaps he has to figure out why the PO Box is important to him and he wants to think before discussing in haste. I've been speaking to myself often "choose your battles" "how important is this?" and perhaps your H is going through this in his head before discussing it with you.
Based on all the great progress you two have made, I'm sure he'll realize why this is a big deal to you and you will both be able to discuss it and come to a solution together. PATIENCE is key. It is ok to get frustrated and it sounds like you calmly let H know that it is a bothersome area for you--he's not running/storming away--so remember to look at the nonverbals again--maybe you're not hearing what you want to hear--but perhaps he is speaking to you differently!!!
Oh yes, the infamous P O Box. That's where a good part of my H's mail has been sent for years. Some of his bills etc came here...some to the company P O Box like the tell tale cell phone bill, the buy my hussy a few hours in a motel credit card bill, things like that.
In the past, during Reconciliation #1 and I think, early in this one I mentioned that if he ever comes home...ALL MAIL and BILLs must come to this house. NO MORE 'secret life' no more "hiding places"....everything has to be out in the open and available to ME. When H came home last Nov. he made absolutely NO attempt to meet that request...I know now, whether he knew it or not, that he was planning to run again, from the first day he moved back in.
This time, IF he comes home I will want his change of address to this house BEFORE he moves back in. This time, I won't accept promises he doesn't intend to commit to because I see those as an 'escape plan' mentality.
The last 'coming home' mentioned between he and I, took place about two or three weeks ago when we discussed my discomfort with his renting a room at a woman's house. He said, "I don't know if I'll move home, but I'll move out by the end of September and get another place if that's what you need me to do so you won't worry about it." I responded by saying, "You don't have to move, I'm just voicing my feelings about it. Anywhere you live, if not here, will cause me the same fear, so there's no reason for you to move, it's something I have to deal with."
It's frustrating for me and I guess you, that as we are making headway in our reconciliation the fact that they remain living elsewhere keeps that impending sense of hopelessness alive.
I know that I resent the fact that while he continues to have his 'own' place, it means that he doesn't have to deal with me or our issues on a regular basis like any REAL married couple do. Hs & Ws can't/don't just run off to different houses everytime there's strife in their marriages and yet, here we are waiting for THEM to decide when it's safe for THEM to come home.
That frustration, and the seeming inequity of the power they have in that decision, thwarts my ability to love him freely and willingly when the end result of this back and forth is still so 'up in the air.' T2
T24now, you know exactly what I'm talking about. I'm wondering if I should even make this post--as I think I'm running out of patience.
I have been trying to figure out exactly what I want to say before bringing up the whole subject.
Soooo...this morning on my way to work, I left him a voicemail. I didn't blast him or anything.
I told him that I'm very upset about the PO Box business thing and I had some questions to ask of him.
1. We have discussed many times during this separation how important it is to both of us to consult with each other and make decisions together. I have been making great effort to remember to consult with him about day-to-day things. I asked if there was a double-standard here. Am I the only one expected to follow our agreement?
2. I asked how he suggests that I handle it if I believe we have discussed a matter, come to an agreement, and then he acts outside of the agreement? When he and I agree to something, I feel that I have committed to something. I wouldn't renig on that committment without discussing it with him.
I once suggested that as we were discussing the things we both wanted addressed in this reconcilliation, that we write things down as we came to agreement on each area. He hit the ceiling when I suggested that--sarcastically saying he wanted a lawyer to represent him and penalties built in for any "breach of contract".
I asked how HE thought I should handle situations when I feel that he's breaking an agreement we made.
3. I asked if he honestly believed that my objections to his keeping everything separate is unreasonable.
If he asked 1000 married women how they would feel about their husbands keeping separate bank accounts, separate credit cards, separate cell phone bills, and separate PO boxes--what did he think they'd say?
If he asked them how they felt about such separate everything after their husbands had cheated on them--what did he think they'd say?
___________________________________________________________ T2fornow, I am very close to the point of giving up on this R right now.
I have fought for it, worked for it, changed for it.... but I do have some bottom lines and self-respect. I don't want to be in a relationship with a partner that is half-a$$ing it with me. I don't want to be in a R in which I am treated disrespectfully or treated like a doormat.
I have told him repeatedly that I would rather be alone than go back to the way things were before the bomb. I've also told him that if he pushed my patience to far, that he wouldn't have a home or an R to come back to.
