Basically in a holding pattern right now. I took today off from work to have a full 4-day weekend. Wolfie surprised me by arranging in advance to have Labor Day off to spend with me.
Had a brief R talk on the phone the other night. I didn't bring up the issue of him blowing smoke about timing of moving home, as I figure I'll bring that up this weekend in the context of asking about fears or concerns he may have about it.
But...he did tell what a relief it has been to learn in MC and individual C that we really don't have severe R problems, in fact lot's of positives and very few negatives to work on. He also said it was a relief to learn about the stages relationships go through (over and over again). He also seems to be doing a lot of work & thinking in his IC about having been very isolated, "selfish and self-centered" before and the whole reframing of "I" thinking into "we" thinking.
Very good stuff--all of this. It really does get to the root of a lot of problems we had before.
I did tell him that I was still having problems with feeling like I could fully trust, feeling safe, believing that he was really committed.
He said he didn't think he was having any reluctance about committment.
I told him that it could very well be "my stuff" that was coloring my perceptions, and that it helped to talk with him about it. Hopefully he'll do that too so we don't get so far off track ever again.
Wolfie just left with S16 to take him for sports physical, yearbook pictures and ASB Card stuff.
We did a little planning for the weekend activities, building in lot's of sleep-in time and a day at the beach.
Here's something new: I asked for a hug and got a very loooonnnggg one. He didn't let go first this time. I noticed because that's something that always bothered me...when I wanted physical affection and got short hugs & he would end them. It's a small thing, but added to my bundle of insecurities & feeling rejected.
Hi Tal, Sounds like good stuff!!! I could feel the hug!!!!! That is so wonderful--hugs are such great things---and glad he didn't pull away first--sounds like he is really coming home in all ways!!! That is one thing H said when he moved out, "you can always have hugs"--and I still get them when we do see each other--lately they haven't been so heart felt--but they are still there! Have a super weekend with H!!! Enjoy the time together making new memories!
Well, I thought I'd post a short one before Wolfie comes over and we have our long weekend.
A couple of things that have been very much on my mind:
I'm thinking things through about how our sex-life had become a disaster for about two years prior to separating. It was a vicious cycle going on. We've always had a challenge with timing--him working nights & every other weekend. Just in terms of timing, everytwo weeks was about average. When H started having physical problems sexually, thing started going downhill across the board. I have read parts of the book, the Sex Starved Marraige, and can really relate to how the dynamics of a HD/LD works. In my case, I was even more frustrated because he could do something about the problem (see a Dr. about Viagra) but he REFUSED to even discuss it. If I brought up the subject at all, he'd say he was afraid to go to a Dr. about it because he was sure it was a symptom of something seriously physically wrong.
Keeping in mind, he's a nurse, and so was worrying about everything from from cancer to diabetes....and I got all the angrier because he was allowing our sex life to dwindle down to an unsuccessful attempt once a month or so AND playing dangerous games with his health.
I'm glad I took the initiative of getting him some pharmacutical help. Reading about how a sex-starved marraige affects couples gives me a lot of insight into how we got where we got.
Anyway...the other thing I have been thinking about is how much of my anger about his infidelity and continuing to work with xOW is actually a profound sense of humiliation.
It is important to me to make the distinction because much of the humilation stems from how I feel about what other people outside our R think. I feel humiated that our kids, our families, and some of our friends know that he went outside our R, physically and sexually. I really have thought about this a lot since the gossip at his work surfaced. A big part of my need to deal with xOW in a public way had to do with my own sense of humiliation about it.
This feeling of humiliation has more to do with my OWN ego (how it makes me feel inadequate as a partner and a woman, as well as caring about what everyone else thinks).
This sense of humiliation is something I need to work on, as it actually has very little to do with the current state of our R. In fact, holding on to that feeling is a sure way for me to have continued resentments that could seriously undermine our efforts.
....just stuff I'm thinking about and trying to come to terms with.
HI Tal, I like your insights. Even though I'm not in the piecing part of things yet (not even close)--but I also think about the humiliation aspect often and always wonder if I'd be able to get over it, would be able to deal with the fact that people know H went outside the M for EA/PA--it's hard not to feel inadequat about it all. I still feel a bit humilated when I go to the gym because I don't know what people think or really know--but I was ok with all that for awhile until I learned that a friend took OW to the aport when she last visited and that friend works at the gym--so I'm sure as gossip spreads that it was tossed around the OW was here visiting H and poor W doesn't know or whatever--it's a vicious circle!!!
