Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy My worst fears confirmed! Wife having EA/PA...

Puppy,

I agree totally.. This situation can't continue like this These are her choices, her decisions.

There is NO WAY I can continue giving the M a chance to heal with her in contact with OM. Which happened last night again. I blocked his number on our account and changed all settings so she has no access to the account. Maybe not the best idea but until she comes to the table on this, no way I am paying for the destruction of our marriage.

She repeatedly says she needs a separation to figure things out. Maybe she is truthful about that or maybe she just wants to pursue other M. I can't possibly know because I don't think she can know right now.

I do need to call her bluff on the OM and force her to a decision. She is making her life a mess and dragging me and the kids down with her. No doubt her response will center around my initial actions which of course were unfathomable, but i have owned my part. She needs to own hers and if she feels she wants the OM then I can't control that and she will have to live with her decision.

I need to completely detach from her and it's virtually impossible living in the same house and raising four kids. She's not working, not trying very hard to change that, so she compounds the problem of no structure.

She is quickly becoming a cake eater from the standpoint of the convenience of living in a shared home.

Again she is an amazing woman, but the fog is so set in she can't make a real decision at all right now. So I am going to have to set some firm boundaries.

Transparency...Like you said I doubt she will buy off on that because it will seem like control which is like death to her now. But she has to make a choice. I refuse to be a doormat while she "explores" this thing with OM.

I need to come up with a plan I think and call her bluff.

*Interesting side note: Before she left last night I told her I wanted to tell the kids what the situation is. It can't be "covered up" anymore. She immediately became hesitant and wanted to "think it over". I said fine think about it over night and we will talk about it tomorrow.

This is my initial ideas at this point. I plan on going really dark after a decision is made. I mean really dark. I know I am frustrated and every other emotion imaginable but this has to go one way or the other. I need to recover from this limbo state that can't progress with OM.

I love her with all my heart, but as a Christian man, I cannot just accept this state. It is wrong. As wrong as my EA.

She has to figure it out and can't the way things are...

By the way having her see the new me doesn't seem to do squat when she can't even figure out who she is...

Thoughts? Sorry for the long post...

My thought it you sound like you have a great grasp of it, and are on the right track. I agree with almost everything you said.

Is this OM married? Have you considered a full-circle exposure as part of your plan?

How old are your children again?

The only thing I disagree -- sort of -- is on the account block thing. I might also DO it, but I would TELL her that I'm doing it, and why -- listing the same reason you gave above. I did this with my wife's cell phone, and a few other affair-related things, and told her "I will not pay to enable you to have an affair." I think it comes across as MUCH stronger, rather than sneakily using technology to block her access, which she will only view as childish.

If you want, I can dig up a copy of my "Finances" e-mail that I sent to my wife, and share it with you. It included not paying for her tummy tuck, cellphone, make-up, lingerie -- anything that she was using to facilitate her affair and to make her more attractive to someone other than her husband.

Puppy

Puppy,

The blocking is a temporary thing to stop the connection if only for a moment until I can communicate with her on the other part of it. I need a break from the contact until I can grab a hold and force some choices.

I don't want to control anything with her ultimately however some boundaries need to be put in place. I will tell her what you spoke of above..

Children are SD15, S12, S9, S7.

OM is divorced, and supposedly an old friend from HS before it went out of control. I was actually supporting the friendship for her until I found out about the EA.

On another note, here is a note from a Christian brother, what do you think?:

"A separation is a bad idea. It will only lead to divorce. She wants a separation because she wants to go out clubbing, hook up with her other man, and not have to come home to you after wards. She doesn't want you to know what is going on.

DO NOT LEAVE THE MARITAL HOME! If you do, plan on being a Tuesday and every other weekend dad and being locked out of your home for good.

If you want to recover your marriage you need her to cut all contact with the other man, and you need to spend MORE alone time together to reconnect. Separating will only allow you to further withdraw from each other.

She is an active wayward spouse. Just think back to all the lies and sneaking around you did when you were still actively wayward. She is in the same mindset currently. Just think, if you were living on your own while you were having your affair, and the other woman came into town, don't you think you would have hooked up with her at your place? Your wife might never have found out. That's what your wife is currently thinking. Don't let her manipulate you with statement's like, "I won't divorce you now if you agree to separate for now while I sort some things out." That is pure manipulation, and the only thing she wants to sort out is her relationship with the other man. You know, you were just a wayward spouse.

You just say that you know that you CAN put your marriage back together, it's just a matter of doing the right things to reconnect, and you will do whatever it takes to make that happen for her and the family. When she says separation, you say that you've talked to a marriage counselor and he recommended against that because it almost always leads to divorce. It's true, it's not just me saying it. Look it up for yourself. Also, the drinking with her girlfriends all the time and contacting OM has got to stop. Don't let her walk all over you."