I love Wolfie. I want our R to work, but not at ANY cost. He's had 8 months of living apart, therapy, couple's counseling. If he wants to live alone, be a "self-contained unit", have no-one to "answer to"--then I think he should go do that. I honestly want him to be happy, and I've told him many times that if being alone or with someone else is what will make him happy--then I want him to go do that.
He can't have it both ways, though. I think it's time for him to start doing more of the peddling on this bicycle-built-for-two.....or get off.
There are times when I'm reluctant to post bad things on my thread for fear of bumming folks out...and there are times when I KNOW that a bunch of my "today angst" is MY reaction to someone else's thread...and I want to post THAT as a contributing factor but then I worry about making someone else feel bad...(like, it's not enough that John Smith is going thru a tough time but now I have to point to my reaction to that as a contributing factor to my crappy attitude?)
Anyway...MHO only but reading about your stresses and how you deal with them is a help to me.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Tal, The thing is, you are right. You deserve better, you should definitely vent it out here. I dont think anyone disagrees. Maybe your new independence may shake up change in your sitch- who know? Maybe take a break- you need a recharge. He needs medicine and a new therapist! Only so much you can do here. Eventually, if you are both in love, he will come around but in the meantime, if he is down , i say you go elsewhere and have some fun without him! Shay
You're NOT bumming anyone out. In fact, some of us can commiserate with you 100%. DBing is absolutely an excellent tool BUT I firmly believe that WE have to set our boundaries or WE can't live very well with ourselves.
How many concessions do WE have to make in order for them to 'trust us' again. The very thought of them 'trusting' us seems like a paradox, hell, we're NOT the ones who created this hell with selfish, misguided thinking and deeds.
Maybe I'm to foolishly proud, maybe I've always been and that has helped create an unhealthy marriage...but I cannot allow myself to be complacent solely for my Hs benefit.
He's hurt? He's in pain? He's confused? What? Have I been on the good ship lolipop the past 14 months having a blast? I don't think so.
I am willing to be the 'initiator' in this trip down reconciliation lane BUT I will not be the only one rowing this boat forever. My H, and yours, will eventually have to grab one of the oars and help out equally or our own survival instincts will kick in and we'll be throwing them out of the boat completely and replacing the 'oars' with a new motor. (and that's not to suggest another MAN, I mean that we will find a way through life without them.)
In the back of my mind, I have a time limit. I am firm in my resolve to abide by that time frame for may own sake. Unknown to my H, his time will be up in about another 5 weeks. If he hasn't ASKED to come home before our anniversary in Oct....he won't have that option the day after. T2
There are times when I'm reluctant to post bad things on my thread for fear of bumming folks out...and there are times when I KNOW that a bunch of my "today angst" is MY reaction to someone else's thread...and I want to post THAT as a contributing factor but then I worry about making someone else feel bad...(like, it's not enough that John Smith is going thru a tough time but now I have to point to my reaction to that as a contributing factor to my crappy attitude?)
Anyway...MHO only but reading about your stresses and how you deal with them is a help to me.
Sage
oh sage,
if anyone here is the queen of "bumming people out" I'll take the cake...I'm always ranting and raving that's what I come here for.
as far as not posting the bad stuff because you don't want to bring anyone down??? oh sage...if you continously post nothing but the good stuff others will begin to think that if they aren't having it as great as you they must just not be doing it right. the bad and yuck has to come along with the good...we're not here to impress anyone with our wonderful r's...we're here to help eachother get through the muck that keeps us from having wonderful r's.
Sage, maybe we should have an agreement to NOT feel guilty about how other people might feel if we post about struggling.
If I am reluctant to "appear" like a DB failure, and you are too...
we aren't getting an honest picture of what we all go through in piecing. We're probably even adding to EACH OTHER'S discomfort (look at how positive Sage is and how much PMA she has--I don't feel like that right now, so I won't post about how I REALLY feel because then I'll feel even worse!)
It's a sad and silly thing, isn't it.
I don't know how Wolfie will respond to me after that phone message. He has no idea how close I am to saying "see ya". I hope, for both of us, that he doesn't blow it--but I have no control over that.
The only thing I DO know is that I'm not asking for anything unreasonable.