Hang in there though-it seems that you are identifying the problems and realize that they could become bigger problems if left to manifest themselves. I think you are amazing in your reflections and insights about yourself and your H. Good job! Have a super long weekend with H!
My 2 cents worth on the "people who know" issue. I worried about that quite a bit until one day it dawned on me...Hey wait a damn minute, I haven't got anything to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. I haven't cheated on my spouse, I'm not the woman that was so inept at finding a single man that I settled for the crumbs of some other woman's life. I don't have to sneak around and be gossiped about behind my back because I'm doing something morally reprehensible. And ZAP...all discomfort about "who knows, who's talking" went up in a puff of smoke. So NOW when my H and I go somewhere that I'm nervous we may 'see' someone who "knows" I hold my head high and think to myself as "they're giving me those 'knowing looks'...That's right ladies and gents, he's here with his W...the ONE he's still with, the one he still loves, the one HE'LL always want in his life even IF someday I decide he can NO longer have ME."
I turn it around on "them"....and it makes me feel stronger. T2
Hi T2 & Tal, Yes you can both feel that way now and hold your help up high because H's are back with you-- For me, H isn't back and all three of us worked at the same gym until OW moved out of town--so most employees know about the A and they are all "nice" to me, but I can feel the "poor Pam" in their voices and I don't want their pity--I really don't want them to look at me as the wife who was cheated on--although I know it spins them around when H and I are together at the gym (that happened once recently)--and I'm sure OW found out--always those mouths and ears to "spy" for her since she's been gone! Oh well--but yes, when he comes back I think it will be easier to deal with the "whoknows" issue..but then there is that "they must think I"m stupid for taking him back" notion that I'm sure will need to be dealt with.!!!
Sorry, I didn't mean to imply that my H was back in the sense that we're cohabitating again...because we're not.
What I meant by "back" is that he's back in my life for the past few months and NOT in anyone else's. He is working on reconciliation (although at his speed and in his way) along with me.
Whether or not H and I will make it all the way to living under the same roof again, is still up in the air.
Let those tongues wag...and remember it comes from their OWN fear that it could OR might be happening to them...so it's easier for them to look at YOUR life (of which they know nothing) than to take to close a look at their own.
Hi T2- Sorry if I came across b#tchy!! I didn't have my morning coffee yet--LOL! I'm just frustrated because my H isn't even close--he's still "with" OW-at least as much as allowed since she lives in so. calif--but he's showing little interest if any in me....so I let little things get to me, like the worker at the gym that drove OW to the airport last time she was here since H had to work--I know that worker looks at me and wonders what I know, whose telling the truth, etc etc. I know I'm the better person in all of this--so I try to keep my head up high!! There are some days though that is a tough task! Congrats that you and your H are making progress and at least he has dumped OW!! Keep working the program here and I'm sure you'll have a happy ending/new beginning!!! Take Care,
Thanks for the thoughts on "other people who know" stuff, T24now. I'll use some of that.
I think, aside from the xOW in the workplace problem, the hardest is with my family. Being biased, they are taking an attitude that they'll tolerate this reconcilliation, but mutter around that I should have kicked Wolfie to the curb and that I'm too good for him, so why am I giving him a second chance. Sigh....
Anyway, it was a good weekend. We mostly just hung out, went to a movie, finished school shopping for S16.
I never did bring up the issue of what his concerns might be about moving home.
In fact, I only brought up one R talk thing. At one point, I asked him if he'd ever thought about being grateful or relieved that I didn't give up on him. {{and, no I didn't say it with any blame or sarcasm in my voice--just damn curious to know if the thought had ever crossed his brain waves at any time.}}
"Sure!" he said, "I thought I told you that."
"Nope", says me.
"HMMMMM...!" says him, (as if to say--I think I forgot something important)
Yes, I admit it...I want the "I can't believe you put up with all my BS for the last year, you were SO patient with me. I am SO grateful that you didn't give up on me and fought for our R, and I'd rather roll over and die than ever risk loosing you again!" speach.
I may never get that, but--yeah I do admit that I'd like some amount of recognition and appreciation that I didn't kick him to the curb--treat him like he was a ghost, and some of the other things I've heard my more biased friends and family members say I shoulda done.
So anyway....I did bring it up in a way that he can chew on the thought for a while. I don't put him on the spot with questions very much, because I often get the bonehead "I'm still HERE, aren't I?" response if I don't give him time to think about what he wants to say.