Trying to make a plan...

Okay so the initial stage is over and I am really messed up.

It hit me like a tidal wave today. I feel physically ill. I have NEVER felt anything like this. To think what I put HER through. This is almost unbearable. She left last night (2nd night in a row), called OM, not sure why. Have no idea if shes coming back or what.

Took the kids to church and I just was numb sitting there.I have no idea what to do...This is the most lost feeling I have ever had.

We have to be out of the house in a month or two and have to rent..She's thinking two small homes for a separation. i don't know how we can afford that. So staying in the marital home...She tells me she dreads being here when I am here. What now?

Jeff

Just questions I have:

What made you finally end it with OW?

How did your wife treat you when you were with OW?

Did your wife know about OW at the time it was going on?

Mel

Mel,

Ended it because it broke my heart to break my wife's and couldn't bear to break up my family and children. plus it was wrong and the drug wore off.

She treated me very well and committed to working through it. I was still very angry and was feeling brutal about myself and said horrible things to her, eventually shutting her dowm.

She found emails between me and the OW..But no she didn't until then.

Jeff

Did the compassion she had for you (or did she have any?) help you feel good about staying in the marriage or not? Were there nights she ended up keeping the kids while you were with OW, unbeknownst to her?

I don't know quite where I am going with this. The drug had worn off for me, too, when I decided I wanted to make it work. But H had changed his mind by then. Which he is perfectly entitled to. Except that now he wants to crucify me for the A and he is doing exactly what I did. I am trying to have compassion. He is choosing it out of spite, though and I don't think your wife is choosing it out of spite.

You sound like a strong type a personality who is used to getting what he wants. Maybe I'm wrong. Would your wife say she felt like there was equal partnership in the marriage? My H would say we are partners, but no, because what he wants/needs always counts just a little bit more than i want/need.

What does she say about why things "went wrong"?

mel

Mel,

You instincts are good. You pretty much sized me up perfectly.

A month ago she asked to work on the friendship (which I would kill for right now) but I did all the wrong things. Pursued, begged, pleaded, ect. and pushed her into the EA which she says was just a friendship at the time. Wish I knew about DBing a month ago!

So know the friendship bloomed and became an EA which in her fog she is mistaking for love. He has now made a different choice. Except for the fact that after I confronted her yesterday she called him last night. 20 min convo so I dunno what it was about. maybe letting him know that I know now..Who knows?

She had a lot of compassion..At least I think so. She says it was how I treated her AFTER the EA came out that killed it for her. She is a believer in "when I'm done I'm done and I don't come back." I think its BS.

I took my relationship for granted and let her carry the emotional load for the family. I was not a great guy a lot. And she feels that the marriage wasn't very good for 14 years. I don't agree with all of it but she is right about most. i own that. I definitely was self-centered and it was always about me.

So now I have confronted..She went to her girlfriends house for the second night in a row.

I don't know what will happen next and I have no plan...Aghhhh!

Jeff

Jeff,

I am also one of those "when I say i'm done, i'm done" gals. The truth is...it's not true. It's not true until there is just too much hurt and pain to get through.

My H gave me the space and I appreciated it immensely. It was nice to finally get back to "choosing" him, even though it was too late.

Please don't use the kids against her, or as a way to manipulate her. Leaving them is the last things she probably wants. But if, like me, she has been their primary caregiver (and I think she has if she hasn't been working), she is friggin exhausted. Try staying home with the kids and see how well you do. Ever hear Lonestar's "Mr. Mom"?

Before the end of your affair, before you were out of the fog, how would you have reacted to some of the things you are trying to impose on her now? I guess that's my thing. If she would have said, "This is your stuff and you need to own it." and "You are choosing to leave the kids." and whatever else you have said to her, how would you have reacted? Would have brought you closer or pushed you farther?

I understand you have to have boundaries. I am by no means telling you to put up with whatever.

So, what does say about where your relationship went wrong? I am thinking it started back with your A, and that she never really got over it, but that her hurt her deeply. Since then you've probably been working loads of overtime and putting her to the side? Just guessing.

Try to keep her in the house so that you can show her that you are changing to for the better. I wouldn't use the kids against her or make her feel like she is having to choose herself over the kids. I think that will backfire on you. Let her stay at her GFs if she wants. Be able to make sure she is there.

I could write you a book on how I have felt like I didn't matter in this M, brought on by several things.
1. Drinking.
2. Military M, where the spouse does whatever the H and military tell her to do.
3. Never being allowed to have any input about when and if we are moving to new station instead of staying in the same one forever because H feels "just so comfortable" here.
4. H refusing to consider selling the house to move into something bigger. "I'm happy here."

Anyway. Good luck!!!!

Mel

I think I agree wholeheartedly with your Christian brother.

Puppy