Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy My worst fears confirmed! Wife having EA/PA...

I think I would be careful of making her feel like you "forced" her out of the house. She may want her space, but she also wants the kids. Telling her she already was only throws everything back in her face. Do you not have enough rooms in the house or is it really just too hard? It sounded like you had an "okay" conversation, so I'm just trying to understand.

I'm sure it's hard living in the same house during this, but if it's your suggestion that somebody move out, then it needs to be YOU that moves out. If she suggests somebody move out, then it needs to be HER that moves out. It's not fair for you to ask that of her and then add-in that she'd already left the kids. You wouldn't want it done to you.

I understand you say there is pressure. But I hear you saying you already forgave her, but your actions aren't quite congruent with that.

Maybe I'm off my rocker. I'm sure someone will tell me I am. I'm not saying she gets a free pass. But I am saying you still have to respect her and she still has to respect you in the house.

The kids need you BOTH. And they will never forgive the one who pushed the other one away.

mel

I'll keep it simple: "space" rarely, RARELY, works.

A "I need space" request from a wayward soul is almost always a request for "I need space in which to conduct my new affair, unencumbered."

Puppy

Have to agree with pup on the space thing, been there done it last year, and space was staying with and boinking his babys momma and lying to me assuring me he was at a friends house thinking.

how bout space in the house? guest bedroom, couch? just something to think about.

This. ^

Ok then...

Sooooo....I do believe the affair has ended. She seems to be feeling pretty stupid about it and was forthcoming about it... I'm not "pushing" her out. She leaves 2-3 nights a week as it is, so i told her if she needs to be away she should go to her friend's house. My coach told me if she keeps bringing it up (and she has repeatedly) to test her. I didn't do it lightly but she needs to feel something over this. She keeps saying "I won't leave my kids" yet she does it frequently. Again tonight.

She wants to lay most everything on my head. I validated what she was feeling but told her she needs own her own issues and actions.

She is a very good woman, just pretty messed up right now. With a lot of my contribution.

She is confused and she feels like there is no chance to miss me.

So the feeling here is to keep her in the house and start Dbing again? We are going through a bankruptcy and giving the house back so we have to rent which is presenting a problem. Money wise we can't afford two houses. So I'm thinking she is stuck with me

Well I guess I'll be using another coaching session with Joann sooner than expected.

Thoughts?

Another, BIG benefit of staying in the house together, is to give you a chance to "live the new VancouverDad in front of her, every day."

That's hard to do if you're apart.

Puppy

So confusing,

It felt good to hear her want a chance to miss me. Amazing how in this sitch how you grasp at straws.

Just checked my wireless account. She's texting and called him again. no doubt to tell him I know. this is insane.

If the "affair has ended," then there should be no contact whatsoever. Until she's ready to agree to that, then you really have to assume she's still having an affair. Waywards will often tell their spouse that they NEEDED to contact their OM/OW "to get closure," or "I couldn't not tell him, because that would be MEAN," etc.

It's all bullchit.

Do you think she would agree to full no-contact and transparency?

Puppy

Here's another idea:

If you ARE willing to give her some separation space, and if you really do think there is some merit to it, call her bluff:

Agree to a trial separation (say, 3 months), with HER moving out, but ONLY if she agrees to send him a no-contact letter (the copy to be approved by you, and to be MAILED by you), and FULL TRANSPARENCY (new cellphone #, detailed billing coming to you, keylogger on her computer, exchange daily schedules, etc.). Explain that you understand that she feels she needs some time and space, and that surely she can't do that with her husband underfoot OR the other man in contact. She needs to figure out what's best for HER, unencumbered, and that this would be the healthiest way to do that.

The downside, as I mentioned earlier, is that since you wouldn't be together every day, you would have far less opportunities to show her the "new VancouverDad" and display your new changes, which --hopefully you're making.

I really think it's all academic, though, because unless I'm reading this wrong, there's no way in hell she'll agree to it. I think she's still lying to you (about "ending it" -- I do think she's feeling bad about what she's done), and isn't quite yet ready to end it. But you never know.

Certainly worth calling the question?

Puppy

Puppy,

I agree totally.. This situation can't continue like this These are her choices, her decisions.

There is NO WAY I can continue giving the M a chance to heal with her in contact with OM. Which happened last night again. I blocked his number on our account and changed all settings so she has no access to the account. Maybe not the best idea but until she comes to the table on this, no way I am paying for the destruction of our marriage.

She repeatedly says she needs a separation to figure things out. Maybe she is truthful about that or maybe she just wants to pursue other M. I can't possibly know because I don't think she can know right now.

I do need to call her bluff on the OM and force her to a decision. She is making her life a mess and dragging me and the kids down with her. No doubt her response will center around my initial actions which of course were unfathomable, but i have owned my part. She needs to own hers and if she feels she wants the OM then I can't control that and she will have to live with her decision.

I need to completely detach from her and it's virtually impossible living in the same house and raising four kids. She's not working, not trying very hard to change that, so she compounds the problem of no structure.

She is quickly becoming a cake eater from the standpoint of the convenience of living in a shared home.

Again she is an amazing woman, but the fog is so set in she can't make a real decision at all right now. So I am going to have to set some firm boundaries.

Transparency...Like you said I doubt she will buy off on that because it will seem like control which is like death to her now. But she has to make a choice. I refuse to be a doormat while she "explores" this thing with OM.

I need to come up with a plan I think and call her bluff.

*Interesting side note: Before she left last night I told her I wanted to tell the kids what the situation is. It can't be "covered up" anymore. She immediately became hesitant and wanted to "think it over". I said fine think about it over night and we will talk about it tomorrow.

This is my initial ideas at this point. I plan on going really dark after a decision is made. I mean really dark. I know I am frustrated and every other emotion imaginable but this has to go one way or the other. I need to recover from this limbo state that can't progress with OM.

I love her with all my heart, but as a Christian man, I cannot just accept this state. It is wrong. As wrong as my EA.

She has to figure it out and can't the way things are...

By the way having her see the new me doesn't seem to do squat when she can't even figure out who she is...

Thoughts? Sorry for the long post...