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kat727



I figured out that I will probably have to do the bankruptcy thing and I am ashamed. I am watching everything I did after getting out of school -- nearly 35 years ago -- being unraveled in the space of 6 months.

I face what I call the PERFECT storm -- divorce final in 3 months, current job probably goes away in 4 months, house on the market for 50 cents on the dollar. So, at some point, I will be unemployed, homeless or living in a cardboard box, and in a situation where no lender will touch me. That is the reality. You've got to love all the damage someone else can inflict in a short time.

I'm tired. Time to go home and pull the covers over my head.

My advice from my divorce L was to let ex take me down. See when we were married we were making our bills, not much of an issue but when you take in to account child support for 4 kids and alimony it takes a healthy chunk out of the funds and the bills are still there. I was able to pay what the court "awarded" me but ex cashed out his 401K and was broke with in 2 months. He stopped paying his bills and I only knew because, I was getting the ones that had both of our names on them. Everything was double.

Went to a credit counselor who said I would actually have to pay more since I have some pretty low rates already and that by adding ex's "awarded" debts, I couldn't qualify. I am ill from the thought of it but I need to protect the house and the kids. The B L said he didn't want to see me struggling to pay everything and cashing stuff out and still lose everything. I am having to take the responsibility for the both of us since he doesn't know how to man up.

Sorry that you are in the same boat. I will do a lot of things differently and I won't have to pay for his accidents.

kat

Sad to say, but I have seen more than one H that was verbally, mentally and emotionally abused by a W. It is disgusting and embarrassing to watch. At first, I think a person watching may feel a little sorry for the H, but after it continues, they wonder why in the world doesn't he find his ba!!s and stand up to her and put her in her place. (Settle down all you female sisters, I mearly meant for her to show respect to him.)

I will tell you something about us females, though. Sometimes......well, actually, a lot of times......well, honestly, most of the time....we have to be convinced to respect a man. Now, guess who has to convince her? That's right, the man himself has to do it b/c if he takes whatever crap she dishes out.......she will do it.....if she's his wife. If she is not his wife, she just doesn't have to have anything to do with him. A husband does not convince his wife to respect him out of being a bully toward her, either. He does it in other ways.

A women should absolutley adore and amire her H! She should be so crazy about him that she feel like she could kiss the ground that he walks on. She won't do it, of course, not if she has any respect for herself, but that is how she should "feel" about him. Now, stop and think about it for a minute. What "if" she did actually kiss that dirty old ground he walked on? How would he feel about her and how would he treat her? I can tell you exactly how he would treat her if she went around kissing his footprints in the dirt. He would start treating her like she was the dirt!! Just like he doesn't want a female clinging to his legs everytime he starts to walk out the door or have her to cry and beg him not to ever think about leaving her and act all needy and disgusting like that. He is attracted to a woman that has a lot of self-confidence. He likes a woman that has sugar, but a whole lot of spice, too. He wants a woman with some zest for life topped with a little spunk. He admires a woman who keeps herself in shape and looks nice all the time. He respects a woman who respects herself. How am I doing? Have I got it down pretty pat, so far? Well, I could go on, but I think you are seeing what I am saying here. Men have things about them that either attract us women or they disgust us. Just as you men feel toward us. I never will forget when I heard someone say that people treat you the way you allow them to. We actually tell people by our own actions how they are allowed to treat us. If they know they can walk all over us, they usually will unless they are a very sweet, godly, or unusual person.

I think men and women allow themselves to start taking things off their spouse for one reason or another. They think, "Well, she didn't really mean what she said." "I know she is just stressed out and needs to get rid of her anger." Or maybe you take it b/c you think it is easier than getting into a "fight" b/c you know that is what it will be and you just don't have the energy for it. Maybe you do it for the sake of the kids. But actually, you are doing harm to the kids b/c you are teaching them that men are not to be respected. If you have a son.......that is bad business b/c he will act like you. If you have a daughter.....she will treat men the way she sees her mother treating you.

I can't say that I truly believe there is hope for your wife changing. I don't know if she is in MLC or not. To be completely and painfully honest with you.....and based on the type of friends and the lifestyle......it makes me think she "choses" to live that way. Now, you can chose to rise above that lifestyle and have some self respect.....or you can sink to her level. I hope that you will chose to do better and especially teach your children that "they" can do better in life and not to go down that path.

I know a young lady who came from what people would consider a "trashy" family. Well, she made up her mind that she was not going to have that life for herself as soon as she could get away from her family. When she graduated high school, she used her scholarship to go to college and she has risen above that lifestyle, but it took hard work on her part. It doesn't usually go that way b/c kids usually do whatever they see lived out before them as they are growing up. She happen to be an exception and chose to be opposite of what she hated.......being called "trash".

It is hard work and it takes a lot of energy to change what you have become accustomed to. I am not saying that you are a trashy person.....oh, my, I did not mean that! What I am trying to say is that I think over the years, you thought it was just easier to allow your W to treat you like she did-- rather than do battle with her, so her power over you grew and grew until now she is out of control and has absolutely no respect for you and I don't know if the kids do or not. You can get your children's respect, in time. As for your wife......I don't know if you'll live that long, but who knows? She sounds like everything I can't stand in a female, so you'll have to excuse me if I don't talk about her too kindly.

