Holy cow! You mean I actually got something half right? That NEVER happens!
I can dish it out, just can't apply it myself very well. BBJ and I have a lot of the same personality traits it seems so I can almost 'see' her thought process where Dan is concerned.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Continue to be a loving supportive wife because that is what you are. A man would have to be a total idiot not to see how much love I am giving and how lucky he is to have me....he will 'wake up' and realize what he is losing by leaving me.....
My thought process today is
Being loving and supportive for a year has given him a year to explore (or NOT! ) his feelings, think, think, and overthink without having to make any real decisions. It has given him time to just keep slowly backing away. It's like he has been looking at me/facing me the whole time and I've had my eyes on his face without realizing that all the while he was backing further and further away.
I didn't explain that well, I know. I just mean he has done just enough reaching out and sharing with me to keep me connected to him, yet he has distanced himself at the same time? Like our connection is entirely at his will....I get as much of his time and attention as he is willing to give me, period. We were talking about this on someone elses thread, whoever is less 'attached' has the power....
Anyway I am rambling so I will stop. I just feel a little naive that I kept trusting that if I just loved enough it would somehow work out for me
Now I am aware that is not the case, so I am taking care of me and building my "bobbi jo" life...
Don't second guess yourself. I think you did the right thing. The problem isn't what you did, or didn't do. The problem is Dan's brokenness. You didn't fail.
Bobbi, I know how it feels. It feels unnatural to distance yourself form the man you love. Especially when you think that you are the only one keeping your connection alive since he has expressed he is not sure about what he wants.
It is the instict that tells you to keep "stretching" yourself to reach him, to fill the distance he creates/created. I remember thinking "this cant be right, I should hold on to him, not keep away, let him go". The truth is that no matter how hard we stretch ourselves, if they are not willing to cover their part of the gap, the opposite happens, they take steps back to maintain the space they need. What did help me, was thinking of the 6 months prior his departure when I really stretched myself as much as it was humanly possible with no results. Also, after a while, I had this "love and let him be free" principle, I came to the conclusion that I needed him to choose ME with his own free will, that if it was meant to be, things would change.
Try and stop thinking in terms of days/weeks and dont occupy your mind with what he is doing or not. In a way I guess this is what will happen with our kids also when they grow up. We will need to let them go, no matter how worried we will be about them, against our motherly insticts, hoping that what we taught them will keep them safe and that the conection we have created with them will remain strong (I hope I makes sense).
This time, you must have faith that Dan will realise what you had and find his way back. On his own. xxx K
Took a personal day today. Spending the morning dividing up my childrens' toys, books, puzzles, and games so Dan can have half for his place. Not to make life easier for Dan, but to make it more comfortable and home-like for my children....
And as a side benefit and I am re-gaining some space in my house!
Dan got home last night from Canada. Called from the airport to tell me he landed. Then called from the road to tell he when he was ten minutes away. WTF And he actually said when he called from the airport "I will be home as soon as I pick up my bags." If this is home I wonder what he will call his new house?
Anyway his dad called to say they hit a deer while going to see my niece play basketball. They were 5 miles from the town where the game was so BIL/SIL picked them up and took them to the game. But Dan said he would go get them from that place (50 miles away) and load their car on BIL's trailer and drive them back to Glenwood. Don't know why BIL couldn't do that...
So as soon as kids were in bed Dan said he was leaving to help his parents. I must have made a face, he asked "What". I said "You told me when I sent you the plans I had written up on Monday that you would talk to me about it on Wednesday night, then Wednesday you said you would talk to me about it tonight..."
Dan said he would call his parents and tell them he couldn't help. I said of course that isn't my point, you could call me while you are driving there and we could talk.
He said "Well first off, I thought I was giving you more money that what you wrote down". I told him if he wanted to give more that was up to him but I needed to know the precise amount he was putting on his paycheck drafting form so I knew what was being deposited in my acct. so I could do my budget.
Anyway as soon as I mentioned the kids he got all irritable. Then he said he would tell them Saturday, but that he wanted us to then spend all of Saturday and Sunday together WITH the kids so they could see that we were still a family and that we could help them if they were struggling with the news.
Then he just got short with me and I told him I didn't see the need for the attitude. He said he wasn't mad at me...
I said okay, tomorrow (Friday/today) night then we need to practice what we are going to say to the kids. I don't think it is a good idea to leave it open-ended because I don't think that is the case. (Meaning I don't think we will be getting back together) H got all frustrated and stood up and said, "I DO want to leave it open b/c I meant what I said (that we could get back together". Then he went and got his shoes and left to help his parents...
hey BBJ, Not an easy thing speaking with the kids. i can't eally give you any special advice other than what I think is important is for them to see that mommy and daddy are friendly together.
Gee, looks like he's the only one who gets to decide what he wants to do with his life! You are like the house, with a door that opens and closes -- he can go out when he wants and he can come in when he wants. I didn't know humans worked that way.
Have a very nice w/e ..enjoying the kids and get togethers with friends, etc. Make sure it has zero to do with knucklehead. That way you absolutely can't enable or organize his complete chaos for him.
Be one with the Lord. Glorify Him and receive his warm, loving comfort.
That NEVER happens!
) his feelings, think, think, and overthink without having to make any real decisions. It has given him time to just keep slowly backing away. It's like he has been looking at me/facing me the whole time and I've had my eyes on his face without realizing that all the while he was backing further and further away.
