The trouble is I can't change my wanting give her affection.
((((((((((((((( Cinco))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) HMMM? Yes this is tricky isn't it? I wish I had answers for you. I DO AGREE W/S&A. She is searching for pity. Instead of trying to look at her part in the problem Check out the NNMNG site like S&A suggested. It can not hurt... and stop apologizing for loving her. K? You love her , it isnt going to change anytime soon and no one is here to judge you. We are all here for you.
S&A - Thanks for the comments. I have looked at NMMNG before and very little applies to me (maybe something like 10% of it). I will look again though. This is not only about sex either... it's lack of affection and intimacy on any level. It's another one of those things that her family life growing up taught her. They just don't show their love through touching. It's all about commitment and acts of service to her.
I'm still here, I'll always be here for you... Oh and I made lunch for you too. For me that's all well and good... still feels like there is a disconnect without the touching.
When you are centered and have all of this positive energy to give, what are you supposed to do when your gift annoys your partner?
Still no answer about the "Letter". As I've said I think I already heard her answer. As things settle down after her going back to work I may get to talk with her again. Until then I'll just have to wait.
Any thoughts to the next step. I am also waiting on a reply, but what do we do if there is none. Hmmmmmmmmm I think we are hooped Cinco. I have to say that I am feeling that the " outlook does not look good."
Did you ask her to wrote you back, or are you waiting for her to actually talk to you?
Diane, you know I never thought to ask her to write me back. I have been waiting for her to talk to me though. We did exchange emails during the day a while back but it all seemed so impersonal when I could hand write letters and hand them to her. Maybe the email wasn't such a bad thing, those were the only lengthy responses I ever got from her.
If there are no changes at all my next step is an ultimatum and a separation. It's all I have left. I really had a lot of hope when I started this journey. Now it's down to my last resort if it comes to that.
The reason I have chosen e-mails ( for the time being ) Is my H is VERY uncomfortable talking about sex etc... So, I am hoping that after awhile of e-mailing and talking it won't be such a scary subject. Also, I found when I was waiting for a verbal response he froze because of what he felt was pressure. I am however assuming that, but I am pretty sure. He wouldn't know what to say and it was like he was facing a firing squad. This way, its at this own pace, and he can say what he wants without worrying. It is impersonal to a certain degree, but I hope it will lead into verbal conversations eventually. Right now, your W may be thinking >>> " OMG, What do i say? ( or ) What does he want from me?" Then they are so afraid to make things worse by not saying the right thing ( what they think we want to hear ) So, they say nothing and hope it just goes away.... Just a thought. I say these things because I think your W and my H share the same way of dealing with things.
(( MY 2 cents )) (( Cinco )) Hang in as we always say :P
I tried talking with W before she had to leave for work today. After writing umpteen letters to her over the last year and attempting to talk with her explaining what I feel is missing in our relationship (a physical bond between us with her wanting me as much as I want her), she still does not understand what it is that I want. WTF?
Talking with her about this (us) almost always turns into an argument. She says she thinks about the things that I write and say, she just never tells me what she is thinking. I asked her to think about it and tell me what she wants from our relationship. I hope she will really do this.
I hope this made it clear to her what it is that I want. When she said "I don't push you away", my answer was no you haven't been pushing me away but you don't pull me towards you either. That is what I want.
She told me, "You should feel lucky. I let you do whatever you want to do, you have so much freedom. I don't check up on you, I trust you. Many guys would envy the relationship that we have."
I tried to find out if there is some underlying resentment towards me that she has. She claims that there is none. We talked about how things seemed to change between us when our D was born. She talked about how overwhelmed and tired she was taking care of the baby. Then she said it just got to be a habit.
Finally I talked about how happy I thought it would make her to be a stay at home mom. She said she is happy....
Sigh..... This is our trouble I am afraid... she is happy and contented with the way things have been. It is me that is not happy, I'm the one rocking her peaceful boat and she can't understand why. She even said again she doesn't think that we have a problem and I tend to blow things out of proportion.
You know my very first post on this board was, How do I get through to her? I feel like I've not made any progress at all in this regard.
I said to her, I feel so frustrated, I am telling you what it is I want in our marriage. I work so hard to try to improve our relationship, yet I feel like I am the only one doing all of the work. I need to feel that you want this too and will work as hard as I am. It feels so one-sided to me. Please work on this too.
We are rocking the boat, and that's one of the reasons this is so frustrating. I truly think if we stopped, our spouses would be tickled pink. Wish I had some words of wisdom here, or even some advice maybe on where to go next but I have none. :S We are both at a stand still I'm afraid.
I do hope you get an answer eventually. Was there any comment after you said what you did at the end?
Jayce and DQ convinced me the only way to get through was I must continue to rock the boat. I totally agree Diane, when we stop R-talking and try to give them space and time they are tickled that we have finally dropped this nonsense so they can be content again in their status quo. For them nothing is wrong and they don't understand how important this is to us.
I will keep asking until I get the answers to how we move forward. No more waiting, now is the time.
When I said "It feels so one-sided to me. Please work on this too. That's when she answered with, "I don't push you away."
Her idea of working on it is to occasionally give in to me yet not still to really want it.
We talked again this morning and she said that much of what you think about H, revolves around sex. For her it is just not that important. As we get older it just isn't that big of a deal.
That's when I said it is a big deal, I don't want to let this part of myself wane. I don't feel any different about wanting sex than I did 20 years ago.
I'm not sure if we will be able to meet halfway on this now. She says she will try but there a part of me that knows it will never be right for us again. She even said it makes her feel silly to be the center of attention... even when it's just the two of us.
So all of the things that most women die for there husbands to do for them: {be romantic, bring them flowers, write flirty notes, hold hands, kiss, snuggle and say "I love you"} make her feel uncomfortable and silly.
No wonder nothing I do makes her feel closer to me. I'm just encroaching on her time and space and taking her out of her comfort zone. I don't know what else to do but these normal things.
"When you are centered and have all of this positive energy to give, what are you supposed to do when your gift annoys your partner?"
If that truly is the situation, if you finally know that you want to give from abundance (rather than need from emptiness), then you move on. You find a woman that does want to feel your energy and be "loved open", and you give your wife the equal freedom to be loved by a man on her own terms.
That is easy to state and even to understand - its much tougher to live by - but ultimately its you that has to make that decision.
S&A
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.
Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.
"When you are centered and have all of this positive energy to give, what are you supposed to do when your gift annoys your partner?"
If that truly is the situation, if you finally know that you want to give from abundance (rather than need from emptiness), then you move on. You find a woman that does want to feel your energy and be "loved open", and you give your wife the equal freedom to be loved by a man on her own terms.
That is easy to state and even to understand - its much tougher to live by - but ultimately its you that has to make that decision.