I have some suggestions about how to turn your life around, but this post is already long, so I'll save it for another time. I have not changed my mind about what I said in my first post. I personally think you would be a lot better off with her out of your life, but that is a decision you will have to make. I think you could become the man you want to be and it would be a lot easier (or possible) without her, b/c she will do everything in her power to keep you right where she has you......under her thumb. So, with that, I will close. But, take care of yourself b/c we care about you.

Sandi2

kat727


First, to everyone. My posts have centered on ME -- I am here for the words and for the support. That being said, I am sorry that everyone here is dealing with betrayl, crushed spirits, emotional beat downs, and last but not least, the real world financial mess their Ws's have caused. Seems like everyone of these jokers goes off on a spending binge and burns through a life's savings in months.

Mine is off living life large -- paying all the OM's bills, providing him with her vehicle, and wining and dining him.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I am responsible for all the earthly mundane things like mortgage, insurance, utilities etc -- there is no free lunch at my place.

SHE is nearly $40,000 in debt TOTAL (all run up in less than 6 months. SHE fully intends that I will be "awarded" half that debt and the court more than likely will support that position.

Basically, SHE misbehaves, and gets the big reward for doing it -- 50% of assets and 50% reduction in debt. And, even with this knowledge, my ISSUE is not about the spending, it's about the affair.

sandi2 -- First excellent post with lots of meaningful points.



I never won any of the disagreements or fights we had. My WS had a way of twisting facts to suit her purpose. Additionally, she always managed to throw in items or issues from years before. Bottomline: she was always right and I was always wrong or too blame.

{quote}What I am trying to say is that I think over the years, you thought it was just easier to allow your W to treat you like she did--rather than do battle with her, so her power over youi grew and grew until now she is out of control and has absolutely not respect for you{/quote)

No argument that she has zero respect for me (AND for herself). By way of additional background, I feel I am dealing with someone who extremely self-centered, and armed with an over-the-top sense of entitlement. Couple that with HER overblown sense of accomplishment and the situation becomes difficult. I spent a long time in the Air Force and was a fighter pilot for many years. And, no we in the trade are not all Pappy Boyingtons or the Great Santini. Most of us are level headed, straight shooters and decent humans. Had you meet my WW or MLCer you would have thought she was in the service doing the job. She took complete credit for all the flying schools I finished, all the advenced academic degrees I earned, and even for the various promotions I got.

I have never let anyone else on the planet walkover me like I have permitted this person to do.

Finally, I appreciate the perspectives offered by the ladies on this forum, and I look forward to the men (who are farther along in the recovery process) continuing to roll in and tell me to wake up and deal with reality.

Hey, I just want you to know that I am not in the boo hoo mode. I wanted to let you know that I can relate to what you are going through. I am not broken yet and if I get that way, I hear Gorilla Glue is really strong and you guys could use that to put me back together! lol

Take one step at a time and you are going to do fine.

kat

kat727

Thanks for the reply. I feel broken but know that feeling will pass with time and reflection.

Buy yourself some of that glue!! lol

kat

And this is PRECISELY one of the reasons why I am SO "nazi" about aggressively doing everything possible to bust up affairs as quickly as can be done!!! I frequently cite:

- financial damage to the family the longer it goes on (squandered family assets, legal bills, health bills, intel expenses, etc., etc.);

- continued health risk (STDs) to both the wayward spouse and the betrayed spouse, the longer the affair goes on;
- the stronger emotional bond that gets built every additional month the affair goes on, making the affair that much harder to bust;

- the very deep (and largely underreported) damage to the betrayed spouse's self esteem and even to the point of emasculation in the men;

Why ANYONE would want to sit back and let that go on for 18 months to 2 years or even LONGER is beyond me. Personally, I couldn't do it -- I felt my strength sapping after only two months. Most can't.

That all being said, Fitz, no family court judge worth their salt is going to count documentable "squandering of family assets" against your debt. Do you have record of all these expenses? Your wife (and you) will have to submit DETAILED financials to the court in any divorce action.

Puppy

Puppy

{quote} damage to the betrayed spouse's self esteem and even to the point of emasculation in the men{quote}

Damage to self esteem is for real and no joke. To the emasculation (this is pyschologically very real), I'll add eviseration -- feeling like you are gutted from gullet to groin.

{quote} Why ANYONE would want to sit back and let that go on for 18 months to 2 years or even LONGER is beyond me. Personally, I couldn't do it -- I felt my strength sapping after only two months.{quote}

This is my second time through this. I sat back for nearly 2 years and was the doormat. Sat back by my own choice and took the best shots SHE could unleash. This time I lasted 3 weeks. Managed to lose 35 pounds within the first 6 weeks. My strenght too was gone. I was not going to sit there while SHE sashayed out the door everynight -- too gut wrenching.

{quote} That all being said, Fitz, no family court judge worth their salt is going to count documentable "squandering of family assets" against your debt. Do you have record of all these expenses? Your wife (and you) will have to submit DETAILED financials to the court in any divorce action.{quote}

The financials have been turned in. My L asked for HER credit card statements going back one year. It will be interestinig to hear her explain why 3 motorcycle purchases and an additional $18,000 in impulse charges benefited the community. HER plan is I take the debt and SHE keeps the motorcycles. (WTF)