Yes Root I know, I was worried that people here would take my post wrong this morning. I was just posting thoughts going through my mind. I am not going to do anythings except make this transision as smoth as possible for W. She got a little "snippy" last night while working on her computer. I am not taking it personal, I know even though she is acting calm on the outside she is real nervus inside. I am going to let things coast right now. W has been turned down so many times I really do not think she even expected to get this job. She is trying to finish up her on line classes and studying things about the job so I am going to TRY to keep son out of her hair and not "disturb" her myself.
Doc.
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
No worries you have your own problems to deal with,
Journaling....
So I get a phone call from Youngest D she is crying hysterically. Telling me she wants to come home. I asked if her BF was hurting her physically. She said no. I told her I would be right there.(I just got home from work. She lives in the town I work in so I had to drive back the 30 miles.. Longest 30 miles in my life. So I get there and I was surprised to see the A.H B.F still hanging around. I did not do or say anything to him because I did not want to upset my Daughter anymore. I loaded her stuff on my truck and took her back to my Mom's house. So At least I got her out of that sitch. On the way to my mom's she started saying things like.. "I remember when we went on that cross country trip in this truck" and "remember when we went to Disneyland in this truck" This was bringing back memories to me.
So on the home front?
It is strange. My W is starting to evolve back to her smiling ways. I can feel the "ICE" melting. I have given her plenty of space and helping out when I can. MY palm (PDA) died yesterday and she wanted me to go pick up a new one. After I got back from getting D I went and picked one out. I did not realize it but I ended up getting the same one she has. She was over at my desk helping me set it up. I kept telling her "I know you have things to do don't worry I can do this" but she wanted to help. So I let her. We actually joked and laughed about some silly stuff that was happening. So here is where I think I may be at.......
If I can continue to give her space. AND IF I can let go of the past and just move forward. I think I may be able to nourish our relationship back. Of course I have not been pursuing or talking about R and this just may be a result of that. She May be thinking "he finely will leave me alone about R stuff" I don't know..In a way I am disappointed because I was ready to move on. I was actually looking forward to not having to work on our M anymore. But......You see I already test drove this car.. I know what problems it has.... If go out and get a new one I would have to learn it's problems all over again.
So here The Doc sits going to "coast" for a week or so and see what happens
Later Doc
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Just make sure she doesn't think that you are accepting the relationship where you just live as friends. One thing you wrote a while back....you said something about how she said that you would be thinking about other things if you were intimate with her, and she would, too, etc. That, to me, just says she is dealing with what she has done. Once you have an affair, you have taken away something from a marriage that can't come back...that innocence, etc.......what would help BOTH of you is to realize that, yes, this is gone...BUT, you can have a new, BETTER relationship. Albeit a different one, but a happy one. It just takes work. She went to retrouvaille with you. Were there speakers there she could call to talk to? One of my speakers was one I could relate to greatly. She may benefit from talking to her.
you just live as friends. One thing you wrote a while back....you said something about how she said that you would be thinking about other things if you were intimate with her, and she would, too, etc. That, to me, just says she is dealing with what she has done. Once you have an affair, you have taken away something from a marriage that can't come back...that innocence, etc.......what would help BOTH of you is to realize that, yes, this is gone...BUT, you can have a new, BETTER relationship.
WDID,
YOU are so right. I NEED to get past this mostly. You see My W did have an affair with this guy BEFORE we were married also. SO in reality he had sex with her before me. That is what I tried to tell her. If he was going to leave his wife for her he would have done it 27 years ago.. Not sure if she undersood this but that is what I was trying to tell her when I said I woold not be thinking about "them two having sex" I would be thinking " I got her back" meaning someting / someone I lost is mine agian.. Understand? and that I could rebuild my trust as long as it did not happen agian.
Doc
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
I think you've got the right game plan going. Just give her space and make every interaction with her enjoyable without any R talks.
That's what I've been doing and it attracted my W back home. We still sleep in the same bed and it's been okay so far and my next step is to work on the physical stuff.
One step at a time is what seems to work best.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
But......You see I already test drove this car.. I know what problems it has.... If go out and get a new one I would have to learn it's problems all over again.
You hit the nail on the head with this one!!!! Quite a few of my D friends have learned this one the hard way. Yeah, it's perfect and wonderful for the first year or two, but eventually it's just a similar set of problems and sometimes MUCH worse.
Interestingly, the ones it seems to hit hardest are those who expect things to be better. The ones who are realistic and understand it won't necessarily be better, (just "different") seem to do better.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Ok Wife sat down with me at the dinner table. ( I brought home some KFC). We talked about her mom a little. (I was over her mom's house working in her garden earlyer today. I reminded W that her mom said W was going to take her shopping this weekend. Wife got a little upset Saying she needed to wash the sheets and get "her room" ready and wanted to go buy some clothes for her new job yada yada yada...
SO I told her if she wanted to hold off until next weekend to move out of son's room it would be alright with me. NOW remember I have not said anything to W all week about moving out of son's room or any R Stuff .. So she was doing thins kind of on her own. When I said she could wait she said "That would really help me out" So I was not being weak. I just wanted W to be as rested and comfortable as possibe when she shows up to work on Monday.(she has not worked in over a year)..
But did I lose ground here? any imputs?
Doc.
P.S Wife seems realy at ease around me since our last talk.
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
What's a week in the scheme of things. It's obvious that she now places importance on the things you say. She was going to do it even though it was difficult for her. Just make sure it does happen soon. Your son needs his right to privacy.
She said no. I told her I would be right there.(I just got home from work. She lives in the town I work in so I had to drive back the 30 miles.. Longest 30 miles in my life.