Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? The house is on the market

Hi guys

I thought I would start a new thread as this seemed like an opportune time and the old one will probably lock soon.

A quick recap...

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1668904&page=1&fpart=1

1st bomb - H moved out in Oct 2007, I pursued for 6 months.
2nd bomb - May 2008, I found out he had been on holiday with ow. H said he no longer wants to try. I found DBing and backed off.
November 2008 - I find out he has moved in with ow.
Jan 2009 - we put the house on the market, but h is responding more positively at the moment.

So, after h and I putting the house on the market last night I feel quite exhausted today. I have felt strong urges to reach out to h last night and today but I have resisted, I have been looking for excuses to contact but I realise this is a cheeseless tunnel. As h left he parted with 'let me know if you hear anything from the agents' so I will listen to him and only contact on that basis for the moment. We have had a huge amount of contact over the past week so I will let him digest that for a while. Whenever I have tried to build on 'momentum' before it has never worked so this will be a learning curve for me.

JCJ,

Something you said struck a chord with me. I have tried to build on momentum with my H too, and it never works. Only when he sets the pace do things go well. I know how difficult it can be to resist that urge, so good for you.

My H and I are separated and I believe he is in some mix of MLC/depression. Things have been better and we have reached the friendship stage and it is killing me to let him set the pace. I just keep thinking, look how much progress we've made in the last 6 weeks, why can't you go the rest of the way? But, he can't yet. So, like you, I am learning to take my cues from him.

Thanks for your post. It helped me feel better this morning by reminding me to let him set the pace.

V.

Hi ((Julia)) You are doing so well!!! I know you are probably still reeling from yesterday. Stay strong & keep that postitive momentum within you going!!

Hi Julia,

Well yes, I guess you could respect what he said and only contact him about the estate agents.. but also, looking at my ex's reaction whenever I DO contact him, my RL people say they feel he doesnt have the right to contact me, after what he has done. It would be a shame if you couldnt stay friends.

How about, stop seeing it as pursueing (as you can say I dont want him back) and just treat him like a good mate.. then yuou might be more relaxed and natural about contacing him.

I dashed an email off to my ex today, didnt thikn anbout it, edit it, I felt like I was writing to an old work mate of mine I only see now every few mnths but we email now and then our gossip and joke around a bit.. so thats what I did! Worked much better and felt more natural. I said to my Mum.. should I not send it yet? Wait a day or so? She said. no! Send it! Whats the worst that can happen? He's already gone! Treat it like a converstaion, be normal.. and you know what, he wrote back straigt away, twice !

Anywa, waffling... ! hope you are ok,
Al xxxx

Hey All

I just have a really brief moment to post but I wanted some urgent advice on something. H emailed me and has said that he has had an unexpected tax bill and could he put the money on our credit card (my credit card which I told him he could no longer use). It is not very much but really, his bills are no longer my responsibility - he left, chose to move in with ow I shouldn't have to bail him out right? Plus the bill is for his new apartment!!! Nothing to do with me, why should I pay for his new life.

The debt on the card is a joint debt and we have agreed that we will pay it off from the house. BUt this is adding to it which I haven't done since we split. Basically he is looking for a loan I think. It isn't very much money but I feel like it would be enabling him to say yes but I don't know how to say no.

From what he has said he already has his own credit card, he has the latest play station, a new car... He no longer pays towards the house and we are on our mortgage break at the moment so at the moment he is paying nothing to me, which is fine, the new mortgage is in the pipeline.

What do you think I should do? It wouldn't hurt me to say yes, but I just don't feel that it is anything to do with me now. How do I say in the nicest possible way 'sorry not my problem'? Or should I just say yes for an easy life?

I'm sorry Julia. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. You agreed that nothing else would go on the credit card, correct? Then he needs to stick to that agreement. If he needs money, can't he go to his parents? He made this mess himself and now he has to pay the consequences.

I know, sounds harsh, but don't back down. Saying 'yes' wouldn't create an easy life for you, only for him. One more way he can manipulate your feelings.

Sorry, this is probably coming across really negatively isn't it? I just don't want to see you hurt further on and I really feel that this is his problem to deal with. He doesn't want the M then he gets NONE of the benefits.

I think I agree with Mishka! It would be tempting to say yes, it is so easy. But I think it is time for him to realize that he has chosen to split up, his problems are his problems now.

((((((Julia))))))

Why not do a 180... send him a normal chatty email, say you're surprised he wants to do that, doesnt he have his own credit card? Can he not get a loan, or borrow it from family? And then maybe say, you would prefer to keep things simple, by not adding to this debt (and having to apportion the monthly interest payments, like x to him, cos he added this to the total).. so could he do everything he can to try and raise the money elsewhere? That way, you are saying no, but in a friendly reasonable way.

But maybe I am just crap at boundaries, as I probably would've just said yeah ok ! Hows things anyway? What happened after the date/snog the other day?? Seeing him again? (nose, snoop, probe... etc)

Al xxx

Hey Julia, I agree with everyone else & say no. Has he been treating you like a friend you would loan money to?? Or is he more like a business partner & you are just bailing him out?

I agree with Ali, it would be so easy to say - yes, I would want to too. Ahhh, we are so nice.....

As to what to say, I like Ali's response. I would also think about closing that credit card account - if it's at all possible. Remember, protect yourself & your future.

(((All)))

Thank you so much for your help!

I have been thinking it over and I am not going to be that safety net. He said in our last meeting he had his own credit card now. Why should I be lending him the money to pay for the tax on his new flat - especially as he is selling this house at the moment. I have lent him money for the new car, agreed to the mortgage break for a while; I don't think I could have been more amenable.

Why can't he ask his girlfriend?? I will think of a tactful way to say nope. I am not a pushover and I don't think I am unreasonable I am however bad at saying no

As that card has joint debt on it I can't close it - we will pay it off with the proceeds of the house but it is primarily in my name so that debt is in my name. I think Jeff said it right his problems are his problems, if he wanted my support he could have stayed married to me then he would have had it unconditionally.

Anyway enough ranting

The house is on the market now and there are loads of viewings which is good and bad. It means I am going to have to start making plans and decisions for my future, basically where to live!

H has been in contact a lot - practically every day asking questions about house stuff. I haven't initiated, I am finding it hard to fathom communicating with him at the moment but I am being polite and answering at different times, sometimes waiting sometimes not. He usually answers straight away but his texts are very unemotional and it is just house stuff.

Having people looking round my house is quite hard. I have created an island for myself here and it is being invaded! Other than that I have my oldest best friend staying at the moment which is really nice and am enjoying life.

I so appreciate your help, it is hard to know if I am letting anger or resentment cloud my judgement. I know I sound quite hard at the moment, but then part of me wants to be nice as that is my instinct.

Right definitely stopping now